Bittersweet Moments in Going Home

Hometown visits are always bittersweet in my eyes. I recently went on a trip with my daughter to my hometown of Vallejo, California and the surrounding Bay Area. This will tell the tale and take you on a journey, I hope you enjoy some of my memories and moments.
I have lived in many places in my life, but I consider Vallejo my home. California born, transplanted to NJ, then Vallejo, then PA, then back to Vallejo, then to Merced, then to Vallejo, back to PA and resting in Vallejo until I was old enough to make another move and adult mistakes. Vallejo, out of everywhere that I have lived remains "home" and I have a love for it like no other place that I have been. It was where I forged friendships that still exist today. It was where I found my rebellious side, where I started drinking and smoking and discovering marijuana. Where I lost my innocence, where violence first scarred me and where I became an adult (way too quickly). I remember walking to school down the railroad tracks, I would not ever recommend that nowadays but back then, it was slightly less sketchy. I remember eating dry ramen noodles with mustard for breakfast while walking to school, being teased by all my classmates running in their packs of cool people. I remember not eating in the lunchroom, walking to The Plunge which was the middle school and high school swimming pool. Walking up to Circle park at the tippy top of Vallejo on Coughlin Hill. I remember playing in marsh fields by the Marina and walking close to the waters edge. I remember the zoo and peacocks at Blue Rock Springs. Tripping with my friends on Gravity Hill on Lake Herman Road and freking ourselves out that this was where the Zodiac Killer had killed. I remember the record shop on Georgia Street and the Empress Theatre. Running along the waterfront and climbing on the ladders and almost touching the dark water. I remember walking Springs Road, drinking with my friends and ducking out to avoid getting busted by cops. I have the best memories and the worst memories in Vallejo but most of them are what have molded me. I left in 1991 eager to grow and stand on my feet further and really grow up.
I had a whirlwind trip planned for 3 full days. I was full of anxiety and excitement the day we landed at the Oakland International Airport. We hit the ground running that first day. We grabbed our rental car and sped off to the Bay. I told Briahna okay, we are going to do this, this,this and this. She was mainly overwhelmed with seeing the ocean on the horizon and with her Mom yelling at her to take this picture and that picture,what a great time. I am sure that her memories of this trip will last within her for a very long time. Our first stop was The Wharf and Pier 39 and Fishermans Grotto. I told her all of the history of San Francisco and of all of my adventures there. When I took her to see the battleship and submarine, I got a pleasant surprise. The Musee Mecanique was there! I had told her all about it but I thought that it was gone. We put quarters in damn near every machine. They are antiques, most of them and there is nothing like seeing the cherry wood, the maple and the beveled glass. She got to see the Sea Lions and eat crab chowder. We hiked the Sutro Bath ruins. And we spent hours at Lands End on Ocean Beach. Bri built a sand castle and we both collected sand and shells and driftwood. After that we drove through Golden Gate Park and drove over the Golden Gate Bridge. We got turned around quite a bit in the streets of San Francisco thanks to Google maps.
Later after we were over exploring, we headed to where we were to be staying the night. We stayed with family and got to enjoy precious moments with the whole family. It was a perfect visit and such a warm and loving house. The next day we hit my hometown and Benicia. Benicia is a beautiful town surrounded by the water. Protected waterways for wildlife and sunken barges. It is chock full of fond memories for me. We walked the pier and the waterfront and we went to see the house that she used to live in when she was 2.
What wonderful times. Off to Vallejo we go. Seeing the city as we rolled through brought back a flood of emotions and memories. Briahna enjoyed all the stories and seeing the crazy streets. I took her to see the old Victorian haunted house that I lived in and most of my old houses. I showed her my schools. We topped it off with meeting my dearest friend and his wife who I have been long time friends with as well. We ate seafood, laughed, cried and reminisced. We spent hours chatting when finally it was time to go on more adventures. We spent more time exploring Vallejo and then headed back to the family.
Our third full day was to be spent with my dear friend Tonni and her family. It has been years since I saw her. And I could not wait to catch up, my daughter and her daughter were going to meet for the first time. It was a great day. I got to see the whole family and we laughed and reminisced. Amazing day for sure. We ended up staying the night and I was sad that our trip was coming to an end. I embraced my friend and told her next time it cannot be years and she should come visit me. As we left her neighborhood I was sad but so happy and grateful. I am grateful that most of my friendships have lasted as long as they have. I am grateful that Tonni and I can pick up right where we left off. I am grateful that Mike and Jennifer are still such a huge part of my life. These are friends that I rarely talk to but the connection is strong.
I did not get to see everyone that I wanted to but there simply was not enough time to see everyone or everything. That is where Briahna and I made the decision to go back next year and stay longer this time. Goals!
As I was driving to the airport, the fog began to roll in through the hills. Briahna got to experience so much on this trip. Really, it felt like a dream. And I was so full of joy. We got to Oakland Airport and we were able to catch the sunrise. I bid goodbye to my valley, my bay and my home. It seems as if this was a trip that changed my mind about things and opened my heart more. I will cherish this trip and the experience with my daughter.r
I simply state here that sometimes, it is good to go home. It is good to remember where you began, where your hopes and dreams were formed. It is a reminder to yourself of how far that you have come.
Thank you all for going on this trip with me and reading into my whirlwind of words. With this I leave you with Peace, Love and Happiness always!

