A Decade Has Passed

Story time with Ti Been awhile, I know, but now is a good time to share as the words have been swirling for some time and that means I need to let them loose. Coming out of something that I had only begun to admit to myself let alone anyone else. You see, abuse was normal my whole life, I never saw it as anything different and surely thought I somehow deserved it. When I finally put on a brave face and walked away from that abuse, I was scared and uncertain and not sure that I should. I felt like I should stay there, at least it was familiar. But, I knew that it was my only chance to end it or the next thing ending would be my life. So, I walked away. I then was alone ( as best as I could be. I was still being harassed and stalked from afar) But I was relatively free, not from my own thoughts but free nonetheless. For quite awile it seemed as if I was spiraling out of control. Living life by the seat of my pants so to speak and pretty much just existing. Something was missing, something was "off". I did not realize that it was I who was "off". I started writing furiously, words flooding from my mind like water over a spillway. I could not shut them off. Then, I began to paint. The paintings turned into writing boards that the emotionally charged words would find their way onto canvas and paper boards. The writings back then were so much darker than today. The words were poison draining out of wounds inflicted over a lifetime. And so this is how the changes began. This is how one person in particular struck a nerve so deep that I was suddenly shaken to my core. 10 years ago, I did not see an escape. 10 years ago, I saw no hope. 10 years ago, I saw no future. You see, I was a different girl for sure. I had a different mindset for sure. I was clinging to existence yet keeping an ever brave face. If you know me, yeah that is normal. I was a ball of internal chaos with a life to match. In debt up to my ears, taking on a car loan was the LAST thing that I needed at the time. It seemed logical at the time but really, honestly, my intentions were not my own. I had found myself living for others as I almost always have. Never was one to live for myself. I never found myself important enough for that. I always thought that pleasing others would bring me joy, still getting smacked in the face with that reality, believe me. It brings no joy to me and the people I wish to keep happy usually end up taking advantage, betraying me or ignoring me. Never one to give up, I still pursued these twisted thoughts. I think back to those days fondly, even though I know it was a ball of confusion for everyone involved in my life. Especially my children. They had to handle more than they ever should have, they saw more than any child should ever see, they watched their mother fall apart and could not help me, which no child should ever see. I was growing though. I was learning that I had a voice. I was learning to trust myself a little more. Many, many mistakes were made 10 years ago. I have made amends to those necessary. I have made amends to myself, forgiving myself in that process. Forgiving oneself is one of the most difficult things to do. Learning to love yourself and find yourself worthy of love is a completely different struggle and one that I still struggle with to this day, but I have gotten better. I have learned to be a little nicer to myself these days. So this little, simple minded woman was learning that there much larger things out in this wolrd that would crush you silently. Venomous smiles, cruel intentions and people who target the weak willed. I was fortunate to have met an amazing person. In turn, meeting some more amazing people. And try as I might, I could not drive them away. I tried so hard to make myself invisible so that they would leave. I tried to tell myself that I was not worthy of decent people in my life. I thank every single one of you who have touched my life. I thank every single one of you who loved me when I could not love myself. Most importantly, I thank every single one of you who have helped me either by "helping" or by turning your back on me so that I could "learn", you helped me the most. You taught me more than you know. While chaos was swirling around me, I found peace in this person. While chaos was trying to cripple me, I found solace in new friends. While chaos was ripping my family to pieces, I knew the pieces would land as they were meant to. I had to learn to be quiet, I had to learn to accept, I had to learn to trust. I was still alive. I was still standing. I was still trying. I am looking fondly on how far I have come in a decade. How much I have grown, evolved and changed. I am very happy with the changes. I am happy with the good, the bad and the indifferent that have come throught these years. Still no regrets, only wishes for having used my brain a little better, shielded my soul and protected my heart a little better. I learned in a decade: to budget, to be financially aware, to make better decisions, to stand my ground, to use my voice, to create and share, to speak up, to laugh more, to love harder, to smile more, to be silly, to be lenient, to be happy and know that I deserve it. I have learned survival, I have also learned self reliance. Most importantly, I thank my children for saving me from myself, for forgiving me, for keeping me young, for keeping me grounded and for being in my life, I love you both more than you may ever know. You have both shown me a World I never knew existed and a love that I never knew before. You have both grown so much and risen above the traumas seen and experienced. You two are the best part of me. And, thank you to that special friend that I met a decade ago. You have shown me more than anyone could have ever done, you have cared for me more than many and you have given me the freedom to just be....Ti. Thank you to all who have read this far. Thank you to all who encourage me daily. Thank you to all who love me as I am. Thank you all for being a part of my World. Here is to the next 10 years. With this I leave you with Peace, Love and Happiness Ti

