Learning to Let Go and Move On

Having had to " let go" of many a people, situations and feelings this is a difficult task sometimes and it takes a lot of self reflection most times to do so.
The act of letting go is not always a challenge. Sometimes, we are very sure that a situation or person is toxic enough to walk away from. Other times, especially when it is someone that we care about, it is hard to do. We spin the scenarios around in our head. We second guess the situations that led us up to that moment, hoping that we missed something. Clinging to the belief in people. That there is good somewhere, there has to be right?
That is called being human. We form emotional bonds with people on so many levels. The emotional bonds embed themselves into our psyche, leaving us vulnerable. And again, not all of this is a bad thing. I am simply going to focus on the ones that we need to let go of.
I have had much experience in letting go. Unfortunately for me, I usually wait until the "last straw" has been broken, time and time again. I never did learn the lessons that were being shown to me.
One of my most difficult moments of letting go was with my father. I have spoken about him on here before. I did not learn right away how toxic that he was until high school when I asked him to help me as my mother went into rehab (and would be there quite awhile) and he said that he had nowhere for me to stay, while he had a big house and plenty of room. Time and time again these same types of scenarios would play out and I would always let him back into my life, only to be kicked right back down to the ground. We would become close and then I would do something that he did not see was up to his standards and he would walk away. It was always him walking away while leaving me confused, emotional, with a face full of tears. I never could please him. Little did I know that it was he who could not please himself. I drew the line with him finally after multiple attempts on his part to be a part of my children's lives. He would pop in, be "Pappy Frank" and full of love on paper (never in person) and then just disappear. After my daughter hit 13 he called me and told me about how he could never forgive me for some imagined wrong that I had done and that he would call me someday when he saw fit but to never call him. Instead of leaving me with tears, he left me cold. I stood at that moment looking at the face of the Superstition Mountains, looked down at the phone and decided that he would never do that to me again. That was indeed the last time that I spoke to my father until years later when he was near death. I wondered where he was, how we was doing but never to the point of tracking him down or making that call. Was it difficult? Hell yes. Was it worth it? Hell yes. I learned with just that one lesson that I could remove toxicity from my life. Of course, I was at the time living within the biggest toxic relationship of my life.
And here we go onto another huge lesson in letting go and moving on. As I have most recently written on here about my previous relationships, I included the last one which spanned 21 years. This goes into what I said in the beginning as hoping that there is good in someone so that you do not have to make the painful choice to walk away. But in this case, it was detrimental that I walk away. More like, run away. I will not go into detail as I did just speak on this subject about him. And I really did let it go and walk away. It took a long time and having left him twice it did finally happen. What I learned from the experience with him was that I do not need to be with someone for the sake of being with someone. I do not need to be with someone if it hurts. I deserve better than pain with a sprinkle of happiness. And I learned that I never have to look for good within someone when they hide it. Life is not a scavenger hunt for love and affection. If you cannot find it, you better love yourself because you are the only one who is true to YOU. After finally walking away, letting go and shedding the stigma of pain I learned something. I am still here, I still know how to love and I am worthy of living. And you can still live a full life when you get rid of the negative hold that some people hold over you.
Next steps in walking away involve other family members and a few friends thrown in for good measure. There have been moments in my life where I made friends with some of the best people I thought I knew. Problem was, they were fake and full of underlying negativity. I had one in particular that was so involved in my life he was always around me. I trusted him with everything including my children, and that was the worst mistake that I have ever made. And believe me, I have made my fair share of mistakes. Turns out that during a time when I needed him the most, he was doing the horrible things to my children. Well, my daughter was the one who suffered his wrath. He was a very bitter and angry person and therefore took all of his frustrations out on my daughter. My son was not treated horribly but my daughter was traumatized. This so called friend was taking things out on her for his shortcomings in life and the fact that his mother was just as horrible as he was. I ended up breaking ties with him for other reasons. I unfortunately did not find out about that incident until after I moved halfway across the country. But when I did, I had to be there for my daughter and work through the emotions and feelings with her. I never did confront him or his mother. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to turn my back, work through the emotions and let go. In doing so I was able to move on.
In regards to family members, I have let go and moved on from them as well. I have decided that not mentioning situations is also a form of letting go, is it not?
I decided to share this part of my journey so that others may see a similarity in their lives and realize that if they walked away then they are ahead of the game and doing just fine. It takes a bigger person to walk away, cut ties and forgive people. But it really is for the best and forgiveness is key to a clear soul and pure heart.
Thank you for taking a walk on this path with me. As always, love often and live without fear. We are all human and will make mistakes but we survive always.
Peace, Love and Happiness Always!

