Showing posts with label speak up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label speak up. Show all posts
Thursday, January 7, 2021
"An Act of Treason" Episode 6 on "The United States of America"
Yesterday I witnessed something that I never thought that I would see in my lifetime. An act of treason.
Do not get me wrong, I am all for protesting the inner workings of our government and its lopsided policies. I am all for standing up for what you believe in. I am all for sticking it to the government that so easily sticks it to us.
Yesterday on the daily melodramatic episode of "The United States of America" we saw in full color what white privilege is, not that we have never seen it before mind you....but this episode took the cake.
We had thousands storm the Capital Building. They trampled through barricades that were not fully protected by Capital police. They stormed through the Capital building, which is usually dripping in security, that some say is impenetrable. They stormed through offices of our lawmakers. They destroyed property, they broke windows, they threw pepper spray, they proudly raised their flags that signify their hatred, they took selfies with the law enforcement that not too long ago were guarding the building (and very curiously were stated to not have enough of), they rallied together as one agitated mass over an election that they think was stolen from their president (the very president who is an actor). An election that signified the need for change and people rose to the occasion through adversity and a pandemic to make a path for those changes.
How can you not look at this in any other way than privilege? Look at all of the violence commited by law enforcement during PEACEFUL protests over the course of history, most noteably within the last 12 months. If this were a crowd of Black Lives Matter protesters, Water Defenders or Environment protectors there would have been murders, beatings, torture in vehicles with tinted windows, arrests...and I guarantee that no one would have taken a selfie in the speaker’s office. Do you believe that there would have only been four deaths? Do you believe that they would have been shorthanded with law enforcement? Do you think that the law enforcement would have stopped to take a selfie with a protester? Do you believe that there would have been nothing short of a massacre?
The state of our Country has been under hostile leadership for 4 years, leadership that has been shaped and formed to honor those that support that leadership. If you do not adhere to those leaders policies, you are suddenly out of work and deemed crazy or anti American. The state of this Country has been a mess for as long as I can remember so again, this is not a new issue.
All of the proof is with the families that are mourning those that lives were taken from them for standing up for themselves and for others. All of the proof is evident by people of color who have lost their lives minding their own business. All of the proof is evident in how very lopsided the justice system is. All of the proof is evident in the laws that were written that protect the people who stormed the Capital. All of the proof is evident by the (pre-approved) photographs gracing the pages of those popular magazines and newspapers and media outlets for all of us to see. All of the proof is in our faces.
This is nothing new. This country was formed in violence, prejudice, hatred and seperation of class. This country was formed in blood of the lives that they took to gain control of others that they saw as different. So yes, in a way we are not shocked.
We now should take steps to change. We now should take steps to accept. We now should take steps to heal.
I have so much more to say however, I am at a loss for words since there are millions of them floating around in this mind of mine.
Thursday, August 8, 2019
Time For Change, Time For Speaking Up, Time For Speaking Out!
I just feel the need at this point to share my feelings. I just need to write this out. I just need to share this with the World.
Realizing that life is precious has me feeling some sort of way. Realizing that we are not promised tomorrow but more than that we are not promised the next minute. I have seen too many of my friends, loved ones, neighbors and community members die due to violence, illness and accidents. Obviously we cannot prevent accidents or some illness but we can prevent violent endings. It lies in OUR hands. The sooner that we realize that we do not have to give in to the AGENDA, the better for humanity.
You NEVER know when life can end. You NEVER know if this is the last time that you can say I love you to someone, or to hold your child or to comfort your friend.
Our current state is in disarray, I mean let's face it though, it has been since the Europeans settled here and changed this land. Coming in and destroying land, oppressing the people, creating greed and terror.
No different than today right?
The current government has created a hailstorm of hatred by not denouncing it. They just go along with it. Our president (the actor) has played both sides of the fence. In one breath he denounces killing and racism and blah blah blah and then in his next public outing he cheers while people chant "send her back"
If our "leaders" act like masochistic, racist, hateful bullies then that in turn gives people the green light to act the same way. You see when a person who is in charge condones certain behaviors, then the people will act in accordance. Think about this for one moment. As a parent, my children viewed me as "in charge" I cuss, alot. So, my children saw that all through their lives. So, in turn they cuss. I ate junk food, they ate junk food. I stayed up late, they stayed up late. No boundaries were set. Do you see my point?
I am so very tired of reading about more killing, more desecration, more destruction and more tearing down of our families. I am tired of seeing my communities ripped apart by separation. I am tired of seeing our people being killed. I am tired of seeing my neighbors taken away from their families while they are working jobs that most Americans would NEVER do! I am tired of our communities being divided due to racism. I am tired of our family units being destroyed. I am just TIRED!!
It is time for all people to stand up and fight against the powers trying to divide us! It is time for all races to unite and stand against the powers trying to make us hate one another. It is time for us to unite as ONE people to defy the powers that want to destroy us! Before this gets worse than it is and believe me it CAN and WILL get worse! Denial brought forth by people in power and media outlets who deny that racism is not a problem, are feeding fuel to an already large fire. This is eerily similar to those that denied that the Holocaust was not real. This is eerily similar to those that downplayed how bad Slavery was. This is eerily similar to those that IGNORED what was happening during the height of the Civil Rights movement.
Genocide is upon us. Look at the 10 stages:
What are the 10 stages of genocide?
Stages 1, 2, 3: Classification, symbolization and discrimination
Stage 4: Dehumanization
Stage 5: Organization
Stage 6: Polarization
Stage 7: Preparation
Stage 8: Persecution
Stage 9: Extermination
Stage 10: Denial
We have people in power telling us through media that Racism is not a problem. That hatred is not being condoned. I call BULLSHIT. It is evident in how many mass shootings are being carried out by white men who just so happen to have hateful rhetoric in notebooks and computers in their homes. Who are able to purchase semi automatic weapons but then they are supposedly mentally ill. Mental illness is not an excuse to commit murder. And mental illness is not something to throw out there as an excuse to get away with committing murder. On the other hand we have people of color being shot for having a phone, for tying their shoes, for having a busted tail light, for raising their voices??!! Where are our voices for the voiceless?! Where are our power in numbers?! We need to speak up, speak out and stand up for our rights...the rights of humanity as a whole! We need to come together now more than ever and FIGHT BACK!
Believe me, I was educated on social issues at a young age. And I still take the time to educate myself because there are so many things that I do not know. I took the time to read about Slavery, The Holocaust, Civil Wars (both foreign and domestic), Civil Rights and Genocides through out the ages. I was a child at the age of 8 reading about Civil Rights while my friends laughed at me. My parents talked to us openly and without a filter on what really happened and how they had friends of all colors and had to hide it from their families. Can you imagine that? Can you put yourself in that position where someone would beat your ass if you brought home someone of color?! I cannot imagine that life and nor do I want to. My children are of mixed race and I never would want to experience hatred directed at them.
I am speaking out, I am speaking up and I am speaking loudly! I want to have a voice for the voiceless. I want to have an opinion for those who are too afraid to say theirs. I want to stand together with my community and stand alongside them in their fight. We NEED to stop what is happening in our country. We NEED to become accountable for OUR actions. We NEED to speak up! Period!!
Realizing that life is precious has me feeling some sort of way. Realizing that we are not promised tomorrow but more than that we are not promised the next minute. I have seen too many of my friends, loved ones, neighbors and community members die due to violence, illness and accidents. Obviously we cannot prevent accidents or some illness but we can prevent violent endings. It lies in OUR hands. The sooner that we realize that we do not have to give in to the AGENDA, the better for humanity.
You NEVER know when life can end. You NEVER know if this is the last time that you can say I love you to someone, or to hold your child or to comfort your friend.
Our current state is in disarray, I mean let's face it though, it has been since the Europeans settled here and changed this land. Coming in and destroying land, oppressing the people, creating greed and terror.
No different than today right?