Housing Fiasco

Hey there! Just wanted to touch a little bit about the current housing issue. Having recently been in a very comfortable situation, I was relaxed and not worried about a roof over my head. You get comfy and secure in knowing that you have everything together. I mean, for the first time in my entire life I have lived at one address for just shy of 9 years, and believe me, it is a shock to think about it still. I do believe at last count I had roughly 50 different addresses over the course of my decades on Earth thus far. We do not have it bad here, the house is far from perfect, the neighborhood has it's entertaining moments, but the location and convenience and price are right. All in one swooping moment, chaos swept in a suddenly we were faced with having to find a new place to reside. Piece of cake right? Wrong! Forgetting that this country is in the throes of a huge financial crisis which is affecting jobs, housing, food, gas and everything else that you can think of. I dove head first into house hunting. And, let me tell you, I got a headache. Stress became the norm for me everyday. As the time grew shorter and my deadline was looming, my money was dwindling from paying for application fees deemed fair by greedy brokerage firms. They make money off of every application submitted and the fee is per applicant. Let us not forget the same lofty standards set by these companies that demand that your credit score be over 650, again per applicant as well as making 3 times the rental price. Now in todays' market, that is an averagerental price of $1900 per month, your monthly income has to be at least $5700. Get the hell out of here with that BS! I know people who have great jobs and do not make that kind of money. And here we are in the great state of Arizona where the cost of living does not raise to meet higher cost of living standards and do not forget that inflation rate in Arizona is than other states. Everything has gone up at an average of 1% monthly. Gone are the days of being able to talk to a homeowner and rent a place. Gone are the days of going into a rental community and filling out a reasonable application. What are we to do? Where do you go when faced with this? There are no easy answers and there are no easy solutions. On a personal level, I had of course the nagging thoughts that we would have to move in with someone, thusly splitting up the household. I had nagging thoughts of having to move so far away that all things including employment would be in question. I am sure that so many people are facing this situation. I am sure that so many people cannot afford to move. I am sure that is why the homeless community has become even more critical. I am sure that is why many now resort to living in their vehicles. I am sure that is why we are now allowing tent cities to pop up in Phoenix. I am sure that is why we are in a crisis that seems undending. What can be done? What can we do? I personally am waiting to see the market crash. I personally am waiting to see more desperate times. I personally am praying for the break that everyone so deserves. I am fortunate that I am no longer stressed about looking for a place, I now have a year to focus on that move. I am prepared now, this I know. So many others are not as fortunate and are desperately searching for a place to call their own, a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. Please keep everyone out there in desperation in your thoughts and prayers. Please be kind, you never know how close someone is to a breaking point. Please be a little more patient and be a little more understanding. If you see someone struggling, ask them if they are hungry, if they need water, if they need a list of community resources. A little goes a long way. One last note, remember to be grateful for what you have, you never know when it could be taken away from you. Remember to keep kindness in your heart. Remember to be focused and keep striving for your betterment. Thanks for listening. I leave you with peace and love always Ti

