A Decade Has Passed

Story time with Ti Been awhile, I know, but now is a good time to share as the words have been swirling for some time and that means I need to let them loose. Coming out of something that I had only begun to admit to myself let alone anyone else. You see, abuse was normal my whole life, I never saw it as anything different and surely thought I somehow deserved it. When I finally put on a brave face and walked away from that abuse, I was scared and uncertain and not sure that I should. I felt like I should stay there, at least it was familiar. But, I knew that it was my only chance to end it or the next thing ending would be my life. So, I walked away. I then was alone ( as best as I could be. I was still being harassed and stalked from afar) But I was relatively free, not from my own thoughts but free nonetheless. For quite awile it seemed as if I was spiraling out of control. Living life by the seat of my pants so to speak and pretty much just existing. Something was missing, something was "off". I did not realize that it was I who was "off". I started writing furiously, words flooding from my mind like water over a spillway. I could not shut them off. Then, I began to paint. The paintings turned into writing boards that the emotionally charged words would find their way onto canvas and paper boards. The writings back then were so much darker than today. The words were poison draining out of wounds inflicted over a lifetime. And so this is how the changes began. This is how one person in particular struck a nerve so deep that I was suddenly shaken to my core. 10 years ago, I did not see an escape. 10 years ago, I saw no hope. 10 years ago, I saw no future. You see, I was a different girl for sure. I had a different mindset for sure. I was clinging to existence yet keeping an ever brave face. If you know me, yeah that is normal. I was a ball of internal chaos with a life to match. In debt up to my ears, taking on a car loan was the LAST thing that I needed at the time. It seemed logical at the time but really, honestly, my intentions were not my own. I had found myself living for others as I almost always have. Never was one to live for myself. I never found myself important enough for that. I always thought that pleasing others would bring me joy, still getting smacked in the face with that reality, believe me. It brings no joy to me and the people I wish to keep happy usually end up taking advantage, betraying me or ignoring me. Never one to give up, I still pursued these twisted thoughts. I think back to those days fondly, even though I know it was a ball of confusion for everyone involved in my life. Especially my children. They had to handle more than they ever should have, they saw more than any child should ever see, they watched their mother fall apart and could not help me, which no child should ever see. I was growing though. I was learning that I had a voice. I was learning to trust myself a little more. Many, many mistakes were made 10 years ago. I have made amends to those necessary. I have made amends to myself, forgiving myself in that process. Forgiving oneself is one of the most difficult things to do. Learning to love yourself and find yourself worthy of love is a completely different struggle and one that I still struggle with to this day, but I have gotten better. I have learned to be a little nicer to myself these days. So this little, simple minded woman was learning that there much larger things out in this wolrd that would crush you silently. Venomous smiles, cruel intentions and people who target the weak willed. I was fortunate to have met an amazing person. In turn, meeting some more amazing people. And try as I might, I could not drive them away. I tried so hard to make myself invisible so that they would leave. I tried to tell myself that I was not worthy of decent people in my life. I thank every single one of you who have touched my life. I thank every single one of you who loved me when I could not love myself. Most importantly, I thank every single one of you who have helped me either by "helping" or by turning your back on me so that I could "learn", you helped me the most. You taught me more than you know. While chaos was swirling around me, I found peace in this person. While chaos was trying to cripple me, I found solace in new friends. While chaos was ripping my family to pieces, I knew the pieces would land as they were meant to. I had to learn to be quiet, I had to learn to accept, I had to learn to trust. I was still alive. I was still standing. I was still trying. I am looking fondly on how far I have come in a decade. How much I have grown, evolved and changed. I am very happy with the changes. I am happy with the good, the bad and the indifferent that have come throught these years. Still no regrets, only wishes for having used my brain a little better, shielded my soul and protected my heart a little better. I learned in a decade: to budget, to be financially aware, to make better decisions, to stand my ground, to use my voice, to create and share, to speak up, to laugh more, to love harder, to smile more, to be silly, to be lenient, to be happy and know that I deserve it. I have learned survival, I have also learned self reliance. Most importantly, I thank my children for saving me from myself, for forgiving me, for keeping me young, for keeping me grounded and for being in my life, I love you both more than you may ever know. You have both shown me a World I never knew existed and a love that I never knew before. You have both grown so much and risen above the traumas seen and experienced. You two are the best part of me. And, thank you to that special friend that I met a decade ago. You have shown me more than anyone could have ever done, you have cared for me more than many and you have given me the freedom to just be....Ti. Thank you to all who have read this far. Thank you to all who encourage me daily. Thank you to all who love me as I am. Thank you all for being a part of my World. Here is to the next 10 years. With this I leave you with Peace, Love and Happiness Ti