The current government has created a hailstorm of hatred by not denouncing it. They just go along with it. Our president (the actor) has played both sides of the fence. In one breath he denounces killing and racism and blah blah blah and then in his next public outing he cheers while people chant "send her back"
If our "leaders" act like masochistic, racist, hateful bullies then that in turn gives people the green light to act the same way. You see when a person who is in charge condones certain behaviors, then the people will act in accordance. Think about this for one moment. As a parent, my children viewed me as "in charge" I cuss, alot. So, my children saw that all through their lives. So, in turn they cuss. I ate junk food, they ate junk food. I stayed up late, they stayed up late. No boundaries were set. Do you see my point?
I am so very tired of reading about more killing, more desecration, more destruction and more tearing down of our families. I am tired of seeing my communities ripped apart by separation. I am tired of seeing our people being killed. I am tired of seeing my neighbors taken away from their families while they are working jobs that most Americans would NEVER do! I am tired of our communities being divided due to racism. I am tired of our family units being destroyed. I am just TIRED!!
It is time for all people to stand up and fight against the powers trying to divide us! It is time for all races to unite and stand against the powers trying to make us hate one another. It is time for us to unite as ONE people to defy the powers that want to destroy us! Before this gets worse than it is and believe me it CAN and WILL get worse! Denial brought forth by people in power and media outlets who deny that racism is not a problem, are feeding fuel to an already large fire. This is eerily similar to those that denied that the Holocaust was not real. This is eerily similar to those that downplayed how bad Slavery was. This is eerily similar to those that IGNORED what was happening during the height of the Civil Rights movement.
Genocide is upon us. Look at the 10 stages:
What are the 10 stages of genocide?
Stages 1, 2, 3: Classification, symbolization and discrimination
Stage 4: Dehumanization
Stage 5: Organization
Stage 6: Polarization
Stage 7: Preparation
Stage 8: Persecution
Stage 9: Extermination
Stage 10: Denial
We have people in power telling us through media that Racism is not a problem. That hatred is not being condoned. I call BULLSHIT. It is evident in how many mass shootings are being carried out by white men who just so happen to have hateful rhetoric in notebooks and computers in their homes. Who are able to purchase semi automatic weapons but then they are supposedly mentally ill. Mental illness is not an excuse to commit murder. And mental illness is not something to throw out there as an excuse to get away with committing murder. On the other hand we have people of color being shot for having a phone, for tying their shoes, for having a busted tail light, for raising their voices??!! Where are our voices for the voiceless?! Where are our power in numbers?! We need to speak up, speak out and stand up for our rights...the rights of humanity as a whole! We need to come together now more than ever and FIGHT BACK!
Believe me, I was educated on social issues at a young age. And I still take the time to educate myself because there are so many things that I do not know. I took the time to read about Slavery, The Holocaust, Civil Wars (both foreign and domestic), Civil Rights and Genocides through out the ages. I was a child at the age of 8 reading about Civil Rights while my friends laughed at me. My parents talked to us openly and without a filter on what really happened and how they had friends of all colors and had to hide it from their families. Can you imagine that? Can you put yourself in that position where someone would beat your ass if you brought home someone of color?! I cannot imagine that life and nor do I want to. My children are of mixed race and I never would want to experience hatred directed at them.
I am speaking out, I am speaking up and I am speaking loudly! I want to have a voice for the voiceless. I want to have an opinion for those who are too afraid to say theirs. I want to stand together with my community and stand alongside them in their fight. We NEED to stop what is happening in our country. We NEED to become accountable for OUR actions. We NEED to speak up! Period!!
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
She Said / He Said / We Said/ They Said
Who on Earth has the right to tell people what is an acceptable time frame to come forward with accusations? Who puts a time limit amount on how long you are allowed to wait before speaking up? I mean really, there should be no limit on time.
Here I am again, listening to news and listening to people make a mockery of someone who waited 30 years to speak about alleged behavior. I listen to our leader who says it is unfortunate and sad for the accused family and tries to downplay and almost make a mockery of the situation. I listen to the accuser talk about trauma imposed upon her and how it affected her life. For whatever reasons that she decided to wait and speak up, she did indeed wait.
In our world, trauma happens to multiple people throughout the course of their lifetime. And people handle trauma in a multitude of ways. We all heal differently, as we are all different. We all speak up at our own pace, as sometimes we cannot handle speaking up. Sadly, some of us never speak up. Who are we to judge someone for taking their time to speak up? Judge not lest we be judged. I mean really people. I look at both sides. I will say that after 30 to 40 years, it seems ridiculous come forward with allegations towards someone. However, let me say that in no way should they be ridiculed for doing so. They should not be called liars. We should hear the situation out and look at all evidence and then decisions can be made. It seems unfortunate that so much time has passed that evidence (if there is any) may not exist or has been tampered with. It seems unfortunate that the person coming forward waited so long to say something but may I remind you of situations where someone came forward immediately get the same responses. Let me give you an example. Police are called to a bar where a woman said that she was raped. She comes forward immediately. She goes through the fear of having to tell the officers what happened, she consents to a rape kit examination (this is trauma on top of trauma for those of you who do not know) and files the necessary reports. After filing reports and giving descriptions and all of the necessary steps were taken, she goes home to heal. She cleans herself multiple times, she withdraws into herself and hopes for it to all go away. A short time later, threatening calls come in. Emails with rude pictures are sent. Her social media pages are hit with a barrage of memes depicting her a a liar, a baby, a slut. See, she knew her attacker. They were hanging out at the local bar unwinding from a long work week. After formal charges are brought against the accused, the judging begins. People blame her for being at a bar, for drinking, for wearing a skirt, for flirting, for being too friendly, for making him want her. After time passes, he gets a slap on the wrist and walks away never to be held accountable. Get the picture here? Even though she did everything right by speaking up right away, she still gets victimized. And you know what is worse? She has to live with it her whole life. Even though she showered and threw everything away and quit her job where they worked together, she still has to live with it. Now, how she heals from it depends on her and whether or not she chooses to be a victim or rise above it. She is an adult and knows the basic ways of healing.
This scenario is that of a young boy who is a member of his church and helps out after Sunday school. The deacon begins making inappropriate remarks to the boy. He begins to put the boy in uncomfortable situations. I will not delve further in this one as you already can imagine the rest. The young boy tells no one. He is ashamed. He is scared. He is afraid that God will punish him. He is thinking that he did something wrong. He never tells anyone. He grows up and becomes an active member of society. One day, his child comes to him and tells him about something that happened to him at school with a teacher. All of the memories of his own childhood come flooding back. Suddenly he is faced with helping his child but also having to help himself, trauma revisited. See, it never goes away. He decides in helping his child that he will come forward and tell what happened to him as a young boy. Well, the scenario does not work out for him. He is belittled and teased and threatened. His child who was helped by his father coming forward is now being teased even worse at school. The trauma does not end.
And yes, let us visit the scenario where a young lady accuses her friend of assaulting her all because the friend did not see her as a romantic partner as she had hoped. She accuses him and everything gets blown up by the school , the cops, the parents, the high school football team. He gets beat up on multiple occasions. He gets fingerprinted and put on sex offender registry (this stays on your record for life). A few months after she perpetrated the lie, she gets caught in a lie with a group of girlfriends and has to admit that she made it all up. His life at that point comes to a screeching halt. He was put through hell, treated like a criminal, victimized and persecuted for nothing. Tragically he ends up taking his own life. All because a girl wanted him romantically and he thought their friendship was special and did not think of her in that way. And you know what, she gets no punishment for making false accusations. She gets a slap on the wrist. So, see how it plays out? If you speak up, you are still being victimized. If you stay quiet you are still being victimized.
The question is, how can we make it so you are not victimized for speaking up? How can a lifelong behavior be changed? Well, I believe it starts with one. If you are a victim, speak up. Tell someone. Tell anyone. If you are on the listening end, be empathetic. Hear them, help them find the path to report it. Help them with the tools to heal.