The Old Lady in the Blue House

This is storytime...... On my drive home from work, I most days would avoid the freeway and just take surface streets home. This started years ago when I realized that I spent the same amount of time traveling either way, but with less stress. On Thomas Road, I would pass by a little blue house on the corner. More times than none, I would catch the light and have to sit there at the red light. At least 3 days out of the 5, there would be an elderly woman outside. She walked with a hunch. She pushed around her wheelchair in her tiny yard. Her beautiful white hair was usually messed up and falling into her face. She always wore sweat shorts, a tank top two sizes too big and sandals, no matter the weather. I was captivated by her. Many times I wanted to stop, park and go have a conversation with her. She looked like she had many stories residing within the confines of her mind. I do not know why I never did, maybe I just wanted this to remain a fascination and not a fact...make sense? The house is a little one, intricate wooden shutters with hand carved swirls. Fake snow still clinging to the windows from a Christmas past. In the carport, her gardening tools were stacked neatly on one wall. Her yard was beautiful. You could tell by just looking at her walk gingerly through the yard, that she cared for it all by herself. Her yard was a beautiful mix of various cacti, roses, two beautiful treea and rock walls in different designs painted the same color blue as the house. I would catch her trimming the tree, watering the plants and shuffling around with her potting soil and other garden gadgets on her wheelchair. I imagined many stories in my mind. Was she married? If she is, is her husband inside that tiny little house watching TV? Does she have grand children? The storyteller in me already has a story visualized in my mind of course. There were days when I would not see her and I would get a little lump in my throat, hoping that all was well for her. I found a great comfort in seeing her and I also looked forward to catching the red light, it made me smile. So, I changed jobs briefly and did not see the lady in the blue house for quite some time. Luckily, the job only lasted briefly and I was once again free to drive my "normal" route home. One day, something changed. Something was off. I noticed that her tools were no longer in the carport, on one occasion. On another occasion, I noticed that her wheelchair was gone. Thoughts raced through my mind.....I was sad. Then, I noticed that her lovely little yard was drying out and unkept. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I never did see her again, my mind raced with scenarios...none of which made me feel comforted. Next time that I drove by her house, there were strangers in her carport and a dumpster in the front yard. Well, my heart sank. Of course this could have been her family, but I still felt like they had violated her space. This week it just so happens that there has been a turn in the story. I pulled up to the red light and gasped. Her lovely trees had been ripped out of the ground and thrown in a dumpster! Her roses were gone! But the sight that hit me in the heart and brought a tear to my eye was this, they crushed her rock walls with the same mini Bobcat that had destroyed the rest of the yard. My heart hurt seeing the piles of crushed blue rocks covered in dirt and left in piles. Discarded like trash. Crumbled memories. I had held out hope that if that was her family, they would have kept the quaint little yard with the bench under the shade of the larger tree. But alas, I do believe that the beautiful little blue house will get a facelift for a more "modern" look to keep the neighborhood looking some sort of way. I know this is a sad story but it is one that I felt the need to share. It also reminds me that I was able to share peaceful moments thanks to the little old lady in the little blue house. Thank you dear stranger for bringing many smiles to my face, thank you for helping me have a creative story to tell today and thank you for allowing a glimpse into your world. I wish you peace and beauty wherever it is that you may be. Thank you for listening to my stories. Remember to always be thankful for the little things in this life that others so frequently ignore. I leave you with peace, love and light.