Learning to Let Go and Move On

Having had to " let go" of many a people, situations and feelings this is a difficult task sometimes and it takes a lot of self reflection most times to do so.
The act of letting go is not always a challenge. Sometimes, we are very sure that a situation or person is toxic enough to walk away from. Other times, especially when it is someone that we care about, it is hard to do. We spin the scenarios around in our head. We second guess the situations that led us up to that moment, hoping that we missed something. Clinging to the belief in people. That there is good somewhere, there has to be right?
That is called being human. We form emotional bonds with people on so many levels. The emotional bonds embed themselves into our psyche, leaving us vulnerable. And again, not all of this is a bad thing. I am simply going to focus on the ones that we need to let go of.
I have had much experience in letting go. Unfortunately for me, I usually wait until the "last straw" has been broken, time and time again. I never did learn the lessons that were being shown to me.
One of my most difficult moments of letting go was with my father. I have spoken about him on here before. I did not learn right away how toxic that he was until high school when I asked him to help me as my mother went into rehab (and would be there quite awhile) and he said that he had nowhere for me to stay, while he had a big house and plenty of room. Time and time again these same types of scenarios would play out and I would always let him back into my life, only to be kicked right back down to the ground. We would become close and then I would do something that he did not see was up to his standards and he would walk away. It was always him walking away while leaving me confused, emotional, with a face full of tears. I never could please him. Little did I know that it was he who could not please himself. I drew the line with him finally after multiple attempts on his part to be a part of my children's lives. He would pop in, be "Pappy Frank" and full of love on paper (never in person) and then just disappear. After my daughter hit 13 he called me and told me about how he could never forgive me for some imagined wrong that I had done and that he would call me someday when he saw fit but to never call him. Instead of leaving me with tears, he left me cold. I stood at that moment looking at the face of the Superstition Mountains, looked down at the phone and decided that he would never do that to me again. That was indeed the last time that I spoke to my father until years later when he was near death. I wondered where he was, how we was doing but never to the point of tracking him down or making that call. Was it difficult? Hell yes. Was it worth it? Hell yes. I learned with just that one lesson that I could remove toxicity from my life. Of course, I was at the time living within the biggest toxic relationship of my life.
And here we go onto another huge lesson in letting go and moving on. As I have most recently written on here about my previous relationships, I included the last one which spanned 21 years. This goes into what I said in the beginning as hoping that there is good in someone so that you do not have to make the painful choice to walk away. But in this case, it was detrimental that I walk away. More like, run away. I will not go into detail as I did just speak on this subject about him. And I really did let it go and walk away. It took a long time and having left him twice it did finally happen. What I learned from the experience with him was that I do not need to be with someone for the sake of being with someone. I do not need to be with someone if it hurts. I deserve better than pain with a sprinkle of happiness. And I learned that I never have to look for good within someone when they hide it. Life is not a scavenger hunt for love and affection. If you cannot find it, you better love yourself because you are the only one who is true to YOU. After finally walking away, letting go and shedding the stigma of pain I learned something. I am still here, I still know how to love and I am worthy of living. And you can still live a full life when you get rid of the negative hold that some people hold over you.
Next steps in walking away involve other family members and a few friends thrown in for good measure. There have been moments in my life where I made friends with some of the best people I thought I knew. Problem was, they were fake and full of underlying negativity. I had one in particular that was so involved in my life he was always around me. I trusted him with everything including my children, and that was the worst mistake that I have ever made. And believe me, I have made my fair share of mistakes. Turns out that during a time when I needed him the most, he was doing the horrible things to my children. Well, my daughter was the one who suffered his wrath. He was a very bitter and angry person and therefore took all of his frustrations out on my daughter. My son was not treated horribly but my daughter was traumatized. This so called friend was taking things out on her for his shortcomings in life and the fact that his mother was just as horrible as he was. I ended up breaking ties with him for other reasons. I unfortunately did not find out about that incident until after I moved halfway across the country. But when I did, I had to be there for my daughter and work through the emotions and feelings with her. I never did confront him or his mother. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to turn my back, work through the emotions and let go. In doing so I was able to move on.
In regards to family members, I have let go and moved on from them as well. I have decided that not mentioning situations is also a form of letting go, is it not?
I decided to share this part of my journey so that others may see a similarity in their lives and realize that if they walked away then they are ahead of the game and doing just fine. It takes a bigger person to walk away, cut ties and forgive people. But it really is for the best and forgiveness is key to a clear soul and pure heart.
Thank you for taking a walk on this path with me. As always, love often and live without fear. We are all human and will make mistakes but we survive always.
Peace, Love and Happiness Always!