Time To Rise Up Above Xenophobia and The Status Quo

I have written before on how sickened I am by current events. By no means is this a "new" thing or a new instance. It has been going since the original "illegal immigrants" landed and ransacked the lands and its people. My power lies within myself and by using my words. I hope that someday we all begin to use our power.
This goes out to the original illegal immigrants who invaded this land and perpetrated horrific crimes against humanity. They raped the people, they raped the land and in turn they destroyed the balance of nature.They got away with it; there were no repercussions for their actions. Currently, the “powers that be” are dehumanizing people at an alarming rate. Well, let us be honest, they always have. It just gets thrust more in the public eye now that people are rising up and spreading the news.
It is happening everywhere. It is like a cancer spreading out of control and racking the integrity of our people. We have people of color being murdered for minor infractions, or worse yet doing nothing but being a darker color. We have racism being thrust in our faces every time we turn on the news or look at our social media pages. Xenophobes have been given free reign to spread their hatred on a much larger scale. Immigrants are being banned from entering this country, when immigration is what has built this nation. Travel bans, trade bans, federal assistance bans, housing bans, the list goes on and on. Families are being ripped apart by separating children from their parents and then being further humiliated by being placed in holding cages in a detention facility. A detention facility that is what they are calling it. Why not call them by their proper name, which are internment camps.
We have seen these before correct? The Japanese citizens were held in these camps during the World War 2 by order of our president at the time Mr. Franklin D Roosevelt. Everyone was on a racial charged kick against the Japanese due to public outcry after Pearl Harbor. The majority of the ones being held were U.S. Citizens. Of course, we cannot forget the camps in Europe that led to the torture and deaths of so many.
Hatred is what fuels this nation. The elite are in a perpetual xenophobic rant. The President of the United States and his underlings are pushing forward to purify the nation one person at a time. Nothing is done to the people who inflict pain, suffering, degradation and death on the innocents. They are secretly rewarded and publicly scolded like a child who scared his sister with a firecracker. The police are committing crimes against humanity at an alarming rate and getting no punishment for their actions. The justice system is in shambles and twisted. Real criminals get out of jail with no further marks on their records. Sexual predators get away with the damage that they have inflicted on their victims and move on to another day to be able to do it again. People are jailed at an alarming rate for something as minor as a broken tail light or having a joint on their person. Jail sentences are handed out at alarming rate to people of color while white people get away with more severe crimes and get to walk out with no harm done. There is such a thing as white privilege and to those who do not believe that it is real, they need to educate themselves to what it really means. In a situation where a white mass shooter gets to be apprehended by the police quietly, yet a young African American man gets murdered in his back yard for doing nothing. And if you put one White person and one Hispanic person in a similar situation and watch what transpires. Will a white person get stopped only for their skin color; will they get asked to show their papers? Hispanics will. And God forbid if they do not have papers. They get escorted violently to a holding center for deportation. Do you think that they get due process? Do you believe that they have rights? Do you believe that they get to call home and tell their families what happened? What if they are here “legally”? I use that term loosely as this was Mexico. This was Native land. What gives us the right to keep anyone out? No one person is “illegal”. This is a derogatory term that is used to describe a HUMAN BEING!
The time has come for us to band together and fight back! All races, colors, creeds, nationalities, genders need to come together, now more than ever. We need to stop living quietly as a non- racist and begin to live vocally as a non- racist. There are many of us out here that are against this behavior. Let us all begin to speak out. Let us all begin to write about it. Let us vote and get more compassionate human beings in office. Let us stand up for the rights of ourselves and others. We have the power to speak up, we have the power to write, and we have the power to express ourselves. We can do something even if it is writing to the politicians. We have the power in numbers. Let us stand together in unity. Let us join as a community. Let us most importantly, raise our children as compassionate human beings. The key is to raise our children. Do not let others do the job. Do not put them in front of a television, or an I pad and let them learn trash. Teach them how to love, teach them how to take care of themselves, teach them that it is okay to speak up, teach them to face fears, teach them respect and manners.
The time is now and we need to rise up and use our voices to stop this behavior. It does not change in a day, some people will never change. This is why we can only change ourselves. We start with ONE!
With this, I leave you all with love.