I want to share something with you on a personal level. At the age of 15, I was raped. I was with my boyfriend for quite some time. I trusted him. I did not want to lose my virginity. I was not ready for all that. I just wanted to have a good time and be a teenager. One night fateful night, no did not work. He forced himself on me. He tore my clothing. He left me naked and bleeding and broken and disgusted in the dark. At that moment I made a choice. I chose to not tell. I even lied to my best friend and told her that I had "done it". I was ashamed and I was disgusted and I was scared. And to top it off, the next day he told the whole school I was a whore. So then, I was ridiculed. See, so I kept my mouth shut. I knew that no one would believe me. I kept it quiet and never came forward. Who knows who else was hurt by him? I should have come forward. I should have said something. If I had walked into my moms' room that night and told her, I know now that she would have helped me. But, at that time in my life I did not think she would be there for me.
My point on this is that all of the accusations that have come around within government, Hollywood and the media shows us that at some point we need to break the cycle. We need to begin to heal. We need to learn to listen when other talk about things that happened to them. We need to be empathetic to what someone has or is going through. And if they are lying, believe me it will come out in the end.
I just wanted to touch on this subject as it is a very personal matter. No one can down play that for those of you who have been touched by this. It seems the majority are out to call us liars but there are people who care. There are people who are outraged by the injustice that the accused holds a position of legal power. There are people who are outraged that the accused holds a position as a leader. There are people who are outraged that the accused hold positions of trust. Speak up, Speak out, Support the victims and stand united against the powers that be that are allowing this to continue happening.
With this I leave you in thought. I hope that if you have been victimized you know that it is okay to talk, no matter what. No matter what, if they do not get persecuted, they will be looked at differently. Believe me. Please stay strong and stand up to fear.
Thanks for reading and as always, I leave you with Peace and Love always <3
Here I am again, listening to news and listening to people make a mockery of someone who waited 30 years to speak about alleged behavior. I listen to our leader who says it is unfortunate and sad for the accused family and tries to downplay and almost make a mockery of the situation. I listen to the accuser talk about trauma imposed upon her and how it affected her life. For whatever reasons that she decided to wait and speak up, she did indeed wait.
In our world, trauma happens to multiple people throughout the course of their lifetime. And people handle trauma in a multitude of ways. We all heal differently, as we are all different. We all speak up at our own pace, as sometimes we cannot handle speaking up. Sadly, some of us never speak up. Who are we to judge someone for taking their time to speak up? Judge not lest we be judged. I mean really people. I look at both sides. I will say that after 30 to 40 years, it seems ridiculous come forward with allegations towards someone. However, let me say that in no way should they be ridiculed for doing so. They should not be called liars. We should hear the situation out and look at all evidence and then decisions can be made. It seems unfortunate that so much time has passed that evidence (if there is any) may not exist or has been tampered with. It seems unfortunate that the person coming forward waited so long to say something but may I remind you of situations where someone came forward immediately get the same responses. Let me give you an example. Police are called to a bar where a woman said that she was raped. She comes forward immediately. She goes through the fear of having to tell the officers what happened, she consents to a rape kit examination (this is trauma on top of trauma for those of you who do not know) and files the necessary reports. After filing reports and giving descriptions and all of the necessary steps were taken, she goes home to heal. She cleans herself multiple times, she withdraws into herself and hopes for it to all go away. A short time later, threatening calls come in. Emails with rude pictures are sent. Her social media pages are hit with a barrage of memes depicting her a a liar, a baby, a slut. See, she knew her attacker. They were hanging out at the local bar unwinding from a long work week. After formal charges are brought against the accused, the judging begins. People blame her for being at a bar, for drinking, for wearing a skirt, for flirting, for being too friendly, for making him want her. After time passes, he gets a slap on the wrist and walks away never to be held accountable. Get the picture here? Even though she did everything right by speaking up right away, she still gets victimized. And you know what is worse? She has to live with it her whole life. Even though she showered and threw everything away and quit her job where they worked together, she still has to live with it. Now, how she heals from it depends on her and whether or not she chooses to be a victim or rise above it. She is an adult and knows the basic ways of healing.
This scenario is that of a young boy who is a member of his church and helps out after Sunday school. The deacon begins making inappropriate remarks to the boy. He begins to put the boy in uncomfortable situations. I will not delve further in this one as you already can imagine the rest. The young boy tells no one. He is ashamed. He is scared. He is afraid that God will punish him. He is thinking that he did something wrong. He never tells anyone. He grows up and becomes an active member of society. One day, his child comes to him and tells him about something that happened to him at school with a teacher. All of the memories of his own childhood come flooding back. Suddenly he is faced with helping his child but also having to help himself, trauma revisited. See, it never goes away. He decides in helping his child that he will come forward and tell what happened to him as a young boy. Well, the scenario does not work out for him. He is belittled and teased and threatened. His child who was helped by his father coming forward is now being teased even worse at school. The trauma does not end.
And yes, let us visit the scenario where a young lady accuses her friend of assaulting her all because the friend did not see her as a romantic partner as she had hoped. She accuses him and everything gets blown up by the school , the cops, the parents, the high school football team. He gets beat up on multiple occasions. He gets fingerprinted and put on sex offender registry (this stays on your record for life). A few months after she perpetrated the lie, she gets caught in a lie with a group of girlfriends and has to admit that she made it all up. His life at that point comes to a screeching halt. He was put through hell, treated like a criminal, victimized and persecuted for nothing. Tragically he ends up taking his own life. All because a girl wanted him romantically and he thought their friendship was special and did not think of her in that way. And you know what, she gets no punishment for making false accusations. She gets a slap on the wrist. So, see how it plays out? If you speak up, you are still being victimized. If you stay quiet you are still being victimized.
The question is, how can we make it so you are not victimized for speaking up? How can a lifelong behavior be changed? Well, I believe it starts with one. If you are a victim, speak up. Tell someone. Tell anyone. If you are on the listening end, be empathetic. Hear them, help them find the path to report it. Help them with the tools to heal.
I want to share something with you on a personal level. At the age of 15, I was raped. I was with my boyfriend for quite some time. I trusted him. I did not want to lose my virginity. I was not ready for all that. I just wanted to have a good time and be a teenager. One night fateful night, no did not work. He forced himself on me. He tore my clothing. He left me naked and bleeding and broken and disgusted in the dark. At that moment I made a choice. I chose to not tell. I even lied to my best friend and told her that I had "done it". I was ashamed and I was disgusted and I was scared. And to top it off, the next day he told the whole school I was a whore. So then, I was ridiculed. See, so I kept my mouth shut. I knew that no one would believe me. I kept it quiet and never came forward. Who knows who else was hurt by him? I should have come forward. I should have said something. If I had walked into my moms' room that night and told her, I know now that she would have helped me. But, at that time in my life I did not think she would be there for me.
My point on this is that all of the accusations that have come around within government, Hollywood and the media shows us that at some point we need to break the cycle. We need to begin to heal. We need to learn to listen when other talk about things that happened to them. We need to be empathetic to what someone has or is going through. And if they are lying, believe me it will come out in the end.
I just wanted to touch on this subject as it is a very personal matter. No one can down play that for those of you who have been touched by this. It seems the majority are out to call us liars but there are people who care. There are people who are outraged by the injustice that the accused holds a position of legal power. There are people who are outraged that the accused holds a position as a leader. There are people who are outraged that the accused hold positions of trust. Speak up, Speak out, Support the victims and stand united against the powers that be that are allowing this to continue happening.
With this I leave you in thought. I hope that if you have been victimized you know that it is okay to talk, no matter what. No matter what, if they do not get persecuted, they will be looked at differently. Believe me. Please stay strong and stand up to fear.
Thanks for reading and as always, I leave you with Peace and Love always <3
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Time To Rise Up Above Xenophobia and The Status Quo
I have written before on how sickened I am by current events. By no means is this a "new" thing or a new instance. It has been going since the original "illegal immigrants" landed and ransacked the lands and its people. My power lies within myself and by using my words. I hope that someday we all begin to use our power.
This goes out to the original illegal immigrants who invaded this land and perpetrated horrific crimes against humanity. They raped the people, they raped the land and in turn they destroyed the balance of nature.They got away with it; there were no repercussions for their actions. Currently, the “powers that be” are dehumanizing people at an alarming rate. Well, let us be honest, they always have. It just gets thrust more in the public eye now that people are rising up and spreading the news.
