Who on Earth has the right to tell people what is an acceptable time frame to come forward with accusations? Who puts a time limit amount on how long you are allowed to wait before speaking up? I mean really, there should be no limit on time.
Here I am again, listening to news and listening to people make a mockery of someone who waited 30 years to speak about alleged behavior. I listen to our leader who says it is unfortunate and sad for the accused family and tries to downplay and almost make a mockery of the situation. I listen to the accuser talk about trauma imposed upon her and how it affected her life. For whatever reasons that she decided to wait and speak up, she did indeed wait.
In our world, trauma happens to multiple people throughout the course of their lifetime. And people handle trauma in a multitude of ways. We all heal differently, as we are all different. We all speak up at our own pace, as sometimes we cannot handle speaking up. Sadly, some of us never speak up. Who are we to judge someone for taking their time to speak up? Judge not lest we be judged. I mean really people. I look at both sides. I will say that after 30 to 40 years, it seems ridiculous come forward with allegations towards someone. However, let me say that in no way should they be ridiculed for doing so. They should not be called liars. We should hear the situation out and look at all evidence and then decisions can be made. It seems unfortunate that so much time has passed that evidence (if there is any) may not exist or has been tampered with. It seems unfortunate that the person coming forward waited so long to say something but may I remind you of situations where someone came forward immediately get the same responses. Let me give you an example. Police are called to a bar where a woman said that she was raped. She comes forward immediately. She goes through the fear of having to tell the officers what happened, she consents to a rape kit examination (this is trauma on top of trauma for those of you who do not know) and files the necessary reports. After filing reports and giving descriptions and all of the necessary steps were taken, she goes home to heal. She cleans herself multiple times, she withdraws into herself and hopes for it to all go away. A short time later, threatening calls come in. Emails with rude pictures are sent. Her social media pages are hit with a barrage of memes depicting her a a liar, a baby, a slut. See, she knew her attacker. They were hanging out at the local bar unwinding from a long work week. After formal charges are brought against the accused, the judging begins. People blame her for being at a bar, for drinking, for wearing a skirt, for flirting, for being too friendly, for making him want her. After time passes, he gets a slap on the wrist and walks away never to be held accountable. Get the picture here? Even though she did everything right by speaking up right away, she still gets victimized. And you know what is worse? She has to live with it her whole life. Even though she showered and threw everything away and quit her job where they worked together, she still has to live with it. Now, how she heals from it depends on her and whether or not she chooses to be a victim or rise above it. She is an adult and knows the basic ways of healing.
This scenario is that of a young boy who is a member of his church and helps out after Sunday school. The deacon begins making inappropriate remarks to the boy. He begins to put the boy in uncomfortable situations. I will not delve further in this one as you already can imagine the rest. The young boy tells no one. He is ashamed. He is scared. He is afraid that God will punish him. He is thinking that he did something wrong. He never tells anyone. He grows up and becomes an active member of society. One day, his child comes to him and tells him about something that happened to him at school with a teacher. All of the memories of his own childhood come flooding back. Suddenly he is faced with helping his child but also having to help himself, trauma revisited. See, it never goes away. He decides in helping his child that he will come forward and tell what happened to him as a young boy. Well, the scenario does not work out for him. He is belittled and teased and threatened. His child who was helped by his father coming forward is now being teased even worse at school. The trauma does not end.
And yes, let us visit the scenario where a young lady accuses her friend of assaulting her all because the friend did not see her as a romantic partner as she had hoped. She accuses him and everything gets blown up by the school , the cops, the parents, the high school football team. He gets beat up on multiple occasions. He gets fingerprinted and put on sex offender registry (this stays on your record for life). A few months after she perpetrated the lie, she gets caught in a lie with a group of girlfriends and has to admit that she made it all up. His life at that point comes to a screeching halt. He was put through hell, treated like a criminal, victimized and persecuted for nothing. Tragically he ends up taking his own life. All because a girl wanted him romantically and he thought their friendship was special and did not think of her in that way. And you know what, she gets no punishment for making false accusations. She gets a slap on the wrist. So, see how it plays out? If you speak up, you are still being victimized. If you stay quiet you are still being victimized.
The question is, how can we make it so you are not victimized for speaking up? How can a lifelong behavior be changed? Well, I believe it starts with one. If you are a victim, speak up. Tell someone. Tell anyone. If you are on the listening end, be empathetic. Hear them, help them find the path to report it. Help them with the tools to heal.
I want to share something with you on a personal level. At the age of 15, I was raped. I was with my boyfriend for quite some time. I trusted him. I did not want to lose my virginity. I was not ready for all that. I just wanted to have a good time and be a teenager. One night fateful night, no did not work. He forced himself on me. He tore my clothing. He left me naked and bleeding and broken and disgusted in the dark. At that moment I made a choice. I chose to not tell. I even lied to my best friend and told her that I had "done it". I was ashamed and I was disgusted and I was scared. And to top it off, the next day he told the whole school I was a whore. So then, I was ridiculed. See, so I kept my mouth shut. I knew that no one would believe me. I kept it quiet and never came forward. Who knows who else was hurt by him? I should have come forward. I should have said something. If I had walked into my moms' room that night and told her, I know now that she would have helped me. But, at that time in my life I did not think she would be there for me.
My point on this is that all of the accusations that have come around within government, Hollywood and the media shows us that at some point we need to break the cycle. We need to begin to heal. We need to learn to listen when other talk about things that happened to them. We need to be empathetic to what someone has or is going through. And if they are lying, believe me it will come out in the end.
I just wanted to touch on this subject as it is a very personal matter. No one can down play that for those of you who have been touched by this. It seems the majority are out to call us liars but there are people who care. There are people who are outraged by the injustice that the accused holds a position of legal power. There are people who are outraged that the accused holds a position as a leader. There are people who are outraged that the accused hold positions of trust. Speak up, Speak out, Support the victims and stand united against the powers that be that are allowing this to continue happening.
With this I leave you in thought. I hope that if you have been victimized you know that it is okay to talk, no matter what. No matter what, if they do not get persecuted, they will be looked at differently. Believe me. Please stay strong and stand up to fear.
Thanks for reading and as always, I leave you with Peace and Love always <3
