Learning to Let Go and Move On

Having had to " let go" of many a people, situations and feelings this is a difficult task sometimes and it takes a lot of self reflection most times to do so.
The act of letting go is not always a challenge. Sometimes, we are very sure that a situation or person is toxic enough to walk away from. Other times, especially when it is someone that we care about, it is hard to do. We spin the scenarios around in our head. We second guess the situations that led us up to that moment, hoping that we missed something. Clinging to the belief in people. That there is good somewhere, there has to be right?
That is called being human. We form emotional bonds with people on so many levels. The emotional bonds embed themselves into our psyche, leaving us vulnerable. And again, not all of this is a bad thing. I am simply going to focus on the ones that we need to let go of.
I have had much experience in letting go. Unfortunately for me, I usually wait until the "last straw" has been broken, time and time again. I never did learn the lessons that were being shown to me.
One of my most difficult moments of letting go was with my father. I have spoken about him on here before. I did not learn right away how toxic that he was until high school when I asked him to help me as my mother went into rehab (and would be there quite awhile) and he said that he had nowhere for me to stay, while he had a big house and plenty of room. Time and time again these same types of scenarios would play out and I would always let him back into my life, only to be kicked right back down to the ground. We would become close and then I would do something that he did not see was up to his standards and he would walk away. It was always him walking away while leaving me confused, emotional, with a face full of tears. I never could please him. Little did I know that it was he who could not please himself. I drew the line with him finally after multiple attempts on his part to be a part of my children's lives. He would pop in, be "Pappy Frank" and full of love on paper (never in person) and then just disappear. After my daughter hit 13 he called me and told me about how he could never forgive me for some imagined wrong that I had done and that he would call me someday when he saw fit but to never call him. Instead of leaving me with tears, he left me cold. I stood at that moment looking at the face of the Superstition Mountains, looked down at the phone and decided that he would never do that to me again. That was indeed the last time that I spoke to my father until years later when he was near death. I wondered where he was, how we was doing but never to the point of tracking him down or making that call. Was it difficult? Hell yes. Was it worth it? Hell yes. I learned with just that one lesson that I could remove toxicity from my life. Of course, I was at the time living within the biggest toxic relationship of my life.
And here we go onto another huge lesson in letting go and moving on. As I have most recently written on here about my previous relationships, I included the last one which spanned 21 years. This goes into what I said in the beginning as hoping that there is good in someone so that you do not have to make the painful choice to walk away. But in this case, it was detrimental that I walk away. More like, run away. I will not go into detail as I did just speak on this subject about him. And I really did let it go and walk away. It took a long time and having left him twice it did finally happen. What I learned from the experience with him was that I do not need to be with someone for the sake of being with someone. I do not need to be with someone if it hurts. I deserve better than pain with a sprinkle of happiness. And I learned that I never have to look for good within someone when they hide it. Life is not a scavenger hunt for love and affection. If you cannot find it, you better love yourself because you are the only one who is true to YOU. After finally walking away, letting go and shedding the stigma of pain I learned something. I am still here, I still know how to love and I am worthy of living. And you can still live a full life when you get rid of the negative hold that some people hold over you.
Next steps in walking away involve other family members and a few friends thrown in for good measure. There have been moments in my life where I made friends with some of the best people I thought I knew. Problem was, they were fake and full of underlying negativity. I had one in particular that was so involved in my life he was always around me. I trusted him with everything including my children, and that was the worst mistake that I have ever made. And believe me, I have made my fair share of mistakes. Turns out that during a time when I needed him the most, he was doing the horrible things to my children. Well, my daughter was the one who suffered his wrath. He was a very bitter and angry person and therefore took all of his frustrations out on my daughter. My son was not treated horribly but my daughter was traumatized. This so called friend was taking things out on her for his shortcomings in life and the fact that his mother was just as horrible as he was. I ended up breaking ties with him for other reasons. I unfortunately did not find out about that incident until after I moved halfway across the country. But when I did, I had to be there for my daughter and work through the emotions and feelings with her. I never did confront him or his mother. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to turn my back, work through the emotions and let go. In doing so I was able to move on.
In regards to family members, I have let go and moved on from them as well. I have decided that not mentioning situations is also a form of letting go, is it not?
I decided to share this part of my journey so that others may see a similarity in their lives and realize that if they walked away then they are ahead of the game and doing just fine. It takes a bigger person to walk away, cut ties and forgive people. But it really is for the best and forgiveness is key to a clear soul and pure heart.
Thank you for taking a walk on this path with me. As always, love often and live without fear. We are all human and will make mistakes but we survive always.
Peace, Love and Happiness Always!

