Lately, this has been invading my mind and I see no other way out of it other than to throw it out into the universe. Maybe it is the creative market being invaded by people who have no soul, no passion or love for what they are creating. Maybe it is my impending 30 year class reunion. Or maybe it is people who come out of the woodwork who never gave a fuck about me, trying to give a fuck now. Maybe it is fake ass people flooding social media.
I believe that I may have written about this before but always nice to revisit those issues that still gnaw away at people...it's me, I am people
The popularity syndrome is as old as time ( I believe anyway) and it has never faltered. Each decade, each generation has had their own form of it
It seems more rampant now since technology has brought forth the monster known as social media, the demon that we all love to hate
I have always hated the concept of popularity yet I always wanted to be accepted. I despised the "popular" kids just as they despised me (the misfit)
Now, do not get me wrong I had some great friends and I got along with everyone. I was not confrontational and I was sweet. I was a pushover and tried so hard to be cool but yet, still stay weird. It was a weird internal battle that always raged within me. I was weird and I embraced it, I actually never thought that there was anything wrong with me until I got to middle school. 7th grade changed my mind about people 100%
See, I was a product of a divorced home so I shuttled back and forth between parents. That took on a whole new level of chaos when my Dad moved to Pennsylvania. I had to leave my hometown and my dear friends behind. I was to spend my 7th grade year with him. I go to the Junior High there and they give me an academic test before enrolling me. After my testing they tell me that I am in the top percentile. I am like "uhm okay, can I just get this school thing over with" (Remember, I am now the dreaded new kid)
So in this school they divide kids based on their test scores. We had 7 sections of a seventh grade class, broken down like 7-1, 7-2 and so on. So, 7-1 and 7-2 were the cream of the crop, 7-3 through 7-5 were high to mid range, 7-6 and 7-7 were the "troubled kids" or learning impaired kids.
I was kind of in a shock, where I went to school in California we just went to school man, we all learned and those of us who could not grasp it, got tutoring or one on one time with a teacher or teachers aide. My 12 year old brain was trying to grasp this concept even after school began. I tested above average so I was put in the mid high range. And here was to be my first lessons in popularity.
I was in the "goody two shoes" group (as people so lovingly called us) however, I did not quite fit in. See, I was poor so I was not like "them" and they made sure that I knew it. They did not talk to me as we sat at our segregated lunch tables. We had to sit within our numbered groups. My fellow classmates were not very friendly, with me anyway. They ignored me and looked at me like I had a disease. It was lonely at that table.If we had friends in other groups (which I did), we were not allowed to sit with them.....tell me the logic in that.
Longest story short, this was my first lesson in not belonging or in not being popular enough to be around or even speak to certain people.
Now, I get back into my current popularity theme.
Being a poet, an artist, a musician or a creative leads us into another form of popularity. This is much like High School where you have the beautiful ones, the rich ones, the narcissistic ones, the humble ones, the viruses and the lot. Social media while it may be a necessary evil to some, can also do so much damage. We find ourselves in comparison mode many times "look how many likes they have, look how many followers they have, look at how perfect their lives are....and the list goes on. The bullies have snide remarks or degrading comments for others that they see below their standards. The insecure ones wallow in despair over not being good enough. The secure ones are looked at as trying to be all that....and again, the list goes on.
I have tried to fit in most of my life, tried to be cool, tried to be nice, tried to be mean, tried to be beautiful and popular. All that I ever wanted really was someone, anyone to accept me as I am. Weird, cold, funny, loving, sarcastic, creative, sappy, loud, unrefined and just plain Ti. The girl who just wanted to be something important in this big, wide World. To leave my mark and make an impression on the Universe. We all can say at one point, "if I knew then, what I know now I would have done so much better"
But you know what? I would not change it for the world. I grew up with so many different experiences, but they are my experiences. I was able to experience life on so many levels and it truly made me who I am today. I accept myself! I love myself! I am (dare I say) proud of myself! And I have left my mark on this world by bringing two amazing children into this world who are my best creation by far.
I guess the reason for this long winded( unapologetically long winded )rant is do not pay attention to the popular kids. Be you!
Be magnificently you! Create how you want, create what you want! Stop trying to be something or someone that you are not. Those that matter are paying attention and really, that is the best kind of attention. To hell with the naysayers! To hell with the "cool" kids! To hell with the "in" crowd! To hell with the people who tell you to try something different so you get accepted! Fuck that! Do it your way. In the end you may or may not make it big but you know what? You will make it on your terms, how you are meant to make it. Follow your dreams no matter what they tell you. And never, ever change who you are to conform to someone else's standards of greatness! Fuck that! Fuck them!
Showing posts with label live life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label live life. Show all posts
Thursday, September 26, 2019
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Melancholy Musings Very Personal, Very Brief Year in Review
2018 was a helluva year! I don't do all of the "New Year Resolutions" but I will say that I will strive to grow, better myself, heal myself, love myself, love others, forgive, face fears and live life fully.