It is happening everywhere. It is like a cancer spreading out of control and racking the integrity of our people. We have people of color being murdered for minor infractions, or worse yet doing nothing but being a darker color. We have racism being thrust in our faces every time we turn on the news or look at our social media pages. Xenophobes have been given free reign to spread their hatred on a much larger scale. Immigrants are being banned from entering this country, when immigration is what has built this nation. Travel bans, trade bans, federal assistance bans, housing bans, the list goes on and on. Families are being ripped apart by separating children from their parents and then being further humiliated by being placed in holding cages in a detention facility. A detention facility that is what they are calling it. Why not call them by their proper name, which are internment camps.
We have seen these before correct? The Japanese citizens were held in these camps during the World War 2 by order of our president at the time Mr. Franklin D Roosevelt. Everyone was on a racial charged kick against the Japanese due to public outcry after Pearl Harbor. The majority of the ones being held were U.S. Citizens. Of course, we cannot forget the camps in Europe that led to the torture and deaths of so many.
Hatred is what fuels this nation. The elite are in a perpetual xenophobic rant. The President of the United States and his underlings are pushing forward to purify the nation one person at a time. Nothing is done to the people who inflict pain, suffering, degradation and death on the innocents. They are secretly rewarded and publicly scolded like a child who scared his sister with a firecracker. The police are committing crimes against humanity at an alarming rate and getting no punishment for their actions. The justice system is in shambles and twisted. Real criminals get out of jail with no further marks on their records. Sexual predators get away with the damage that they have inflicted on their victims and move on to another day to be able to do it again. People are jailed at an alarming rate for something as minor as a broken tail light or having a joint on their person. Jail sentences are handed out at alarming rate to people of color while white people get away with more severe crimes and get to walk out with no harm done. There is such a thing as white privilege and to those who do not believe that it is real, they need to educate themselves to what it really means. In a situation where a white mass shooter gets to be apprehended by the police quietly, yet a young African American man gets murdered in his back yard for doing nothing. And if you put one White person and one Hispanic person in a similar situation and watch what transpires. Will a white person get stopped only for their skin color; will they get asked to show their papers? Hispanics will. And God forbid if they do not have papers. They get escorted violently to a holding center for deportation. Do you think that they get due process? Do you believe that they have rights? Do you believe that they get to call home and tell their families what happened? What if they are here “legally”? I use that term loosely as this was Mexico. This was Native land. What gives us the right to keep anyone out? No one person is “illegal”. This is a derogatory term that is used to describe a HUMAN BEING!
The time has come for us to band together and fight back! All races, colors, creeds, nationalities, genders need to come together, now more than ever. We need to stop living quietly as a non- racist and begin to live vocally as a non- racist. There are many of us out here that are against this behavior. Let us all begin to speak out. Let us all begin to write about it. Let us vote and get more compassionate human beings in office. Let us stand up for the rights of ourselves and others. We have the power to speak up, we have the power to write, and we have the power to express ourselves. We can do something even if it is writing to the politicians. We have the power in numbers. Let us stand together in unity. Let us join as a community. Let us most importantly, raise our children as compassionate human beings. The key is to raise our children. Do not let others do the job. Do not put them in front of a television, or an I pad and let them learn trash. Teach them how to love, teach them how to take care of themselves, teach them that it is okay to speak up, teach them to face fears, teach them respect and manners.
The time is now and we need to rise up and use our voices to stop this behavior. It does not change in a day, some people will never change. This is why we can only change ourselves. We start with ONE!
With this, I leave you all with love.
This goes out to the original illegal immigrants who invaded this land and perpetrated horrific crimes against humanity. They raped the people, they raped the land and in turn they destroyed the balance of nature.They got away with it; there were no repercussions for their actions. Currently, the “powers that be” are dehumanizing people at an alarming rate. Well, let us be honest, they always have. It just gets thrust more in the public eye now that people are rising up and spreading the news.
It is happening everywhere. It is like a cancer spreading out of control and racking the integrity of our people. We have people of color being murdered for minor infractions, or worse yet doing nothing but being a darker color. We have racism being thrust in our faces every time we turn on the news or look at our social media pages. Xenophobes have been given free reign to spread their hatred on a much larger scale. Immigrants are being banned from entering this country, when immigration is what has built this nation. Travel bans, trade bans, federal assistance bans, housing bans, the list goes on and on. Families are being ripped apart by separating children from their parents and then being further humiliated by being placed in holding cages in a detention facility. A detention facility that is what they are calling it. Why not call them by their proper name, which are internment camps.
We have seen these before correct? The Japanese citizens were held in these camps during the World War 2 by order of our president at the time Mr. Franklin D Roosevelt. Everyone was on a racial charged kick against the Japanese due to public outcry after Pearl Harbor. The majority of the ones being held were U.S. Citizens. Of course, we cannot forget the camps in Europe that led to the torture and deaths of so many.
Hatred is what fuels this nation. The elite are in a perpetual xenophobic rant. The President of the United States and his underlings are pushing forward to purify the nation one person at a time. Nothing is done to the people who inflict pain, suffering, degradation and death on the innocents. They are secretly rewarded and publicly scolded like a child who scared his sister with a firecracker. The police are committing crimes against humanity at an alarming rate and getting no punishment for their actions. The justice system is in shambles and twisted. Real criminals get out of jail with no further marks on their records. Sexual predators get away with the damage that they have inflicted on their victims and move on to another day to be able to do it again. People are jailed at an alarming rate for something as minor as a broken tail light or having a joint on their person. Jail sentences are handed out at alarming rate to people of color while white people get away with more severe crimes and get to walk out with no harm done. There is such a thing as white privilege and to those who do not believe that it is real, they need to educate themselves to what it really means. In a situation where a white mass shooter gets to be apprehended by the police quietly, yet a young African American man gets murdered in his back yard for doing nothing. And if you put one White person and one Hispanic person in a similar situation and watch what transpires. Will a white person get stopped only for their skin color; will they get asked to show their papers? Hispanics will. And God forbid if they do not have papers. They get escorted violently to a holding center for deportation. Do you think that they get due process? Do you believe that they have rights? Do you believe that they get to call home and tell their families what happened? What if they are here “legally”? I use that term loosely as this was Mexico. This was Native land. What gives us the right to keep anyone out? No one person is “illegal”. This is a derogatory term that is used to describe a HUMAN BEING!
The time has come for us to band together and fight back! All races, colors, creeds, nationalities, genders need to come together, now more than ever. We need to stop living quietly as a non- racist and begin to live vocally as a non- racist. There are many of us out here that are against this behavior. Let us all begin to speak out. Let us all begin to write about it. Let us vote and get more compassionate human beings in office. Let us stand up for the rights of ourselves and others. We have the power to speak up, we have the power to write, and we have the power to express ourselves. We can do something even if it is writing to the politicians. We have the power in numbers. Let us stand together in unity. Let us join as a community. Let us most importantly, raise our children as compassionate human beings. The key is to raise our children. Do not let others do the job. Do not put them in front of a television, or an I pad and let them learn trash. Teach them how to love, teach them how to take care of themselves, teach them that it is okay to speak up, teach them to face fears, teach them respect and manners.
The time is now and we need to rise up and use our voices to stop this behavior. It does not change in a day, some people will never change. This is why we can only change ourselves. We start with ONE!
With this, I leave you all with love.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
A Path To Healing
I will start by saying that healing is a long, arduos journey. Healing from abuse can sometimes take a life time and many do not understand why it takes so long. If a person has never been abused, they will have a hard time comprehending it. They will judge you, ridicule you, berate you or just remain silent. They cannot understand how on Earth you allowed it to happen, this of course just adds to your suffering. The definition of abuse is the same whether used as a noun or a verb; it is to misuse, cruel or violent treatment of a human or animal. It creates a deeply distressing frame of mind for the abused victim.