Memories in Music

Well hello again! It has been a minute has it not?? We have had a couple of crazy years for sure. Things have happened that I never imagined seeing in my lifetime yet alone the lifetimes of my children....but hey, here we are. Still perservering. Thankful for every day that welcomes me. I wanted to do a little walk down memory lane. My memory gets fuzzy somedays but others it is pretty good and these are great memories so why not share them? My first concert (that I willingly went to) was in my 8th grade year in Philadelphia, PA. It was Twisted Sister with Joan Jett and The Blackhearts opening the show. My step sister Jamie and I were gifted the tickets for our birthdays. I remember getting ready in our attic bedroom....two giggly teens playing with colored hairspray, glitter and makeup (rare, as my Dad did not allow me to wear that) We wore jeans and oversize shirts and teased out short hair as high as we could. I remember being so nervous on the way and my Dad kept telling us how to be safe in the big city of Philly ( he was dropping us off and going to do journalist stuff while we had the concert). He took us to the Rocky steps as well so it was way cool. We got into the stadium and went to the merch table, we bought the tour books, pins and a bumper sticker. With dreams of meeting the band, we made our way to the seats. I was overcome with excitement! It was huge and jam packed with people. We giggled and jumped up and down in anticipation. Soon, the lights dimmed and my first girl crush stepped out onto the stage....she belted out "I Love Rock n' Roll" and I was screaming along with a sea of other voices. By the time they finished their set...I was already deaf and hoarse. The band bowed and Joan Jett exited the stage. I sat eagerly awaiting Twisted Sister and anticipating a glimpse of Eddie "Fingers" Ojeda (my band member crush at the time). Lights dimmed, neon lights flashed across the stage and all you heard was the magical scream of Dee Snider blast through the building. We all screamed, I cried and we jumped up and down. All you saw was a sea of fists raised into the air, pumping along to the music. He egged the crowd on, having us participate with the song. I was crying from excitement...this was the most fun that I had ever had in my young life. This was 1984, prime time to be experiencing hair bands. The concert went on, my step sister and I kept saying how amazing this was and that we were grown now haha. The concert came to an end, they did an encore for the roaring crowd and we then had to make our way in a sea of people to find my Dad who was waiting somewhere on the street. We went outside into the chilly winter night. Looking everywhere for my Dad, I did not see him and had a moment of panic. Two little girls in a big city, scary times. Finally I heard my name and turned around and there was my Dad. We got in and he asked us all about it. We were giddy and giggly and excited teenage girls, he actually humored us (this was rare). When we got home, we cleaned up and went to bed. We stayed up all night talking about this concert, this was really a moment of bonding for us as we rarely got along. I can still remeber the feeling of each moment of that night, still makes me smile. This concert fueled quite an obsession for me in regards to concert going (and hair bands haha). No concert is quite as memorable as your first. I have been to so many. At one point I had all of my concert tickets stubs, tour books, pins and t shirts from each of my concerts. Sadly a storage unit mishap with a disgruntled idiot took those memories, but the ones imbedded in my brain are permanently lodged in the nooks and crannies of days gone by. Let's see......I think now I will do a quick run down of the ones that I went to. I am proud to say that I was able to see all of the great hair bands in the 80's and some very cool notable shows sprinkled throughout the 90's and into the 2000's. Some of these bands played together but I could not for the life of me remember the order so you get a list. There is no order to these concerts as they are sprinkled throughout my life thus far, so here I go....let's see how many of you went to see any of these shows. Twisted Sister w/ Joan Jett and The Blackhearts Bon Jovi Cinderella AC/DC Warrant Great White Tesla Motely Crue (the spinning drum set one) w/ Whitesnake, Poison, Jet Boy Poison Dokken Robert Plant Jimmy Page (w/ Jason Bonham on drums) Scorpions (most memorable concert while being under the influence) Tesla Aerosmith (Dream On still holds different meaning to me to this day) Red Hot Chili Peppers (after Kiedis cut the hair...sad day in fan history lol) Marc Anthony (long hair and karate chop moves on stage.....we are talking 1995 maybe?) ZZ Top (thanks to some great dudes, I was able to fulfill a lifelong dream to hear TUSH live) All American Rejects (helps to be a parent of a teenage girl) Fallout Boy (again, pays to be a parent of a teenage girl) Old School Jam which included Rose Royce, Zapp and Cameo to name a few (I was gifted these tickets by 104.3 radio on Mothers Day) Evanescence (more specifically Amy Lee with an orchestra- one of the best moments in concert going for me) Brother Ali (another dream of mine, gifted to me by a person with whom I was once very close to). There may be some that I have missed as the 80's could be a blur sometimes. There are numerous outdoor concerts that I have been to that I could not tell you who it was that I saw before they became famous. The concerts have all shaped me and gave me a different love of music. Some hitting me so hard that now when I hear a familiar song it hits me in my gut. I do have some concerts that I missed out on (and kick myself pretty hard now) or that I should have gone to when offered the opportunity (I was to chicken shit to follow through on the plans) Prince was a coulda shoulda woulda, Beastie Boys, Digital Underground (before they were a household name), David Bowie, Red Hot Chili Peppers (when they were a up and coming band, playing at a dive bar in San Francisco), Metallica, George Clinton, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Boys To Men....soooooo many to speak of, sadly. I will say that the memories of these shows are cherished and I hold them all near to my heart. I still remember who I went with, what I wore, where I was, and of course there are some crazy ass stories that go along with each and every single show. I was a bit of a wild child. Those moments are what make me glad that I grew up when I did and that we did not have cell phones or social media, my quiet, good girl facade would have surely been exposed. Concerts were a chance for me to come out of my shell and let loose from my normal icy exterior. Thank you for going down this memory lane with me. I hope it made you chuckle. If you were with me at one of those shows, I hope it gave you some good memories. I hope it made you reflect on the shows that you have gone to. We all need great memories to reflect on, it can bring a smile to your face when you least expect it. Here is to future music shows, the people that you share them moment with and to all the musicians out there bringing the joy to all of us! Until next time....thank you for reading and I will be sharing more random memories soon. Peace, Love, Unity and Happiness