A Path To Healing

I will start by saying that healing is a long, arduos journey. Healing from abuse can sometimes take a life time and many do not understand why it takes so long. If a person has never been abused, they will have a hard time comprehending it. They will judge you, ridicule you, berate you or just remain silent. They cannot understand how on Earth you allowed it to happen, this of course just adds to your suffering. The definition of abuse is the same whether used as a noun or a verb; it is to misuse, cruel or violent treatment of a human or animal. It creates a deeply distressing frame of mind for the abused victim.
Usually those that are victims of abuse have had a pattern set out at an early age. This is not a reason to be abused, but makes them an easy target to be abused. An example of this is: a lonely, withdrawn child who keeps to themselves and does not step out of their shell will usually more times than not become an easy target for bullies.
I will write about my own path to healing. Never a happy subject however, I feel it is the next step in finally shedding the stigma of a victim. I have worked very hard to overcome the trauma. I still struggle with things on a daily basis (meaning behaviors, triggers and the like) but the difference in my life now is that I can recognize when I am in that mindset and work to center myself and find my peace. Or those that love me will kindly let me know when I am actively reacting like a victim. I am thankful for all that are in my life that love me enough to be honest with me and tell me when I am behaving that way. I may not always like to hear it, but I listen. I check my ego and look within to pinpoint what it is that I am reacting to that brings that behavior out. Healing is a daily process and I believe, at least for me that it will be a lifetime journey but I can live a wonderfully, happy life without being miserable.
Early memories of abuse begin at home which statistically is the norm. Terrible, as home should be nurturing. Never damaging.
I was shy, unsure and eager to please. I wanted the approval of others always. Especially my father and my sister. My father was a HUGE influence in my life from a very young age and I always tried to be "good" so that he would like me. My sister and brother would get hit for whatever reason that my father saw that they were doing wrong. I watched and learned and made sure that I stayed away from the physical side of the abuse. I could not stop the mental abuse from happening though. It began at an early age. My father would ridicule me for not doing something correct, for being slow, for being too shy and many more things. He had a mental illness so this was why it was difficult for me to grasp, one day he loved me and I was the golden child and 10 minutes later, I was the worst form of a child. I never knew how to make him happy but I kept trying. My brother was not in my life long enough to be anything but cool to me. I looked up to him, I was devastated when he left to go back to living with his Mom. My sister was a typical big sister. I wanted to be like her, I wanted to be pretty and popular and talented just like her. I drove her nuts trying to always be around her but she would yell at me to leave her alone. She did not want to hang with a baby. Other times she would chase me, throw me down. That is normal sibling behavior but the degradation was not. She put me down all the time. I learned with her at least to ignore her, it was easier to do that with her. My mom was not abusive until my teenage years which was fueled by her alcoholism. She was my rock from an early age. In my younger years she had her way of letting me know that I disappointed her, my weight was always an issue. Other members of my family would let me know that I would be pretty like my sister if I just lost weight. That damn weight stigma stayed, and still remains to this day. People do not understand what happens with body degradation. They think that they are being nice or helpful or loving but not realizing that from a young age they are putting a tumor into someones mind that they do not look good enough to be accepted. And that they cannot be themselves, they have to conform to societal standards. This is a horrible form of abuse because it just spirals out of control. This leads to a different type of abuse and that is the abuse of self. Sometimes, you can not break free of it and it eats away at you your whole life, affecting all of your relationships, including friends, lovers, peers, educators and partners.
Throughout my young, impressionable years I formed friendships with stronger personalities than mine. I tend to still do this to a degree today, however, through healing I am discovering how wonderful I am and that I do deserve to be seen, heard and loved. This was a defense mechanism that I did as a way to hide. With them being so outgoing, I could stay in the shadows where I thought I belonged. If no one saw me, I would not stand out or worse, I would not be the butt of the jokes or pranks or bullying. I despise bullies. I despise the concept of someone feeling that they are better than someone else whom they deem weak or undeserving of a place in this world. I hated April Fools Day, I was the target of every practical joke throughout most of my grade school and middle school years. I was teased, given dog food, had my bra soaked from toilet water in gym class, I had mats pulled out from under me in gymnastics, chairs pulled out, boys pretending to like me, girls pretending to be friends, being the target of every dodge ball game, being picked last, my pants pulled down, you name it. But damn if they did not want answers in class from me at test time or homework time. I swear I felt like I was living every John Hughes movie ever made but without the comedy or happy ending. I never told my parents, ever. Especially my father. He would have been more disappointed in me than when I brought home a C. The cruelty of children is horrible and when there are large numbers banded together, there seems to be no escaping them. For anyone who has ever bullied someone, I hope that you learned from it and grew up. If you never learned and you still are, then Karma is taking notes. So sad, that most bullies grow up to be even bigger bullies. This leads to into my next part of this story.