Usually those that are victims of abuse have had a pattern set out at an early age. This is not a reason to be abused, but makes them an easy target to be abused. An example of this is: a lonely, withdrawn child who keeps to themselves and does not step out of their shell will usually more times than not become an easy target for bullies.
I will write about my own path to healing. Never a happy subject however, I feel it is the next step in finally shedding the stigma of a victim. I have worked very hard to overcome the trauma. I still struggle with things on a daily basis (meaning behaviors, triggers and the like) but the difference in my life now is that I can recognize when I am in that mindset and work to center myself and find my peace. Or those that love me will kindly let me know when I am actively reacting like a victim. I am thankful for all that are in my life that love me enough to be honest with me and tell me when I am behaving that way. I may not always like to hear it, but I listen. I check my ego and look within to pinpoint what it is that I am reacting to that brings that behavior out. Healing is a daily process and I believe, at least for me that it will be a lifetime journey but I can live a wonderfully, happy life without being miserable.
Early memories of abuse begin at home which statistically is the norm. Terrible, as home should be nurturing. Never damaging.
I was shy, unsure and eager to please. I wanted the approval of others always. Especially my father and my sister. My father was a HUGE influence in my life from a very young age and I always tried to be "good" so that he would like me. My sister and brother would get hit for whatever reason that my father saw that they were doing wrong. I watched and learned and made sure that I stayed away from the physical side of the abuse. I could not stop the mental abuse from happening though. It began at an early age. My father would ridicule me for not doing something correct, for being slow, for being too shy and many more things. He had a mental illness so this was why it was difficult for me to grasp, one day he loved me and I was the golden child and 10 minutes later, I was the worst form of a child. I never knew how to make him happy but I kept trying. My brother was not in my life long enough to be anything but cool to me. I looked up to him, I was devastated when he left to go back to living with his Mom. My sister was a typical big sister. I wanted to be like her, I wanted to be pretty and popular and talented just like her. I drove her nuts trying to always be around her but she would yell at me to leave her alone. She did not want to hang with a baby. Other times she would chase me, throw me down. That is normal sibling behavior but the degradation was not. She put me down all the time. I learned with her at least to ignore her, it was easier to do that with her. My mom was not abusive until my teenage years which was fueled by her alcoholism. She was my rock from an early age. In my younger years she had her way of letting me know that I disappointed her, my weight was always an issue. Other members of my family would let me know that I would be pretty like my sister if I just lost weight. That damn weight stigma stayed, and still remains to this day. People do not understand what happens with body degradation. They think that they are being nice or helpful or loving but not realizing that from a young age they are putting a tumor into someones mind that they do not look good enough to be accepted. And that they cannot be themselves, they have to conform to societal standards. This is a horrible form of abuse because it just spirals out of control. This leads to a different type of abuse and that is the abuse of self. Sometimes, you can not break free of it and it eats away at you your whole life, affecting all of your relationships, including friends, lovers, peers, educators and partners.
Throughout my young, impressionable years I formed friendships with stronger personalities than mine. I tend to still do this to a degree today, however, through healing I am discovering how wonderful I am and that I do deserve to be seen, heard and loved. This was a defense mechanism that I did as a way to hide. With them being so outgoing, I could stay in the shadows where I thought I belonged. If no one saw me, I would not stand out or worse, I would not be the butt of the jokes or pranks or bullying. I despise bullies. I despise the concept of someone feeling that they are better than someone else whom they deem weak or undeserving of a place in this world. I hated April Fools Day, I was the target of every practical joke throughout most of my grade school and middle school years. I was teased, given dog food, had my bra soaked from toilet water in gym class, I had mats pulled out from under me in gymnastics, chairs pulled out, boys pretending to like me, girls pretending to be friends, being the target of every dodge ball game, being picked last, my pants pulled down, you name it. But damn if they did not want answers in class from me at test time or homework time. I swear I felt like I was living every John Hughes movie ever made but without the comedy or happy ending. I never told my parents, ever. Especially my father. He would have been more disappointed in me than when I brought home a C. The cruelty of children is horrible and when there are large numbers banded together, there seems to be no escaping them. For anyone who has ever bullied someone, I hope that you learned from it and grew up. If you never learned and you still are, then Karma is taking notes. So sad, that most bullies grow up to be even bigger bullies. This leads to into my next part of this story.
When I finally began dating boys, I moved quickly. After living with my father until the 9th grade, I was forbidden from dating. I ended up moving to my mothers house and there I stayed through graduating high school. I was a little boy crazy as they were finally starting to notice me. I of course chose all of the wrong kinds. Most were bullies, abusers, users or just sex crazed. I ended up getting a "serious" boyfriend, he was everything to me. Well, I refused to have sex. I was not ready for all that. He used to put me down and try to belittle me to make me do it. I stayed strong. Well, one night he ended up coming into my room, we usually did this every night so nothing was out of the ordinary there. My mom never knew as she was usually pretty out of it by then. This night, he would not take no for an answer. Tore my clothes, held me down and raped me. Then he got up and left without a word. I was in shock and mortified and embarrassed. Next day, he told the whole damn school! I told my best friend that I did "it" and I lied. I told her that I liked it! This is where the lying to myself and others started. I became a great actress. To make this situation worse, I went to a close friend of the both of us to hang out after school. I walked in and guess who was sleeping together? It was a triple whammy. And a part of me fell apart.
Next run of boyfriends were no better than him minus rape. They were just bullies who told me to be this, be that, change this, change that. I ended up meeting my best friends step brother and he was like a breath of fresh air. Oh my God was he nice. We were together for 2 years and he made me feel beautiful, loved and worth something. My mother was getting worse with the alcoholism and he was my escape. I actually was beginning to like myself and bullies were finally a memory from the past. We experienced most of our firsts together in a completely loving relationship. I felt for sure that I was going to be with him forever. Well, of course some good things have to come to an end. He ended the relationship with me and I was devastated but then began to think that it was me and that I really was a piece of crap. Self hatred is a horrible monster that would continually pop up in my life. By this time my mom went to rehab and I found myself essentially homeless. I lived with our family friend for a time but her husband kicked me out. And then luckily my friends mother found out my life and took me in. Who knows where I would have ended up without her. My mom got out of rehab and we began to work on repairing our relationship. All the while I ended up with another mentally abusive guy and a few flings. At this point I was done. I decided to move to Pennsylvania to live with my Dad. Yes. even though he never opened his house up to me when I became homeless, I thought he was all better by then. Was I wrong! I was under strict rules with him and I was 18 with a job. I mean I got a job 2 weeks after moving there! So, really he just got worse with me. I turned into the 13 year old Tianne who was meek and shy and unsure of herself. He screwed with my mind terribly. I ended up meeting a guy in the inner city. Well, there were a few factors involved with this meeting. He was nothing that I should have gone near. Street guy, addict, alcoholic, abuser, mentally unstable and just got out of a rehab and burn unit for attempting suicide! Where are you in your own mind when you think this is normal? I left my Dads into the arms of a much larger enemy and never looked back.
I guess all of the abuse that I endured as a youngster and teenager was prepping me for the abuse that was to come. You find out your strength and will to survive after awhile. Some do not get out, some do not know their strength and in many cases some do not survive. I thank God that I made it out alive. I am so grateful to all who helped me realize my worth so that I could get out of the situation and grow. It was a struggle and I did not leave for 20 years!
During the courtship he was charming and sweet and unstable. I thought that I could fix him since he was a victim too right? He wanted to have a kid right away! I was not ready to be a Mom but he kept telling me that we were together till death do us part (we were not married, never did get married)so we had to have a kid, he wanted a family. I began to believe that he was the best man that I could get so I should do what he says. The mental abuse and bullying began around the same time that I got pregnant.We were too young and not mentally able to become parents. My pregnancy was stressed. Things were violent daily and the only reason that he did not beat me was the baby that I was carrying. He verbally and mentally abused me and made sure that I was docile enough to do as I was told and realize that I was his property to do what he wanted with me. He frequently would rape me since that was the only abuse that he could inflict on me that would not leave marks. Surprisingly, I did deliver my baby. She had a lot of complications and was born purple. Trauma after trauma after trauma. He even blamed me for her issues saying that I was a bad mother while pregnant. And I actually believed him!