Kindness, A Disappearing Act

This one is about kindness. A simple, selfless act that can spread from one person to another.

I ask you, is the act of being kind disappearing? Or is it being shrouded by all of the hatred running rampant in our world? Gone are the days of peace, love and happiness. In all actuality though, were the past times really better? We talked a big game, but hatred was running rampant then as well. There were many who believed in peace and love and wanted to spread happiness but they were met with much resistance. People did not want to change their ways or make a move to help change the world. Things that did change were respect, hard work, dignity, family values, discipline, kindness and empathy. Hate crimes were a normal thing back then and times are no better now. Corruption, greed, racism and entitlement were always around. They were hidden better since there were no computers or cell phones back then. Technology has made us the most narcissistic society. But problems have always been here and I do believe logically that they will always be here.

So, all that can be changed is ourselves. Really, we are our own keepers. If we make an effort to change our behaviors and change our perspective, it will make a huge difference in our lives. It changes you, it has a positive effect which in turn can affect those around you. The changes that have happened over the years has resulted in a lack of respect for others, a loss of dignity in ourselves, a loss of pride of a people, a destruction of community and a lack of human kindness. I see so many people throughout the day that believe that they are entitled to something simply for being present in this world. They think that they alone are more deserving of something than others. They have never been humbled or forget when they were and believe that they are more in need than others. It really is a sad state.

Imagine being in line at a store. Standing in line behind an elderly lady. The cashier is engaging in conversation with the woman. The person behind you, begins tapping their foot. They begin mumbling under their breathe. They begin cursing under their breathe. Tapping more loudly, with keys in hand. They begin talking out loud, saying "some people have things to do, some people do not have time for you to be nice to everyone". The cashier finishes up with the lady and it is now your turn. The cashier kindly thanks you for your patience and smiles. You smile back. This situation happens everywhere now, more and more you see people become angry at others for taking up moments of their precious time. They do not stop to think that maybe, that cashier made that lady so happy. Maybe, that elderly woman was alone. Maybe she just had a tragedy. Maybe she just needed a smile and kind words. It really is disgusting. Everyone is in a hurry to get nowhere, fast. As if being an asshole and complaining will make anything happen more quickly. Now, I am not the most patient person in the world. I will admit that and I work on it everyday. But, I do appreciate the kindness of others and if that takes two extra minutes, then so be it. It brings a smile to my face which in turn makes me smile more. And sometimes even a simple smile means the world to someone.

Practice kindness everyday, you will begin to see a difference in your perspective. You will begin to feel better and your heart will become fuller. It does not take much, only a small gesture most times.
Offer a water and a piece of fruit to the homeless person on the side of the store instead of walking by them, avoiding them or just shaking your head.
Hold the door open for someone.
If someone drops something, help them pick it up.
Smile and make eye contact with everyone that you encounter on the street, the store or at work.
Make an effort to do something kind for someone at least once per day.