When I finally began dating boys, I moved quickly. After living with my father until the 9th grade, I was forbidden from dating. I ended up moving to my mothers house and there I stayed through graduating high school. I was a little boy crazy as they were finally starting to notice me. I of course chose all of the wrong kinds. Most were bullies, abusers, users or just sex crazed. I ended up getting a "serious" boyfriend, he was everything to me. Well, I refused to have sex. I was not ready for all that. He used to put me down and try to belittle me to make me do it. I stayed strong. Well, one night he ended up coming into my room, we usually did this every night so nothing was out of the ordinary there. My mom never knew as she was usually pretty out of it by then. This night, he would not take no for an answer. Tore my clothes, held me down and raped me. Then he got up and left without a word. I was in shock and mortified and embarrassed. Next day, he told the whole damn school! I told my best friend that I did "it" and I lied. I told her that I liked it! This is where the lying to myself and others started. I became a great actress. To make this situation worse, I went to a close friend of the both of us to hang out after school. I walked in and guess who was sleeping together? It was a triple whammy. And a part of me fell apart.
Next run of boyfriends were no better than him minus rape. They were just bullies who told me to be this, be that, change this, change that. I ended up meeting my best friends step brother and he was like a breath of fresh air. Oh my God was he nice. We were together for 2 years and he made me feel beautiful, loved and worth something. My mother was getting worse with the alcoholism and he was my escape. I actually was beginning to like myself and bullies were finally a memory from the past. We experienced most of our firsts together in a completely loving relationship. I felt for sure that I was going to be with him forever. Well, of course some good things have to come to an end. He ended the relationship with me and I was devastated but then began to think that it was me and that I really was a piece of crap. Self hatred is a horrible monster that would continually pop up in my life. By this time my mom went to rehab and I found myself essentially homeless. I lived with our family friend for a time but her husband kicked me out. And then luckily my friends mother found out my life and took me in. Who knows where I would have ended up without her. My mom got out of rehab and we began to work on repairing our relationship. All the while I ended up with another mentally abusive guy and a few flings. At this point I was done. I decided to move to Pennsylvania to live with my Dad. Yes. even though he never opened his house up to me when I became homeless, I thought he was all better by then. Was I wrong! I was under strict rules with him and I was 18 with a job. I mean I got a job 2 weeks after moving there! So, really he just got worse with me. I turned into the 13 year old Tianne who was meek and shy and unsure of herself. He screwed with my mind terribly. I ended up meeting a guy in the inner city. Well, there were a few factors involved with this meeting. He was nothing that I should have gone near. Street guy, addict, alcoholic, abuser, mentally unstable and just got out of a rehab and burn unit for attempting suicide! Where are you in your own mind when you think this is normal? I left my Dads into the arms of a much larger enemy and never looked back.
I guess all of the abuse that I endured as a youngster and teenager was prepping me for the abuse that was to come. You find out your strength and will to survive after awhile. Some do not get out, some do not know their strength and in many cases some do not survive. I thank God that I made it out alive. I am so grateful to all who helped me realize my worth so that I could get out of the situation and grow. It was a struggle and I did not leave for 20 years!
During the courtship he was charming and sweet and unstable. I thought that I could fix him since he was a victim too right? He wanted to have a kid right away! I was not ready to be a Mom but he kept telling me that we were together till death do us part (we were not married, never did get married)so we had to have a kid, he wanted a family. I began to believe that he was the best man that I could get so I should do what he says. The mental abuse and bullying began around the same time that I got pregnant.We were too young and not mentally able to become parents. My pregnancy was stressed. Things were violent daily and the only reason that he did not beat me was the baby that I was carrying. He verbally and mentally abused me and made sure that I was docile enough to do as I was told and realize that I was his property to do what he wanted with me. He frequently would rape me since that was the only abuse that he could inflict on me that would not leave marks. Surprisingly, I did deliver my baby. She had a lot of complications and was born purple. Trauma after trauma after trauma. He even blamed me for her issues saying that I was a bad mother while pregnant. And I actually believed him!