I ended up leaving for a short time and went back to California so that he could make things "right". But, I went back and knew that we were to be together forever. Now, the downward spiral began.
We decided after a few years to have another child. This pregnancy brought more stress. He learned ways to hurt me without hitting me. Shoving, wrestling moves, grabbing my face and neck, pulling my hair, torture and the verbal abuse became a regular thing so much like it was welcome to me. At this point I learned of how far his addiction had grown. It was so out of control. He continued with rape as it was his way of showing love to a cold-hearted woman as he called me. I had my son, who was luckily very healthy and seemed to change things for a bit. I did leave him again for almost a year. I actually got bold and put a protection from abuse order on him. He violated it and went to jail for a bit. I was terrified of what he would do to me when he got out. Statistics again state that domestic violence ends in death very often. I took him back after he got clean and sober. I thought he was all better and thought that maybe I could be a better woman and do what he wanted. We moved to another state, I thought that the change would be better. I was wrong, he drank more than ever. Over the years the verbal and mental abuse moved to include my children. I shielded them from as much as I could. I did their chores so they would not get in trouble for doing them wrong. I did their homework so it was done by the time he got home. I did everything that I was supposed to do.
My life began to go on a different path, I was slowly beginning to find myself. I started to grow. I got my drivers license. I went back to school and got a career. I lost 80 pounds and started to think for myself.
Due to my growth things began to unravel and spiral so far out of control. After a particularly rough time he decided to move back to his home state. All of this with promises of change and providing for us. After he left he kept his finger on me at all times. I was under a huge cloud of doubt and fear. I was realizing that I needed to end things with him but I was too scared of the outcome so I stayed "with" him. I was such a great actress. To everyone I was still looking to the future with this guy. And he had no idea that I was thinking of leaving the relationship.
He came back into our lives for a brief time around the time of my daughters graduation. He was still an addict, an alcoholic and abusive. One night, it escalated in front of the kids and I was done! I waited for him to pass out and we fled in the middle of the night. I hid out, delivered a protection order and had a cop friend let him know that he needed to leave. That was it, I was finally asserting myself. But damn if that fear was stronger than ever.
He left the state with promises of change and grandeur. I began to loosen the chains that bound me. It took me another 7 months to end it, but I finally did it! Through all of this I had many ups and downs and second thoughts because it is so ingrained in you that no one out there will love you like they do. There is so much mind control that it seems there is no way out. I got stronger, I learned to survive. I had a lot of help from great people in my life who encouraged me all the way and helped me when I was at my lowest points. The kids and I struggled, but we made it. He still tried to abuse me through phone calls, letters, reaching out to people who he thought would change my mind and even degrading me on social media but I stayed strong.
I have no way of shortening this story because I think that it is important to put in all aspects from the beginning to the current situations in life. We need to share our stories so that people understand where it begins, how it begins and how it embeds itself so deeply some of us do not make it out. I NEVER thought that I would make it out. Do I regret it or any decisions that I made? No, I have NO REGRETS! Do I wish that I would have made better choices? Hell yes! But, out of this I have 2 amazing children. They loved me unconditionally when no one else would, including myself. They are the reason I am here. I was made to be a Mom and they are my life above anything else.
My children suffered abuses that I did not see. I am only finding out about them now that they are older and learned to share. I encourage them to accept what happened, talk about it, learn from it, never make those choices and grow, grow, grow! We are open and honest with each other and this is the bond that I share with them. They make me proud to be their Mother. They could have gone down a darker path but they both are doing pretty darn good. I also have met a kind man that I share my life with and he encourages me every step of the way on my path of enlightenment. It has not been easy for him to handle my behaviors that are so embedded within me. But again, he is one of those great people in my life who will kindly remind me that I am subservient to no one. I am thankful for him everyday.
I just wanted to share this story so that it may help someone else to realize that they can make it. I also want to be able to finally put this damn story to rest. This chapter is closing and I am grateful for being able to tell it. I am grateful to have had a great support system through the ending of that chapter. I never had support during the relationship as I told NO ONE, I was a great actress, remember? I only told people after I was finally done. I had no choice I ran.
All that I can say is please tell someone. Please let someone know that you are being abused. Some one will help you. You DO NOT deserve it! You are worthy and deserve to be loved. It starts as a child, if you are abused please reach out to some one. If you know of a child who is being abused please help them. If you are a teenager and someone hurts you please tell some one. Please TELL! Death is permanent and most times domestic violence does lead to this. It is not okay to be hurt and if you do not tell, someone else will become the victim. They do not just wake up one day and stop hurting people. And it will not get better if you ignore it. Statistically I know that most times people will say that a victim asked for it due to situations, the way they dress, the way they act, that is ALL bullshit. Victims do not ASK to be hurt. Please stop the cycle, so not let it happen to others. I should have told on my first abuser. I did not, who knows if he did it again? I should have stopped my ex, who knows who else he may have done this to. Do not stay quiet,that is the worst pain. It will consume you. Guilt is a horrible demon that lives within your mind consuming you and injuring more than a fist ever could. Speak Up, Speak Out, Survive, Thrive and Live!
I leave you all with a thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. To those of you who are in my life, thank you. You make my life rich and you make me feel worthy and loved and safe.
Peace, Love and Light Always!
Usually those that are victims of abuse have had a pattern set out at an early age. This is not a reason to be abused, but makes them an easy target to be abused. An example of this is: a lonely, withdrawn child who keeps to themselves and does not step out of their shell will usually more times than not become an easy target for bullies.
I will write about my own path to healing. Never a happy subject however, I feel it is the next step in finally shedding the stigma of a victim. I have worked very hard to overcome the trauma. I still struggle with things on a daily basis (meaning behaviors, triggers and the like) but the difference in my life now is that I can recognize when I am in that mindset and work to center myself and find my peace. Or those that love me will kindly let me know when I am actively reacting like a victim. I am thankful for all that are in my life that love me enough to be honest with me and tell me when I am behaving that way. I may not always like to hear it, but I listen. I check my ego and look within to pinpoint what it is that I am reacting to that brings that behavior out. Healing is a daily process and I believe, at least for me that it will be a lifetime journey but I can live a wonderfully, happy life without being miserable.
Early memories of abuse begin at home which statistically is the norm. Terrible, as home should be nurturing. Never damaging.
I was shy, unsure and eager to please. I wanted the approval of others always. Especially my father and my sister. My father was a HUGE influence in my life from a very young age and I always tried to be "good" so that he would like me. My sister and brother would get hit for whatever reason that my father saw that they were doing wrong. I watched and learned and made sure that I stayed away from the physical side of the abuse. I could not stop the mental abuse from happening though. It began at an early age. My father would ridicule me for not doing something correct, for being slow, for being too shy and many more things. He had a mental illness so this was why it was difficult for me to grasp, one day he loved me and I was the golden child and 10 minutes later, I was the worst form of a child. I never knew how to make him happy but I kept trying. My brother was not in my life long enough to be anything but cool to me. I looked up to him, I was devastated when he left to go back to living with his Mom. My sister was a typical big sister. I wanted to be like her, I wanted to be pretty and popular and talented just like her. I drove her nuts trying to always be around her but she would yell at me to leave her alone. She did not want to hang with a baby. Other times she would chase me, throw me down. That is normal sibling behavior but the degradation was not. She put me down all the time. I learned with her at least to ignore her, it was easier to do that with her. My mom was not abusive until my teenage years which was fueled by her alcoholism. She was my rock from an early age. In my younger years she had her way of letting me know that I disappointed her, my weight was always an issue. Other members of my family would let me know that I would be pretty like my sister if I just lost weight. That damn weight stigma stayed, and still remains to this day. People do not understand what happens with body degradation. They think that they are being nice or helpful or loving but not realizing that from a young age they are putting a tumor into someones mind that they do not look good enough to be accepted. And that they cannot be themselves, they have to conform to societal standards. This is a horrible form of abuse because it just spirals out of control. This leads to a different type of abuse and that is the abuse of self. Sometimes, you can not break free of it and it eats away at you your whole life, affecting all of your relationships, including friends, lovers, peers, educators and partners.