Life Lessons, Personal Growth and the art of Being Human

How do you define humble?
The true definition of humble is "having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance". The act of humbling oneself is to lower yourself. This does not mean subservient, this does not mean making yourself less of a human. It is indeed to bring yourself down to a lower form. It is to look at yourself on a whole and realize that you are not above anyone. It is to look at yourself and be respectful and quiet at the right time.
I am at a stage in my life where I feel as if I have become who I am supposed to be. Not that I have fully grown mind you, only that I am at the exact place that I need to be at the moment. I have developed into a more complete version of myself.
Having struggled along the way. Having been pushed back down, time and time again. Having damaged myself through self hatred, guilt and negative thinking I have come to a place where the positive creeps in way more than the negative does and I get stronger and stronger. I embrace my changes and I embrace who I am evolving into. I no longer hide in the shadows and cower behind make believe security. I am learning to believe in myself more and more everyday. Dare I say that I am beginning to trust myself and my instincts to the point of not retreating back to the same old, same old behaviors that were so damaging.
Having spent years being apologetic for things that I really had not done wrong. Apologizing for breathing, for speaking, for being in a room, for existing. I spent so long in that place and I still mentally smack my hand when I find myself doing it still. Thankfully I have people in my life who will kindly remind me that I am worthy.
I never thought of myself as disrespectful or hurtful or judgmental. However, in recent months I have begun to see myself with a different perspective. I have stripped away my layers and gotten into the core. I am beginning to focus more on the inner working of "Ti". I have always had a tendency to spew forth anything that comes to mind without thinking first. I have had a tendency to say things without thinking of whom it may affect. I have also had a tendency to judge without having a right to judge. Not one person on this planet has the right to judge another human being, this is a reminder.
I love to laugh and in doing so I love to joke around. My joking is not always taken in the right context so I am learning to watch what I say.
I am sarcastic by nature. Sometimes, this is not a good trait to have and sometimes people will get offended. I mean no harm, let that be known.
I have judged people mentally and then after having learned about the person, I have had to make amends to the universe and change perspective.
The blessing to all of this seemingly negative behavior is that I am learning to accept my human behaviors and to change them. I am learning to be more conscious of who I am around and how they feel. I am also learning to bypass sarcasm as much as possible. I learned the hard way that there is indeed truth in sarcasm and it can be painful when it is thrown right back at you.
We are human, we are nature. And we will and do make mistakes. The key is that after making those mistakes, we accept them as a past transgression and learn from each one. The key to growth is change. We will always evolve if we seek enlightenment. If we do not, well, then you know that we will stay stagnant. Trapped in a negative place in the mind. Unable to go forward or see light.
I have met more people in the last few years that have changed my thought process on many things. These same people have shown me a new perspective. A new way to look at things and a new way to approach situations. I am also, after many hard lessons, beginning to make better choices in the company that I keep.
I am utilizing this platform today to mainly just write out life lessons. I like to share these lessons that happen in my life from time to time just to see if others can relate.
I continue to grow, change, develop, accept and learn on a daily basis. I accept lessons learned as a badge of honor almost in the sense that life lessons make us more human and more humble. Realizing that we are just a speck in this great universe and knowing that life is beautiful for all that it offers to us. The good, the bad, the sad and everything else in between. Until next time. Thanks for reading and peace, love and happiness always!