This will make you feel better. It will give you a moment to reflect on how good you have it. It will put things into a positive light for you. That simple act of kindness will spread.
If we all took one moment out of our daily lives to help someone else, smile at someone or ask someone how their day is going, it could make a difference. Remember, change begins with one.
The state of our world is deplorable. Everyone rushes by, always out for number one. Well, I get that. In a sense, we have to look out for ourselves because no one else will. However, we should also practice kindness everyday. Karma watches and when we live the selfish, entitled life, it will come back to us.
I simply leave you with this, be kind. Practice kindness. Preach kindness. Teach kindness. By God...spread kindness.
Peace, Love and Happiness always

Learning to Let Go and Move On

Having had to " let go" of many a people, situations and feelings this is a difficult task sometimes and it takes a lot of self reflection most times to do so.
The act of letting go is not always a challenge. Sometimes, we are very sure that a situation or person is toxic enough to walk away from. Other times, especially when it is someone that we care about, it is hard to do. We spin the scenarios around in our head. We second guess the situations that led us up to that moment, hoping that we missed something. Clinging to the belief in people. That there is good somewhere, there has to be right?
That is called being human. We form emotional bonds with people on so many levels. The emotional bonds embed themselves into our psyche, leaving us vulnerable. And again, not all of this is a bad thing. I am simply going to focus on the ones that we need to let go of.
I have had much experience in letting go. Unfortunately for me, I usually wait until the "last straw" has been broken, time and time again. I never did learn the lessons that were being shown to me.
One of my most difficult moments of letting go was with my father. I have spoken about him on here before. I did not learn right away how toxic that he was until high school when I asked him to help me as my mother went into rehab (and would be there quite awhile) and he said that he had nowhere for me to stay, while he had a big house and plenty of room. Time and time again these same types of scenarios would play out and I would always let him back into my life, only to be kicked right back down to the ground. We would become close and then I would do something that he did not see was up to his standards and he would walk away. It was always him walking away while leaving me confused, emotional, with a face full of tears. I never could please him. Little did I know that it was he who could not please himself. I drew the line with him finally after multiple attempts on his part to be a part of my children's lives. He would pop in, be "Pappy Frank" and full of love on paper (never in person) and then just disappear. After my daughter hit 13 he called me and told me about how he could never forgive me for some imagined wrong that I had done and that he would call me someday when he saw fit but to never call him. Instead of leaving me with tears, he left me cold. I stood at that moment looking at the face of the Superstition Mountains, looked down at the phone and decided that he would never do that to me again. That was indeed the last time that I spoke to my father until years later when he was near death. I wondered where he was, how we was doing but never to the point of tracking him down or making that call. Was it difficult? Hell yes. Was it worth it? Hell yes. I learned with just that one lesson that I could remove toxicity from my life. Of course, I was at the time living within the biggest toxic relationship of my life.
And here we go onto another huge lesson in letting go and moving on. As I have most recently written on here about my previous relationships, I included the last one which spanned 21 years. This goes into what I said in the beginning as hoping that there is good in someone so that you do not have to make the painful choice to walk away. But in this case, it was detrimental that I walk away. More like, run away. I will not go into detail as I did just speak on this subject about him. And I really did let it go and walk away. It took a long time and having left him twice it did finally happen. What I learned from the experience with him was that I do not need to be with someone for the sake of being with someone. I do not need to be with someone if it hurts. I deserve better than pain with a sprinkle of happiness. And I learned that I never have to look for good within someone when they hide it. Life is not a scavenger hunt for love and affection. If you cannot find it, you better love yourself because you are the only one who is true to YOU. After finally walking away, letting go and shedding the stigma of pain I learned something. I am still here, I still know how to love and I am worthy of living. And you can still live a full life when you get rid of the negative hold that some people hold over you.
Next steps in walking away involve other family members and a few friends thrown in for good measure. There have been moments in my life where I made friends with some of the best people I thought I knew. Problem was, they were fake and full of underlying negativity. I had one in particular that was so involved in my life he was always around me. I trusted him with everything including my children, and that was the worst mistake that I have ever made. And believe me, I have made my fair share of mistakes. Turns out that during a time when I needed him the most, he was doing the horrible things to my children. Well, my daughter was the one who suffered his wrath. He was a very bitter and angry person and therefore took all of his frustrations out on my daughter. My son was not treated horribly but my daughter was traumatized. This so called friend was taking things out on her for his shortcomings in life and the fact that his mother was just as horrible as he was. I ended up breaking ties with him for other reasons. I unfortunately did not find out about that incident until after I moved halfway across the country. But when I did, I had to be there for my daughter and work through the emotions and feelings with her. I never did confront him or his mother. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to turn my back, work through the emotions and let go. In doing so I was able to move on.
In regards to family members, I have let go and moved on from them as well. I have decided that not mentioning situations is also a form of letting go, is it not?
I decided to share this part of my journey so that others may see a similarity in their lives and realize that if they walked away then they are ahead of the game and doing just fine. It takes a bigger person to walk away, cut ties and forgive people. But it really is for the best and forgiveness is key to a clear soul and pure heart.
Thank you for taking a walk on this path with me. As always, love often and live without fear. We are all human and will make mistakes but we survive always.
Peace, Love and Happiness Always!