Throughout my young, impressionable years I formed friendships with stronger personalities than mine. I tend to still do this to a degree today, however, through healing I am discovering how wonderful I am and that I do deserve to be seen, heard and loved. This was a defense mechanism that I did as a way to hide. With them being so outgoing, I could stay in the shadows where I thought I belonged. If no one saw me, I would not stand out or worse, I would not be the butt of the jokes or pranks or bullying. I despise bullies. I despise the concept of someone feeling that they are better than someone else whom they deem weak or undeserving of a place in this world. I hated April Fools Day, I was the target of every practical joke throughout most of my grade school and middle school years. I was teased, given dog food, had my bra soaked from toilet water in gym class, I had mats pulled out from under me in gymnastics, chairs pulled out, boys pretending to like me, girls pretending to be friends, being the target of every dodge ball game, being picked last, my pants pulled down, you name it. But damn if they did not want answers in class from me at test time or homework time. I swear I felt like I was living every John Hughes movie ever made but without the comedy or happy ending. I never told my parents, ever. Especially my father. He would have been more disappointed in me than when I brought home a C. The cruelty of children is horrible and when there are large numbers banded together, there seems to be no escaping them. For anyone who has ever bullied someone, I hope that you learned from it and grew up. If you never learned and you still are, then Karma is taking notes. So sad, that most bullies grow up to be even bigger bullies. This leads to into my next part of this story.
When I finally began dating boys, I moved quickly. After living with my father until the 9th grade, I was forbidden from dating. I ended up moving to my mothers house and there I stayed through graduating high school. I was a little boy crazy as they were finally starting to notice me. I of course chose all of the wrong kinds. Most were bullies, abusers, users or just sex crazed. I ended up getting a "serious" boyfriend, he was everything to me. Well, I refused to have sex. I was not ready for all that. He used to put me down and try to belittle me to make me do it. I stayed strong. Well, one night he ended up coming into my room, we usually did this every night so nothing was out of the ordinary there. My mom never knew as she was usually pretty out of it by then. This night, he would not take no for an answer. Tore my clothes, held me down and raped me. Then he got up and left without a word. I was in shock and mortified and embarrassed. Next day, he told the whole damn school! I told my best friend that I did "it" and I lied. I told her that I liked it! This is where the lying to myself and others started. I became a great actress. To make this situation worse, I went to a close friend of the both of us to hang out after school. I walked in and guess who was sleeping together? It was a triple whammy. And a part of me fell apart.
Next run of boyfriends were no better than him minus rape. They were just bullies who told me to be this, be that, change this, change that. I ended up meeting my best friends step brother and he was like a breath of fresh air. Oh my God was he nice. We were together for 2 years and he made me feel beautiful, loved and worth something. My mother was getting worse with the alcoholism and he was my escape. I actually was beginning to like myself and bullies were finally a memory from the past. We experienced most of our firsts together in a completely loving relationship. I felt for sure that I was going to be with him forever. Well, of course some good things have to come to an end. He ended the relationship with me and I was devastated but then began to think that it was me and that I really was a piece of crap. Self hatred is a horrible monster that would continually pop up in my life. By this time my mom went to rehab and I found myself essentially homeless. I lived with our family friend for a time but her husband kicked me out. And then luckily my friends mother found out my life and took me in. Who knows where I would have ended up without her. My mom got out of rehab and we began to work on repairing our relationship. All the while I ended up with another mentally abusive guy and a few flings. At this point I was done. I decided to move to Pennsylvania to live with my Dad. Yes. even though he never opened his house up to me when I became homeless, I thought he was all better by then. Was I wrong! I was under strict rules with him and I was 18 with a job. I mean I got a job 2 weeks after moving there! So, really he just got worse with me. I turned into the 13 year old Tianne who was meek and shy and unsure of herself. He screwed with my mind terribly. I ended up meeting a guy in the inner city. Well, there were a few factors involved with this meeting. He was nothing that I should have gone near. Street guy, addict, alcoholic, abuser, mentally unstable and just got out of a rehab and burn unit for attempting suicide! Where are you in your own mind when you think this is normal? I left my Dads into the arms of a much larger enemy and never looked back.
I guess all of the abuse that I endured as a youngster and teenager was prepping me for the abuse that was to come. You find out your strength and will to survive after awhile. Some do not get out, some do not know their strength and in many cases some do not survive. I thank God that I made it out alive. I am so grateful to all who helped me realize my worth so that I could get out of the situation and grow. It was a struggle and I did not leave for 20 years!
During the courtship he was charming and sweet and unstable. I thought that I could fix him since he was a victim too right? He wanted to have a kid right away! I was not ready to be a Mom but he kept telling me that we were together till death do us part (we were not married, never did get married)so we had to have a kid, he wanted a family. I began to believe that he was the best man that I could get so I should do what he says. The mental abuse and bullying began around the same time that I got pregnant.We were too young and not mentally able to become parents. My pregnancy was stressed. Things were violent daily and the only reason that he did not beat me was the baby that I was carrying. He verbally and mentally abused me and made sure that I was docile enough to do as I was told and realize that I was his property to do what he wanted with me. He frequently would rape me since that was the only abuse that he could inflict on me that would not leave marks. Surprisingly, I did deliver my baby. She had a lot of complications and was born purple. Trauma after trauma after trauma. He even blamed me for her issues saying that I was a bad mother while pregnant. And I actually believed him!
I ended up leaving for a short time and went back to California so that he could make things "right". But, I went back and knew that we were to be together forever. Now, the downward spiral began.
We decided after a few years to have another child. This pregnancy brought more stress. He learned ways to hurt me without hitting me. Shoving, wrestling moves, grabbing my face and neck, pulling my hair, torture and the verbal abuse became a regular thing so much like it was welcome to me. At this point I learned of how far his addiction had grown. It was so out of control. He continued with rape as it was his way of showing love to a cold-hearted woman as he called me. I had my son, who was luckily very healthy and seemed to change things for a bit. I did leave him again for almost a year. I actually got bold and put a protection from abuse order on him. He violated it and went to jail for a bit. I was terrified of what he would do to me when he got out. Statistics again state that domestic violence ends in death very often. I took him back after he got clean and sober. I thought he was all better and thought that maybe I could be a better woman and do what he wanted. We moved to another state, I thought that the change would be better. I was wrong, he drank more than ever. Over the years the verbal and mental abuse moved to include my children. I shielded them from as much as I could. I did their chores so they would not get in trouble for doing them wrong. I did their homework so it was done by the time he got home. I did everything that I was supposed to do.
My life began to go on a different path, I was slowly beginning to find myself. I started to grow. I got my drivers license. I went back to school and got a career. I lost 80 pounds and started to think for myself.
Due to my growth things began to unravel and spiral so far out of control. After a particularly rough time he decided to move back to his home state. All of this with promises of change and providing for us. After he left he kept his finger on me at all times. I was under a huge cloud of doubt and fear. I was realizing that I needed to end things with him but I was too scared of the outcome so I stayed "with" him. I was such a great actress. To everyone I was still looking to the future with this guy. And he had no idea that I was thinking of leaving the relationship.
He came back into our lives for a brief time around the time of my daughters graduation. He was still an addict, an alcoholic and abusive. One night, it escalated in front of the kids and I was done! I waited for him to pass out and we fled in the middle of the night. I hid out, delivered a protection order and had a cop friend let him know that he needed to leave. That was it, I was finally asserting myself. But damn if that fear was stronger than ever.
He left the state with promises of change and grandeur. I began to loosen the chains that bound me. It took me another 7 months to end it, but I finally did it! Through all of this I had many ups and downs and second thoughts because it is so ingrained in you that no one out there will love you like they do. There is so much mind control that it seems there is no way out. I got stronger, I learned to survive. I had a lot of help from great people in my life who encouraged me all the way and helped me when I was at my lowest points. The kids and I struggled, but we made it. He still tried to abuse me through phone calls, letters, reaching out to people who he thought would change my mind and even degrading me on social media but I stayed strong.