Life Lessons, Personal Growth and the art of Being Human

How do you define humble?
The true definition of humble is "having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance". The act of humbling oneself is to lower yourself. This does not mean subservient, this does not mean making yourself less of a human. It is indeed to bring yourself down to a lower form. It is to look at yourself on a whole and realize that you are not above anyone. It is to look at yourself and be respectful and quiet at the right time.
I am at a stage in my life where I feel as if I have become who I am supposed to be. Not that I have fully grown mind you, only that I am at the exact place that I need to be at the moment. I have developed into a more complete version of myself.
Having struggled along the way. Having been pushed back down, time and time again. Having damaged myself through self hatred, guilt and negative thinking I have come to a place where the positive creeps in way more than the negative does and I get stronger and stronger. I embrace my changes and I embrace who I am evolving into. I no longer hide in the shadows and cower behind make believe security. I am learning to believe in myself more and more everyday. Dare I say that I am beginning to trust myself and my instincts to the point of not retreating back to the same old, same old behaviors that were so damaging.
Having spent years being apologetic for things that I really had not done wrong. Apologizing for breathing, for speaking, for being in a room, for existing. I spent so long in that place and I still mentally smack my hand when I find myself doing it still. Thankfully I have people in my life who will kindly remind me that I am worthy.
I never thought of myself as disrespectful or hurtful or judgmental. However, in recent months I have begun to see myself with a different perspective. I have stripped away my layers and gotten into the core. I am beginning to focus more on the inner working of "Ti". I have always had a tendency to spew forth anything that comes to mind without thinking first. I have had a tendency to say things without thinking of whom it may affect. I have also had a tendency to judge without having a right to judge. Not one person on this planet has the right to judge another human being, this is a reminder.
I love to laugh and in doing so I love to joke around. My joking is not always taken in the right context so I am learning to watch what I say.
I am sarcastic by nature. Sometimes, this is not a good trait to have and sometimes people will get offended. I mean no harm, let that be known.
I have judged people mentally and then after having learned about the person, I have had to make amends to the universe and change perspective.
The blessing to all of this seemingly negative behavior is that I am learning to accept my human behaviors and to change them. I am learning to be more conscious of who I am around and how they feel. I am also learning to bypass sarcasm as much as possible. I learned the hard way that there is indeed truth in sarcasm and it can be painful when it is thrown right back at you.
We are human, we are nature. And we will and do make mistakes. The key is that after making those mistakes, we accept them as a past transgression and learn from each one. The key to growth is change. We will always evolve if we seek enlightenment. If we do not, well, then you know that we will stay stagnant. Trapped in a negative place in the mind. Unable to go forward or see light.
I have met more people in the last few years that have changed my thought process on many things. These same people have shown me a new perspective. A new way to look at things and a new way to approach situations. I am also, after many hard lessons, beginning to make better choices in the company that I keep.
I am utilizing this platform today to mainly just write out life lessons. I like to share these lessons that happen in my life from time to time just to see if others can relate.
I continue to grow, change, develop, accept and learn on a daily basis. I accept lessons learned as a badge of honor almost in the sense that life lessons make us more human and more humble. Realizing that we are just a speck in this great universe and knowing that life is beautiful for all that it offers to us. The good, the bad, the sad and everything else in between. Until next time. Thanks for reading and peace, love and happiness always!