In one year I accomplished so much. In one years time I was able to face fears, write, forgive, make amends, move forward, love, practice patience a little more (this one is a challenge sometimes), make friends, walk away from toxic people and continue on a path to clear my spirit.
I produced 5 Zines, I participated (and sold a piece) in an art gallery show, I participated in First Friday events, I participated in Second Friday events, I participated in Art Festivals and a Zine Festival, I got stickers printed of my art and my photography, I produced Photo books and some included my poetry.
I supported my artist friends, I supported my DJ friends, I supported my foodie friends, I supported small business and local business, I supported my creatives out there by shouting their names from the rooftops, sharing their work with others or purchasing something from them.
I could never have accomplished as much as I did without those who have supported me and cheered me on. I am humbled by the people both near and far, close and distant strangers who always have a kind word or who are willing to help me along this journey. I appreciate you all.
I want to shout out to my daughter Briahna who is my biggest supporter, my rock, my side kick, my helper, my confidante, my counselor, my advisor, my daughter....without her I would be pretty lonely. She is a great help and a great spirit and silly as all hell, which makes me laugh even when I want to cry. Thank you Bri <3. I have made some amazing friends along the way and learned to appreciate them much more with each passing moment. I have strengthened bonds with those I hold dear and learned to appreciate what I have and who I have in my life more and more each day. I just want to say that anything is possible as long as you believe that you can do it. Anything is possible with hard work, determination and positive thought. This next year I will work towards what works for me, what feeds my soul. I will write more, no doubt about that. I will capture more beautiful moments. I will surround myself with nature and let that heal me. I will strengthen bonds and love fierce. The biggest goal that I have at this moment is to write a book. I do not know the subject, I do not know the size. That is what I see for this year thus far. Here is to living life, here is to loving life and here is to being true to you. Shout out to all of my friends and family for hanging around for another year and here is to many more! Peace, Love and Happiness....always!!
In one year I accomplished so much. In one years time I was able to face fears, write, forgive, make amends, move forward, love, practice patience a little more (this one is a challenge sometimes), make friends, walk away from toxic people and continue on a path to clear my spirit.
I produced 5 Zines, I participated (and sold a piece) in an art gallery show, I participated in First Friday events, I participated in Second Friday events, I participated in Art Festivals and a Zine Festival, I got stickers printed of my art and my photography, I produced Photo books and some included my poetry.
I supported my artist friends, I supported my DJ friends, I supported my foodie friends, I supported small business and local business, I supported my creatives out there by shouting their names from the rooftops, sharing their work with others or purchasing something from them.
I could never have accomplished as much as I did without those who have supported me and cheered me on. I am humbled by the people both near and far, close and distant strangers who always have a kind word or who are willing to help me along this journey. I appreciate you all.
I want to shout out to my daughter Briahna who is my biggest supporter, my rock, my side kick, my helper, my confidante, my counselor, my advisor, my daughter....without her I would be pretty lonely. She is a great help and a great spirit and silly as all hell, which makes me laugh even when I want to cry. Thank you Bri <3. I have made some amazing friends along the way and learned to appreciate them much more with each passing moment. I have strengthened bonds with those I hold dear and learned to appreciate what I have and who I have in my life more and more each day. I just want to say that anything is possible as long as you believe that you can do it. Anything is possible with hard work, determination and positive thought. This next year I will work towards what works for me, what feeds my soul. I will write more, no doubt about that. I will capture more beautiful moments. I will surround myself with nature and let that heal me. I will strengthen bonds and love fierce. The biggest goal that I have at this moment is to write a book. I do not know the subject, I do not know the size. That is what I see for this year thus far. Here is to living life, here is to loving life and here is to being true to you. Shout out to all of my friends and family for hanging around for another year and here is to many more! Peace, Love and Happiness....always!!
Wednesday, July 4, 2018
Bittersweet Moments in Going Home
Hometown visits are always bittersweet in my eyes. I recently went on a trip with my daughter to my hometown of Vallejo, California and the surrounding Bay Area. This will tell the tale and take you on a journey, I hope you enjoy some of my memories and moments.
