This goes out to all of those who are presently suffering or who have suffered some sort of traumatic experience or illness.
First of all, let me begin by saying that people who are mentally strong are unable to comprehend what trauma is, how it resonates within. Not to say that they themselves have not been a victim of trauma, most have, it is simply that it never consumed them. It never took hold of their mind and created a sickness. They are sympathetic to a point but cannot understand why others cannot simply “shake it off” or “move on”. What they fail to see is that we all heal in our own ways and in our own time. There are others of course who are ignorant and do not understand or want to understand so they throw judgement upon the suffering. A good thing to know is we cannot assume that if the reason behind the trauma has been removed, that a person should be okay or "all better". They are not okay, they have work to do. And the last thing that they need is someone telling them to get over it. This pertains to not just physical traumas, mental traumas, emotional traumas, but also to mental illness. I have been deeply affected by all. I choose not to let those traumas destroy me any longer, however, not everyone can bounce back right away and sadly some never do. I did not get over it quickly, nor did I get over all of them. Some still reside within deep crevices in my mind and every once in awhile come to the surface. The difference between the past and the present for me is that now I can usually recognize when they are coming forth and I can face them head on. And it is a difficult practice sometimes, sometimes I cry or scream or feel abandoned. I usually take a brisk walk, go for a car ride, lose myself in nature or put it into words. I write it all out. I free write until the pen stops moving. Most of these free writings end up shredded into tiny pieces and given to the wind in a manner of speaking (I do not literally toss bits of paper in the wind). I was diagnosed with clinical depression by age 17. Diagnosed with anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by age 19. I was a cutter by age 14 (mind you, this was before it was heard of). I was emotionally and mentally abused as a child and well into adulthood. I was bullied horribly from the ages of 8 until 15. I was molested at age 10. I was physically and sexually assaulted throughout adulthood. My self worth was never established you see. Do you understand that the basis of self worth is something that begins as a toddler? Do you understand that when you are crushed over and over as a child that you never develop a healthy mentality? Do you understand that sometimes, we cannot simply "get over it". Some of us do. Some of us are in life long counseling. Others self medicate. Others, turn it around and treat people the same way that they were treated. I chose to heal myself. I went in and out of counseling for at least 15 years of my life. I tried all of the anti depressants and anti anxiety medications that you could think of. I went to Al Anon meetings. I read every new self help book on the shelves. I reached out to others. I withdrew into my self. I took many turns along the way. I got inspired by others. After many twists and turns and some roadblocks, I finally realized that I was not willing to look at myself and not wanting to change myself. This is why all of my efforts were in vain. I never realized that we cannot heal ourselves unless we face ourselves. We have to take a look inside of ourselves and want to change. We have to want to get better. We have to desire to heal from within. But, most importantly we have to forgive ourselves. I know that seems strange but hear me out. When you experience trauma, you tend to blame yourself. You look at yourself and ask why. You look at yourself and call yourself names like ugly, fat, skinny, pimply, stupid and the like. Not realizing that you are harming yourself more because we really need to love ourselves. We are an amazing creature and we need to realize that. Why people cannot treat their children better from birth is beyond me. Why would you hurt such a precious thing? Why would you degrade something so beautiful?
So onto what got be all riled up today. I saw something. Something in which a person said to someone who is depressed, get over it. Life is not that bad. You really just have to tell yourself that everything is okay. You are just being weak, grow up. Now, since I have been on the receiving end of these words it struck a chord as I stated above. Depression is serious! Anxiety is serious! Mental health is not something to take lightly! To those of you who are fortunate enough to have never suffered from it or "got over it", just STOP! Stop belittling people for how they feel. You are not helping them. You are hindering the situation. They cannot simply snap out of it. Do you not think that if they could they would? Now, do not get me wrong I have seen the ugly side of this as well. You know, the people who need attention. The people who play "victim". I have come across many of those along the way. And, I think that we have a small group of people who think it is okay to play the victim. It is called manipulation and it is an ugly sickness all in its own. Also, there are others who have the previously mentioned problems but choose to stay victims for many reasons. With any situation, we should always remember that we should not cast judgement on others. We should mind our own business and live our own lives.
I offer light to those who need it. I offer a sympathetic ear to those who need to vent. I offer empathy to those who need kindness. I offer a place to vent, I offer a place to cry, I offer a place to scream, I offer a place to create. I understand you and I understand where you are and where you have come from. I learned that writing was my escape. I also learned that creating was a wonderful place to begin. Writing always came naturally so I got so good at it that I even wrote fiction so that just in case something ever happened to me, no one would know how bad I really was. That is frightening is it not? I mean, I wrote "fake" truths so if I died no one would know how fucked up I really was. Talk about being removed from reality. But, none of those chapters exist today. They burned and turned to ash like the pain that was removed from my life. Some of my poems remain as they are reminders of how much I grew. They remind me of my strength and my desire to live. They also serve as a reminder to never return to that way of life.
Please seek help, please find a way to begin the healing process. It is NEVER too late to work on YOU! You are worth it! You are amazing! Your past does not define you, it only molds your future so live your life for you today! Do something nice for yourself everyday. Even if it means a smile, a clean start, nourishing yourself, start with something, anything. But do it for you, you matter here and someone loves you!
I leave you with this: to those of you who do not suffer or have healed, please remember to be kind. Please remember how powerful your words and actions are. Remember that your words can do serious damage to others who may be in a highly fragile state. Remember that some can not simply "get over it".
And to those who are suffering, to those who have separated from the trauma but it still lingers. Know that it will be okay and you can turn it around. Know that there is help, and know that there is kindness in this world. Most importantly, know that you are a precious gift and you are worthy. Know that you are loved!
I leave you all with peace, love and light always!