I have no way of shortening this story because I think that it is important to put in all aspects from the beginning to the current situations in life. We need to share our stories so that people understand where it begins, how it begins and how it embeds itself so deeply some of us do not make it out. I NEVER thought that I would make it out. Do I regret it or any decisions that I made? No, I have NO REGRETS! Do I wish that I would have made better choices? Hell yes! But, out of this I have 2 amazing children. They loved me unconditionally when no one else would, including myself. They are the reason I am here. I was made to be a Mom and they are my life above anything else.
My children suffered abuses that I did not see. I am only finding out about them now that they are older and learned to share. I encourage them to accept what happened, talk about it, learn from it, never make those choices and grow, grow, grow! We are open and honest with each other and this is the bond that I share with them. They make me proud to be their Mother. They could have gone down a darker path but they both are doing pretty darn good. I also have met a kind man that I share my life with and he encourages me every step of the way on my path of enlightenment. It has not been easy for him to handle my behaviors that are so embedded within me. But again, he is one of those great people in my life who will kindly remind me that I am subservient to no one. I am thankful for him everyday.
I just wanted to share this story so that it may help someone else to realize that they can make it. I also want to be able to finally put this damn story to rest. This chapter is closing and I am grateful for being able to tell it. I am grateful to have had a great support system through the ending of that chapter. I never had support during the relationship as I told NO ONE, I was a great actress, remember? I only told people after I was finally done. I had no choice I ran.
All that I can say is please tell someone. Please let someone know that you are being abused. Some one will help you. You DO NOT deserve it! You are worthy and deserve to be loved. It starts as a child, if you are abused please reach out to some one. If you know of a child who is being abused please help them. If you are a teenager and someone hurts you please tell some one. Please TELL! Death is permanent and most times domestic violence does lead to this. It is not okay to be hurt and if you do not tell, someone else will become the victim. They do not just wake up one day and stop hurting people. And it will not get better if you ignore it. Statistically I know that most times people will say that a victim asked for it due to situations, the way they dress, the way they act, that is ALL bullshit. Victims do not ASK to be hurt. Please stop the cycle, so not let it happen to others. I should have told on my first abuser. I did not, who knows if he did it again? I should have stopped my ex, who knows who else he may have done this to. Do not stay quiet,that is the worst pain. It will consume you. Guilt is a horrible demon that lives within your mind consuming you and injuring more than a fist ever could. Speak Up, Speak Out, Survive, Thrive and Live!
I leave you all with a thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. To those of you who are in my life, thank you. You make my life rich and you make me feel worthy and loved and safe.
Peace, Love and Light Always!
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
Empowering Ourselves And Others
This week , I am writing on a social issue that is coming to light from every direction at the moment.
I ask you, in what world is it okay for ANY type of sexual abuse? This includes sexual assault and sexual misconduct as well.
The reason that I pose this question is that I see different views on it and wanted to touch on this very personal issue.
In recent weeks we have been watching as sexual misconduct accusations are coming to light in all aspects of society. It is especially disturbing hearing so many cases being brought to the forefront. Suspicions and accusations have always been spoken about in regards to politics, Hollywood and high society. The reason why it is so hard to swallow is that it seems that lately, every day there is a new accusation. This to me is very disturbing and unsettling. What is more disturbing is the fact that I am hearing a lot of attitudes that are nonchalant or accusatory towards the victims.
Some people do not care. The reasons are their own of course, and it could be they are not directly affected by it that they have no say in the matter. I can both understand and respect that view.
Some people are critical of the victims. They are wondering why they have never stepped forward until now. In some cases it has been 30 years since the incidents have taken place. There are those that stand by the accused and have very ignorant remarks regarding the allegations. This is what has provoked me to write about this subject today.
Let us look at a different perspective. The perspective of the victims. So many factors are involved in remaining quiet that we cannot judge some one who does not come forward. Fear is usually the driving force. For others it is shame. There are cases of threats, physical abuse that keeps them quiet, blackmail (this is especially true in positions of power or affluence) and of course ruining someones life.
From a perspective of victim, terror is a huge factor. Being terrified and feeling stuck and full of shame, full of regret, full of self loathing. If this has never happened to you, you will never know what it feels like to be helpless and alone. And please do not judge someone for this either, they have enough to contend with.
Now, I am not saying that all accusations are truth. We are well aware of how deceitful people can be especially in regards to money and power. Some people have something to gain by destroying someone else's life. And this is just as disturbing as the cases that are legit.
One thing that we need to do is begin to empower ourselves. We need to help empower others so that they may find their strength. This is my reason for writing this.
Let us Stand Up! Let us Speak Up! Let us make it okay to tell someone when something bad happens to us so that we are not afraid or embarrassed. Let us make it okay For our normal reaction to tell someone and get help rather than hide in the shadows and harm ourselves by shaming ourselves. The people who harm others are the ones who should be shamed and the more that people come forward the better it will be in the long run, I truly believe this.
Let us stop shaming, stop hating.
Stand up for ourselves!
Stand up for each other!
Speak up for yourself!
Speak up for others!
Do not remain silent. Speak on the offenses right away, do not let time get away from you. Tell someone, there is always someone out there that will listen. There is someone out there who will care. Take it from me, there is help. There is hope.
Love wins!!!
I ask you, in what world is it okay for ANY type of sexual abuse? This includes sexual assault and sexual misconduct as well.
The reason that I pose this question is that I see different views on it and wanted to touch on this very personal issue.
In recent weeks we have been watching as sexual misconduct accusations are coming to light in all aspects of society. It is especially disturbing hearing so many cases being brought to the forefront. Suspicions and accusations have always been spoken about in regards to politics, Hollywood and high society. The reason why it is so hard to swallow is that it seems that lately, every day there is a new accusation. This to me is very disturbing and unsettling. What is more disturbing is the fact that I am hearing a lot of attitudes that are nonchalant or accusatory towards the victims.
Some people do not care. The reasons are their own of course, and it could be they are not directly affected by it that they have no say in the matter. I can both understand and respect that view.
Some people are critical of the victims. They are wondering why they have never stepped forward until now. In some cases it has been 30 years since the incidents have taken place. There are those that stand by the accused and have very ignorant remarks regarding the allegations. This is what has provoked me to write about this subject today.
Let us look at a different perspective. The perspective of the victims. So many factors are involved in remaining quiet that we cannot judge some one who does not come forward. Fear is usually the driving force. For others it is shame. There are cases of threats, physical abuse that keeps them quiet, blackmail (this is especially true in positions of power or affluence) and of course ruining someones life.
From a perspective of victim, terror is a huge factor. Being terrified and feeling stuck and full of shame, full of regret, full of self loathing. If this has never happened to you, you will never know what it feels like to be helpless and alone. And please do not judge someone for this either, they have enough to contend with.
Now, I am not saying that all accusations are truth. We are well aware of how deceitful people can be especially in regards to money and power. Some people have something to gain by destroying someone else's life. And this is just as disturbing as the cases that are legit.
One thing that we need to do is begin to empower ourselves. We need to help empower others so that they may find their strength. This is my reason for writing this.
Let us Stand Up! Let us Speak Up! Let us make it okay to tell someone when something bad happens to us so that we are not afraid or embarrassed. Let us make it okay For our normal reaction to tell someone and get help rather than hide in the shadows and harm ourselves by shaming ourselves. The people who harm others are the ones who should be shamed and the more that people come forward the better it will be in the long run, I truly believe this.
Let us stop shaming, stop hating.
Stand up for ourselves!
Stand up for each other!
Speak up for yourself!
Speak up for others!
Do not remain silent. Speak on the offenses right away, do not let time get away from you. Tell someone, there is always someone out there that will listen. There is someone out there who will care. Take it from me, there is help. There is hope.
Love wins!!!
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