I have lived in many places in my life, but I consider Vallejo my home. California born, transplanted to NJ, then Vallejo, then PA, then back to Vallejo, then to Merced, then to Vallejo, back to PA and resting in Vallejo until I was old enough to make another move and adult mistakes. Vallejo, out of everywhere that I have lived remains "home" and I have a love for it like no other place that I have been. It was where I forged friendships that still exist today. It was where I found my rebellious side, where I started drinking and smoking and discovering marijuana. Where I lost my innocence, where violence first scarred me and where I became an adult (way too quickly). I remember walking to school down the railroad tracks, I would not ever recommend that nowadays but back then, it was slightly less sketchy. I remember eating dry ramen noodles with mustard for breakfast while walking to school, being teased by all my classmates running in their packs of cool people. I remember not eating in the lunchroom, walking to The Plunge which was the middle school and high school swimming pool. Walking up to Circle park at the tippy top of Vallejo on Coughlin Hill. I remember playing in marsh fields by the Marina and walking close to the waters edge. I remember the zoo and peacocks at Blue Rock Springs. Tripping with my friends on Gravity Hill on Lake Herman Road and freking ourselves out that this was where the Zodiac Killer had killed. I remember the record shop on Georgia Street and the Empress Theatre. Running along the waterfront and climbing on the ladders and almost touching the dark water. I remember walking Springs Road, drinking with my friends and ducking out to avoid getting busted by cops. I have the best memories and the worst memories in Vallejo but most of them are what have molded me. I left in 1991 eager to grow and stand on my feet further and really grow up.
I had a whirlwind trip planned for 3 full days. I was full of anxiety and excitement the day we landed at the Oakland International Airport. We hit the ground running that first day. We grabbed our rental car and sped off to the Bay. I told Briahna okay, we are going to do this, this,this and this. She was mainly overwhelmed with seeing the ocean on the horizon and with her Mom yelling at her to take this picture and that picture,what a great time. I am sure that her memories of this trip will last within her for a very long time. Our first stop was The Wharf and Pier 39 and Fishermans Grotto. I told her all of the history of San Francisco and of all of my adventures there. When I took her to see the battleship and submarine, I got a pleasant surprise. The Musee Mecanique was there! I had told her all about it but I thought that it was gone. We put quarters in damn near every machine. They are antiques, most of them and there is nothing like seeing the cherry wood, the maple and the beveled glass. She got to see the Sea Lions and eat crab chowder. We hiked the Sutro Bath ruins. And we spent hours at Lands End on Ocean Beach. Bri built a sand castle and we both collected sand and shells and driftwood. After that we drove through Golden Gate Park and drove over the Golden Gate Bridge. We got turned around quite a bit in the streets of San Francisco thanks to Google maps.
Later after we were over exploring, we headed to where we were to be staying the night. We stayed with family and got to enjoy precious moments with the whole family. It was a perfect visit and such a warm and loving house. The next day we hit my hometown and Benicia. Benicia is a beautiful town surrounded by the water. Protected waterways for wildlife and sunken barges. It is chock full of fond memories for me. We walked the pier and the waterfront and we went to see the house that she used to live in when she was 2.
What wonderful times. Off to Vallejo we go. Seeing the city as we rolled through brought back a flood of emotions and memories. Briahna enjoyed all the stories and seeing the crazy streets. I took her to see the old Victorian haunted house that I lived in and most of my old houses. I showed her my schools. We topped it off with meeting my dearest friend and his wife who I have been long time friends with as well. We ate seafood, laughed, cried and reminisced. We spent hours chatting when finally it was time to go on more adventures. We spent more time exploring Vallejo and then headed back to the family.
Our third full day was to be spent with my dear friend Tonni and her family. It has been years since I saw her. And I could not wait to catch up, my daughter and her daughter were going to meet for the first time. It was a great day. I got to see the whole family and we laughed and reminisced. Amazing day for sure. We ended up staying the night and I was sad that our trip was coming to an end. I embraced my friend and told her next time it cannot be years and she should come visit me. As we left her neighborhood I was sad but so happy and grateful. I am grateful that most of my friendships have lasted as long as they have. I am grateful that Tonni and I can pick up right where we left off. I am grateful that Mike and Jennifer are still such a huge part of my life. These are friends that I rarely talk to but the connection is strong.
I did not get to see everyone that I wanted to but there simply was not enough time to see everyone or everything. That is where Briahna and I made the decision to go back next year and stay longer this time. Goals!
As I was driving to the airport, the fog began to roll in through the hills. Briahna got to experience so much on this trip. Really, it felt like a dream. And I was so full of joy. We got to Oakland Airport and we were able to catch the sunrise. I bid goodbye to my valley, my bay and my home. It seems as if this was a trip that changed my mind about things and opened my heart more. I will cherish this trip and the experience with my daughter.r
I simply state here that sometimes, it is good to go home. It is good to remember where you began, where your hopes and dreams were formed. It is a reminder to yourself of how far that you have come.
Thank you all for going on this trip with me and reading into my whirlwind of words. With this I leave you with Peace, Love and Happiness always!