I ended up leaving for a short time and went back to California so that he could make things "right". But, I went back and knew that we were to be together forever. Now, the downward spiral began.
We decided after a few years to have another child. This pregnancy brought more stress. He learned ways to hurt me without hitting me. Shoving, wrestling moves, grabbing my face and neck, pulling my hair, torture and the verbal abuse became a regular thing so much like it was welcome to me. At this point I learned of how far his addiction had grown. It was so out of control. He continued with rape as it was his way of showing love to a cold-hearted woman as he called me. I had my son, who was luckily very healthy and seemed to change things for a bit. I did leave him again for almost a year. I actually got bold and put a protection from abuse order on him. He violated it and went to jail for a bit. I was terrified of what he would do to me when he got out. Statistics again state that domestic violence ends in death very often. I took him back after he got clean and sober. I thought he was all better and thought that maybe I could be a better woman and do what he wanted. We moved to another state, I thought that the change would be better. I was wrong, he drank more than ever. Over the years the verbal and mental abuse moved to include my children. I shielded them from as much as I could. I did their chores so they would not get in trouble for doing them wrong. I did their homework so it was done by the time he got home. I did everything that I was supposed to do.
My life began to go on a different path, I was slowly beginning to find myself. I started to grow. I got my drivers license. I went back to school and got a career. I lost 80 pounds and started to think for myself.
Due to my growth things began to unravel and spiral so far out of control. After a particularly rough time he decided to move back to his home state. All of this with promises of change and providing for us. After he left he kept his finger on me at all times. I was under a huge cloud of doubt and fear. I was realizing that I needed to end things with him but I was too scared of the outcome so I stayed "with" him. I was such a great actress. To everyone I was still looking to the future with this guy. And he had no idea that I was thinking of leaving the relationship.
He came back into our lives for a brief time around the time of my daughters graduation. He was still an addict, an alcoholic and abusive. One night, it escalated in front of the kids and I was done! I waited for him to pass out and we fled in the middle of the night. I hid out, delivered a protection order and had a cop friend let him know that he needed to leave. That was it, I was finally asserting myself. But damn if that fear was stronger than ever.
He left the state with promises of change and grandeur. I began to loosen the chains that bound me. It took me another 7 months to end it, but I finally did it! Through all of this I had many ups and downs and second thoughts because it is so ingrained in you that no one out there will love you like they do. There is so much mind control that it seems there is no way out. I got stronger, I learned to survive. I had a lot of help from great people in my life who encouraged me all the way and helped me when I was at my lowest points. The kids and I struggled, but we made it. He still tried to abuse me through phone calls, letters, reaching out to people who he thought would change my mind and even degrading me on social media but I stayed strong.
I have no way of shortening this story because I think that it is important to put in all aspects from the beginning to the current situations in life. We need to share our stories so that people understand where it begins, how it begins and how it embeds itself so deeply some of us do not make it out. I NEVER thought that I would make it out. Do I regret it or any decisions that I made? No, I have NO REGRETS! Do I wish that I would have made better choices? Hell yes! But, out of this I have 2 amazing children. They loved me unconditionally when no one else would, including myself. They are the reason I am here. I was made to be a Mom and they are my life above anything else.
My children suffered abuses that I did not see. I am only finding out about them now that they are older and learned to share. I encourage them to accept what happened, talk about it, learn from it, never make those choices and grow, grow, grow! We are open and honest with each other and this is the bond that I share with them. They make me proud to be their Mother. They could have gone down a darker path but they both are doing pretty darn good. I also have met a kind man that I share my life with and he encourages me every step of the way on my path of enlightenment. It has not been easy for him to handle my behaviors that are so embedded within me. But again, he is one of those great people in my life who will kindly remind me that I am subservient to no one. I am thankful for him everyday.
I just wanted to share this story so that it may help someone else to realize that they can make it. I also want to be able to finally put this damn story to rest. This chapter is closing and I am grateful for being able to tell it. I am grateful to have had a great support system through the ending of that chapter. I never had support during the relationship as I told NO ONE, I was a great actress, remember? I only told people after I was finally done. I had no choice I ran.