Life Lessons, Personal Growth and the art of Being Human

How do you define humble?
The true definition of humble is "having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance". The act of humbling oneself is to lower yourself. This does not mean subservient, this does not mean making yourself less of a human. It is indeed to bring yourself down to a lower form. It is to look at yourself on a whole and realize that you are not above anyone. It is to look at yourself and be respectful and quiet at the right time.
I am at a stage in my life where I feel as if I have become who I am supposed to be. Not that I have fully grown mind you, only that I am at the exact place that I need to be at the moment. I have developed into a more complete version of myself.
Having struggled along the way. Having been pushed back down, time and time again. Having damaged myself through self hatred, guilt and negative thinking I have come to a place where the positive creeps in way more than the negative does and I get stronger and stronger. I embrace my changes and I embrace who I am evolving into. I no longer hide in the shadows and cower behind make believe security. I am learning to believe in myself more and more everyday. Dare I say that I am beginning to trust myself and my instincts to the point of not retreating back to the same old, same old behaviors that were so damaging.
Having spent years being apologetic for things that I really had not done wrong. Apologizing for breathing, for speaking, for being in a room, for existing. I spent so long in that place and I still mentally smack my hand when I find myself doing it still. Thankfully I have people in my life who will kindly remind me that I am worthy.
I never thought of myself as disrespectful or hurtful or judgmental. However, in recent months I have begun to see myself with a different perspective. I have stripped away my layers and gotten into the core. I am beginning to focus more on the inner working of "Ti". I have always had a tendency to spew forth anything that comes to mind without thinking first. I have had a tendency to say things without thinking of whom it may affect. I have also had a tendency to judge without having a right to judge. Not one person on this planet has the right to judge another human being, this is a reminder.
I love to laugh and in doing so I love to joke around. My joking is not always taken in the right context so I am learning to watch what I say.
I am sarcastic by nature. Sometimes, this is not a good trait to have and sometimes people will get offended. I mean no harm, let that be known.
I have judged people mentally and then after having learned about the person, I have had to make amends to the universe and change perspective.
The blessing to all of this seemingly negative behavior is that I am learning to accept my human behaviors and to change them. I am learning to be more conscious of who I am around and how they feel. I am also learning to bypass sarcasm as much as possible. I learned the hard way that there is indeed truth in sarcasm and it can be painful when it is thrown right back at you.
We are human, we are nature. And we will and do make mistakes. The key is that after making those mistakes, we accept them as a past transgression and learn from each one. The key to growth is change. We will always evolve if we seek enlightenment. If we do not, well, then you know that we will stay stagnant. Trapped in a negative place in the mind. Unable to go forward or see light.
I have met more people in the last few years that have changed my thought process on many things. These same people have shown me a new perspective. A new way to look at things and a new way to approach situations. I am also, after many hard lessons, beginning to make better choices in the company that I keep.
I am utilizing this platform today to mainly just write out life lessons. I like to share these lessons that happen in my life from time to time just to see if others can relate.
I continue to grow, change, develop, accept and learn on a daily basis. I accept lessons learned as a badge of honor almost in the sense that life lessons make us more human and more humble. Realizing that we are just a speck in this great universe and knowing that life is beautiful for all that it offers to us. The good, the bad, the sad and everything else in between. Until next time. Thanks for reading and peace, love and happiness always!