I have lived in many places in my life, but I consider Vallejo my home. California born, transplanted to NJ, then Vallejo, then PA, then back to Vallejo, then to Merced, then to Vallejo, back to PA and resting in Vallejo until I was old enough to make another move and adult mistakes. Vallejo, out of everywhere that I have lived remains "home" and I have a love for it like no other place that I have been. It was where I forged friendships that still exist today. It was where I found my rebellious side, where I started drinking and smoking and discovering marijuana. Where I lost my innocence, where violence first scarred me and where I became an adult (way too quickly). I remember walking to school down the railroad tracks, I would not ever recommend that nowadays but back then, it was slightly less sketchy. I remember eating dry ramen noodles with mustard for breakfast while walking to school, being teased by all my classmates running in their packs of cool people. I remember not eating in the lunchroom, walking to The Plunge which was the middle school and high school swimming pool. Walking up to Circle park at the tippy top of Vallejo on Coughlin Hill. I remember playing in marsh fields by the Marina and walking close to the waters edge. I remember the zoo and peacocks at Blue Rock Springs. Tripping with my friends on Gravity Hill on Lake Herman Road and freking ourselves out that this was where the Zodiac Killer had killed. I remember the record shop on Georgia Street and the Empress Theatre. Running along the waterfront and climbing on the ladders and almost touching the dark water. I remember walking Springs Road, drinking with my friends and ducking out to avoid getting busted by cops. I have the best memories and the worst memories in Vallejo but most of them are what have molded me. I left in 1991 eager to grow and stand on my feet further and really grow up.
I had a whirlwind trip planned for 3 full days. I was full of anxiety and excitement the day we landed at the Oakland International Airport. We hit the ground running that first day. We grabbed our rental car and sped off to the Bay. I told Briahna okay, we are going to do this, this,this and this. She was mainly overwhelmed with seeing the ocean on the horizon and with her Mom yelling at her to take this picture and that picture,what a great time. I am sure that her memories of this trip will last within her for a very long time. Our first stop was The Wharf and Pier 39 and Fishermans Grotto. I told her all of the history of San Francisco and of all of my adventures there. When I took her to see the battleship and submarine, I got a pleasant surprise. The Musee Mecanique was there! I had told her all about it but I thought that it was gone. We put quarters in damn near every machine. They are antiques, most of them and there is nothing like seeing the cherry wood, the maple and the beveled glass. She got to see the Sea Lions and eat crab chowder. We hiked the Sutro Bath ruins. And we spent hours at Lands End on Ocean Beach. Bri built a sand castle and we both collected sand and shells and driftwood. After that we drove through Golden Gate Park and drove over the Golden Gate Bridge. We got turned around quite a bit in the streets of San Francisco thanks to Google maps.
Later after we were over exploring, we headed to where we were to be staying the night. We stayed with family and got to enjoy precious moments with the whole family. It was a perfect visit and such a warm and loving house. The next day we hit my hometown and Benicia. Benicia is a beautiful town surrounded by the water. Protected waterways for wildlife and sunken barges. It is chock full of fond memories for me. We walked the pier and the waterfront and we went to see the house that she used to live in when she was 2.
What wonderful times. Off to Vallejo we go. Seeing the city as we rolled through brought back a flood of emotions and memories. Briahna enjoyed all the stories and seeing the crazy streets. I took her to see the old Victorian haunted house that I lived in and most of my old houses. I showed her my schools. We topped it off with meeting my dearest friend and his wife who I have been long time friends with as well. We ate seafood, laughed, cried and reminisced. We spent hours chatting when finally it was time to go on more adventures. We spent more time exploring Vallejo and then headed back to the family.
Our third full day was to be spent with my dear friend Tonni and her family. It has been years since I saw her. And I could not wait to catch up, my daughter and her daughter were going to meet for the first time. It was a great day. I got to see the whole family and we laughed and reminisced. Amazing day for sure. We ended up staying the night and I was sad that our trip was coming to an end. I embraced my friend and told her next time it cannot be years and she should come visit me. As we left her neighborhood I was sad but so happy and grateful. I am grateful that most of my friendships have lasted as long as they have. I am grateful that Tonni and I can pick up right where we left off. I am grateful that Mike and Jennifer are still such a huge part of my life. These are friends that I rarely talk to but the connection is strong.
I did not get to see everyone that I wanted to but there simply was not enough time to see everyone or everything. That is where Briahna and I made the decision to go back next year and stay longer this time. Goals!
As I was driving to the airport, the fog began to roll in through the hills. Briahna got to experience so much on this trip. Really, it felt like a dream. And I was so full of joy. We got to Oakland Airport and we were able to catch the sunrise. I bid goodbye to my valley, my bay and my home. It seems as if this was a trip that changed my mind about things and opened my heart more. I will cherish this trip and the experience with my daughter.r
I simply state here that sometimes, it is good to go home. It is good to remember where you began, where your hopes and dreams were formed. It is a reminder to yourself of how far that you have come.
Thank you all for going on this trip with me and reading into my whirlwind of words. With this I leave you with Peace, Love and Happiness always!
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