All that I can say is please tell someone. Please let someone know that you are being abused. Some one will help you. You DO NOT deserve it! You are worthy and deserve to be loved. It starts as a child, if you are abused please reach out to some one. If you know of a child who is being abused please help them. If you are a teenager and someone hurts you please tell some one. Please TELL! Death is permanent and most times domestic violence does lead to this. It is not okay to be hurt and if you do not tell, someone else will become the victim. They do not just wake up one day and stop hurting people. And it will not get better if you ignore it. Statistically I know that most times people will say that a victim asked for it due to situations, the way they dress, the way they act, that is ALL bullshit. Victims do not ASK to be hurt. Please stop the cycle, so not let it happen to others. I should have told on my first abuser. I did not, who knows if he did it again? I should have stopped my ex, who knows who else he may have done this to. Do not stay quiet,that is the worst pain. It will consume you. Guilt is a horrible demon that lives within your mind consuming you and injuring more than a fist ever could. Speak Up, Speak Out, Survive, Thrive and Live!
I leave you all with a thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. To those of you who are in my life, thank you. You make my life rich and you make me feel worthy and loved and safe.
Peace, Love and Light Always!

My Very Own First Friday!

The Melancholy Musings of a Misfit Girl has evolved into Love Is a Sometimes Distorted Journey into a gal realizing a dream of sharing her words with the outside world.
As you know from my previous blog regarding producing my very first Zine, I have now produced another one titled "Love is a Sometimes Distorted Journey". This one is more special to me as I did write most of them fresh, some were older ones that I revamped. I am extremely proud of this one.
As I went to Wasted Ink to drop it off, I finally got to meet Charissa Lucille the amazing owner of the Distro! I happened to go on First Friday which was her first one setting up in The Hive (the little art collective where the Distro is housed). I was so impressed by the turnout, the vibe, the people and the energy that I right away had to ask how I could be a part of it. Well, it just so happens that it was a fluid movement, very much like getting my Zine in there.
I was walking on air! I stopped by to see my friends over at SNOH and shared my excitement with them. It is really a blessing to have people who believe in what you are doing and stand behind you in your adventures.
I went home and immediately began throwing my efforts into painting my canvases and adding poems onto them. I forgot how much I really enjoyed doing that. So, I got myself prepared for the upcoming First Friday event. There were so many other amazing shows going on that Friday, the energy surrounding the days leading up the it were off the charts. My friend Monique was setting up her AzNm Connection show at two venues that brought together so many amazing artists and SNOH had a great line up of artists and vendors as well. Sure to be a First Friday to remember. Also my friends Alto and Haps were putting on their radio show called Contents Under Pressure (good old KDIF 102.9 FM...in case you have not checked out their line up of shows, you should)featuring my good friends from Crates Records and Gear as the guests.
I had my daughter aka my side kick Briahna along with me for the excitement at The Hive. When we went in, first let me tell you that I was so nervous that I tried to open a door that was closed off for a reason, almost knocking it down....oh my how funny for my grand entrance so to speak. I go in and Charissa directs me to an amazing little spot and we get to work. Now, luckily with doing shows alongside my other artist friends and setting up at toy conventions, I felt at home once I put the table up. The whole experience was a beautiful surreal moment. I swear, a smile never left my face all night.
My vision of how the table would look was realized and we were ready to go! As people began to flow in, they would stop and chat about my Zines but they were really interested in the canvas that I hand paint the poems onto. I had so much fun talking to people about my work and it felt amazing! I really enjoyed sharing the moment with my daughter as well.
My friends and my boyfriend all showed up to support me and laugh with me and basically just brighten my whole night. It truly was an amazing experience and it felt so well deserved. I actually took pride in doing it as I did it on my own as far as bringing it all to fruition and to think it all started with an idea and a chance encounter with an amazing little Zine Distro. I am forever grateful and humbled to have experienced this. I am so grateful to those who showed up and to my friends who came by to show love and to those who were with me in spirit as well. You have made this lady very happy and I am forever grateful for all of you. Briahna, Jason, Locke, James, Serg, Todd, Raymond, Darrell D, Angel and Angelica mi femina. I LOVE you all! And appreciate you in more ways than you know. Thank you to Charissa, Wasted Ink, The Hive, The Bees Knees and the whole amazing collective over there, thanks to you for allowing us this amazing space to set up away from downtown craziness. And thank you again Charissa for allowing me to be a part of something to special and meaningful. You really have no idea how much I appreciate this opportunity and look forward to next month :)
The best part of doing the show was actually doing it because it was something I wanted to do and knew that I could do it. Fear is a thing of the past...let us all face our fears and plow on through this life living it the way that we want! Stay positive, Stay focused, Stay real, Stay humble and always face the world head on!