How Nature and Photography Inspire My Words

I have always been a natural girl. I have always been happiest when fully surrounded by nature.
I grew up mainly in Northern California, therefore I spent most of my time by the ocean. We lived in a navy town by the bay and surrounded by water. I have fond memories of rolling down hills covered in ice plants on cardboard and looking out across glistening waters with Mare Island Naval Shipyard looming eerily in the background. I would always look at the Submarines and think how creepy they looked just docked right across the water from us. We spent a lot of time on the waterfront. We would crab, fish and dare each other to jump in the black, bottomless water. We would go to the docks by the Yacht club where people had their fancy boats all tied up. We would run the length of the docks until we met the big, locked gates warning us to not trespass. We would climb under the docks when the tide was out and see what we could find embedded in the "muck". Frequently we would get stuck in the muck which, if you pulled hard would suck you in more. It was frightening as it was similar to quicksand. I lost shoes and socks in that stinky stuff. But, damn if I was not living the life. We were always wandering around, a group of us kids. Daring each other to do things, I would usually chicken out of the scary stuff. I was adventurous but had a cushion of security that I did not like to leave behind. Not to mention the fact that I was terrified of my father whom I knew would find out and I would be in BIG trouble. So, when the other kids would push boundaries I usually stayed behind and lost myself in song and my surroundings. I was always a seeker (as I like to call myself). I looked on the ground, I looked in the sky, I looked in nooks and crannies. I would find rusted nails, old bottles (some of which were antiques), bottle caps (which I collected) and many other treasures. The other kids would tease me and tell me that I was chicken but I was way too comfortable out of danger and therefore would not bring attention to myself. As I stated in a previous post, this was my normal thing to do. Slip by or out of a room or area completely unnoticed.
I also grew up for a bit in Pennsylvania. I lived in Lancaster County surrounded by lush green pastures, farmland, fresh food and the smell of flowers. I spent most of my time outdoors. Playing on swings, playing in old tractor tires, playing in the creek, helping pick vegetables from my Great Grammas' garden or tagging along with my Dad. I would play in his wood shop surrounded by wood shavings. I still remember the smell and how much it comforted me. I had many chances to be surrounded by nature. At my Nans' house I played in the spring house and caught Salamanders and played with spiders. We would pick berries down by the stream that ran through the property. We would play in the snow down the long driveway in winter. Snow always made me happy, it was always so beautiful to me. I loved just touching it.
Alright, long enough trip down memory lane. Thanks for taking a look back with me. So, now to present day. I am obsessed with taking pictures. I love to take organic photos and capture every little detail. Maybe that is due to my obsessive compulsive disorder that I have had since childhood. I love to capture the ant climbing out of the anthill, the rusted nail in the desert, the puddles reflecting oil slicked rainbows. I especially love to take pictures of flowers and sunsets. I can honestly say that of all the places that I have lived, Arizona sunsets still take my breath away with each and every one.
Recently I have been inspired to write to darn near every nature photograph that I take. It is an amazing feeling as I am looking at the picture of a rose and sit mesmerized by every detail, the color, the shape, I find myself starting to form words in my mind. I quickly reach for pen and paper and start free writing. As I look over what I wrote, I edit the words to form something as organic as the image in the photograph. I also tend to paint canvas the colors that I feel with my prose and poems. This has led me to a very fulfilling feeling and I feel that it has taken my writing to another level and is helping me to expand in so many ways.
Who knows where this path will lead but I am so very glad to have finally listened to the calling and started to take the journey. I thank all of you for taking the journey with me and giving me feedback, both positive and negative. I take it all in and grow from everything that comes my way.
Thank you all again, I truly appreciate all who support me, encourage me and love me!
Peace, Love and Happiness always!