What Death Has Taught Me About Forgiveness

This may have a somber feel but it really has a positive light. What death has taught me about forgiveness was a priceless life lesson for me. Today marks the anniversary of my fathers' death. I am going to celebrate his memory by writing this post. Last year I celebrated his memory by having my very talented friend Chris draw a caricature of my father. And my amazing friend Zack printed the images onto a shirt for me.
First of all let me say that my father was not a great man. He had a mental illness and he did not want to take care of it properly. He always thought that he was too strong for all of that nonsense, as he called it. He also had an addiction problem which just added to the already complicated mind. I never knew if he would be angry or sad or thoughtful or happy. As a child I idolized him. I wanted to be strong like him and I also wanted his ultimate approval. I would do everything that he said so that I could make him proud. I looked past the fact that he was loud, angry, mean and daunting. He was abusive verbally and physically but no matter what I wanted to be near him all the time.
For all of the wrongs, there were so many rights. He was intelligent and taught me so much. He was a survivor and he showed me skills to survive. He was always reading and showed me "grown up" books to read at a very young age, thus fueling my desire to devour anything that had words on it. I would read cereal boxes, medicine bottles, dictionaries, Playboy magazines....anything I could get my hands on. I would ask him questions, I would talk non stop and he would tell me to be quiet and think a little bit. I still remember pushing his buttons and he would get up and tell me to stay. I was very precocious and this made him happy. He would challenge me all the time to be better and do more. He was larger than life and had a laugh that was as big as he was! He had a great toothless smile and a crooked nose from too many times broken. I adored my father and looked up to him. Even when he punished me, I forgave him and moved on.
When I got older I started to see how he really was and my innocent, naive mind began to process the things that were not positive. He hurt me more times than I can say. He destroyed my confidences, he belittled me and crushed my heart. And in the next breath he would try to lift my spirits. I began to distance myself when I realized the toxicity of the relationship with him. When I became a mother for the first time I really saw what he was. He also disowned me due to me becoming pregnant to a man of another race. This crushed me as I was trying to mend our shaky relationship and it went against everything that he and my mother taught me about diversity. It was a horrible truth that came to light but I moved on. Again, years went by without speaking and I became a mother again. This time, we were able to mend things. For a temporary time anyway. Long story short, our relationship was off and on my whole life. He never did approve of me or the way I lived my life. He said horrible things about me and completely turned his back on me in moments when I needed a father the most. He stole from, he lied to me, he hurt the people that I love and did more harm to himself than anything else. When I decided to finally turn my back to him for the last time, I was in my 30's. The last time he called me he said I do not know if I can talk to you anymore. Do not call me, I will call you.
Years go by and I never hear from him. Not knowing where he is or how he is. Through my brother I at least knew he was alive. And ironically that is how I found out that he was dying. When my brother told me that my father was dying I was numb. Not really having a feeling at first. I finally did call him. He actually picked up the phone and talked to me. We talked off and on for the few weeks leading up to his death. Very briefly but we did talk. He said that he made mistakes as a father. He said that he regretted not knowing his grandchildren. Which is funny as my son is the spitting image of my father, pretty ironic. He said that he regretted turning his back on me. And the craziest twist was that he forgave me! And he also made sure to tell me that he makes no excuses for his behavior and that he lived his life on his terms no matter what. This is a typical Frank move. Believe me, I have heard that one before. I spoke to him a day before he died. He told me that he was proud of me as a mother and as an adult. He said he was sorry and he hoped that I could forgive him. I forgave him and it was not a forced forgiveness, it was genuine. I felt a warmth go through me and a force cleared my heart up and brightened my thoughts of him. I do not know what it was that came over me. But it still resonates within me.
So, what does this experience mean? What does it say about me? The experience was a change for me. I grew up and grew out of a particular mindset that I had held onto for so long. It says that I have grown, it says that I am stronger and it makes me a better person for forgiving him. Again, I make no excuses for all the bad that he had. I make no excuses for his behavior and the hurts that he caused. This taught me a lesson in forgiveness and it made me a better person. My heart is full and I have no regrets in regards to him or his memory. What I can do now is only focus on all of the positive moments of my life with him. I do not focus any energy on the negative. This in turn helped me to forgive the most negative force that occurred in my life. I save that story for another time.
I can remember going along with him on his trips when he drove truck. I can remember deep sea fishing with him. I can remember cross country driving adventures and seeing national parks. I can remember him going on class trips with me. I can remember his writing, which I have developed a talent for and I love sharing that bond.
Forgiveness makes you whole. It makes you grow. It brings positive into your life in so many ways. I love you Dad no matter where you may be and I send you hugs and loving light always. I love you Frank.
Love, TiBoom