How Nature and Photography Inspire My Words

I have always been a natural girl. I have always been happiest when fully surrounded by nature.
I grew up mainly in Northern California, therefore I spent most of my time by the ocean. We lived in a navy town by the bay and surrounded by water. I have fond memories of rolling down hills covered in ice plants on cardboard and looking out across glistening waters with Mare Island Naval Shipyard looming eerily in the background. I would always look at the Submarines and think how creepy they looked just docked right across the water from us. We spent a lot of time on the waterfront. We would crab, fish and dare each other to jump in the black, bottomless water. We would go to the docks by the Yacht club where people had their fancy boats all tied up. We would run the length of the docks until we met the big, locked gates warning us to not trespass. We would climb under the docks when the tide was out and see what we could find embedded in the "muck". Frequently we would get stuck in the muck which, if you pulled hard would suck you in more. It was frightening as it was similar to quicksand. I lost shoes and socks in that stinky stuff. But, damn if I was not living the life. We were always wandering around, a group of us kids. Daring each other to do things, I would usually chicken out of the scary stuff. I was adventurous but had a cushion of security that I did not like to leave behind. Not to mention the fact that I was terrified of my father whom I knew would find out and I would be in BIG trouble. So, when the other kids would push boundaries I usually stayed behind and lost myself in song and my surroundings. I was always a seeker (as I like to call myself). I looked on the ground, I looked in the sky, I looked in nooks and crannies. I would find rusted nails, old bottles (some of which were antiques), bottle caps (which I collected) and many other treasures. The other kids would tease me and tell me that I was chicken but I was way too comfortable out of danger and therefore would not bring attention to myself. As I stated in a previous post, this was my normal thing to do. Slip by or out of a room or area completely unnoticed.
I also grew up for a bit in Pennsylvania. I lived in Lancaster County surrounded by lush green pastures, farmland, fresh food and the smell of flowers. I spent most of my time outdoors. Playing on swings, playing in old tractor tires, playing in the creek, helping pick vegetables from my Great Grammas' garden or tagging along with my Dad. I would play in his wood shop surrounded by wood shavings. I still remember the smell and how much it comforted me. I had many chances to be surrounded by nature. At my Nans' house I played in the spring house and caught Salamanders and played with spiders. We would pick berries down by the stream that ran through the property. We would play in the snow down the long driveway in winter. Snow always made me happy, it was always so beautiful to me. I loved just touching it.
Alright, long enough trip down memory lane. Thanks for taking a look back with me. So, now to present day. I am obsessed with taking pictures. I love to take organic photos and capture every little detail. Maybe that is due to my obsessive compulsive disorder that I have had since childhood. I love to capture the ant climbing out of the anthill, the rusted nail in the desert, the puddles reflecting oil slicked rainbows. I especially love to take pictures of flowers and sunsets. I can honestly say that of all the places that I have lived, Arizona sunsets still take my breath away with each and every one.
Recently I have been inspired to write to darn near every nature photograph that I take. It is an amazing feeling as I am looking at the picture of a rose and sit mesmerized by every detail, the color, the shape, I find myself starting to form words in my mind. I quickly reach for pen and paper and start free writing. As I look over what I wrote, I edit the words to form something as organic as the image in the photograph. I also tend to paint canvas the colors that I feel with my prose and poems. This has led me to a very fulfilling feeling and I feel that it has taken my writing to another level and is helping me to expand in so many ways.
Who knows where this path will lead but I am so very glad to have finally listened to the calling and started to take the journey. I thank all of you for taking the journey with me and giving me feedback, both positive and negative. I take it all in and grow from everything that comes my way.
Thank you all again, I truly appreciate all who support me, encourage me and love me!
Peace, Love and Happiness always!