How Nature and Photography Inspire My Words

I have always been a natural girl. I have always been happiest when fully surrounded by nature.
I grew up mainly in Northern California, therefore I spent most of my time by the ocean. We lived in a navy town by the bay and surrounded by water. I have fond memories of rolling down hills covered in ice plants on cardboard and looking out across glistening waters with Mare Island Naval Shipyard looming eerily in the background. I would always look at the Submarines and think how creepy they looked just docked right across the water from us. We spent a lot of time on the waterfront. We would crab, fish and dare each other to jump in the black, bottomless water. We would go to the docks by the Yacht club where people had their fancy boats all tied up. We would run the length of the docks until we met the big, locked gates warning us to not trespass. We would climb under the docks when the tide was out and see what we could find embedded in the "muck". Frequently we would get stuck in the muck which, if you pulled hard would suck you in more. It was frightening as it was similar to quicksand. I lost shoes and socks in that stinky stuff. But, damn if I was not living the life. We were always wandering around, a group of us kids. Daring each other to do things, I would usually chicken out of the scary stuff. I was adventurous but had a cushion of security that I did not like to leave behind. Not to mention the fact that I was terrified of my father whom I knew would find out and I would be in BIG trouble. So, when the other kids would push boundaries I usually stayed behind and lost myself in song and my surroundings. I was always a seeker (as I like to call myself). I looked on the ground, I looked in the sky, I looked in nooks and crannies. I would find rusted nails, old bottles (some of which were antiques), bottle caps (which I collected) and many other treasures. The other kids would tease me and tell me that I was chicken but I was way too comfortable out of danger and therefore would not bring attention to myself. As I stated in a previous post, this was my normal thing to do. Slip by or out of a room or area completely unnoticed.
I also grew up for a bit in Pennsylvania. I lived in Lancaster County surrounded by lush green pastures, farmland, fresh food and the smell of flowers. I spent most of my time outdoors. Playing on swings, playing in old tractor tires, playing in the creek, helping pick vegetables from my Great Grammas' garden or tagging along with my Dad. I would play in his wood shop surrounded by wood shavings. I still remember the smell and how much it comforted me. I had many chances to be surrounded by nature. At my Nans' house I played in the spring house and caught Salamanders and played with spiders. We would pick berries down by the stream that ran through the property. We would play in the snow down the long driveway in winter. Snow always made me happy, it was always so beautiful to me. I loved just touching it.
Alright, long enough trip down memory lane. Thanks for taking a look back with me. So, now to present day. I am obsessed with taking pictures. I love to take organic photos and capture every little detail. Maybe that is due to my obsessive compulsive disorder that I have had since childhood. I love to capture the ant climbing out of the anthill, the rusted nail in the desert, the puddles reflecting oil slicked rainbows. I especially love to take pictures of flowers and sunsets. I can honestly say that of all the places that I have lived, Arizona sunsets still take my breath away with each and every one.
Recently I have been inspired to write to darn near every nature photograph that I take. It is an amazing feeling as I am looking at the picture of a rose and sit mesmerized by every detail, the color, the shape, I find myself starting to form words in my mind. I quickly reach for pen and paper and start free writing. As I look over what I wrote, I edit the words to form something as organic as the image in the photograph. I also tend to paint canvas the colors that I feel with my prose and poems. This has led me to a very fulfilling feeling and I feel that it has taken my writing to another level and is helping me to expand in so many ways.
Who knows where this path will lead but I am so very glad to have finally listened to the calling and started to take the journey. I thank all of you for taking the journey with me and giving me feedback, both positive and negative. I take it all in and grow from everything that comes my way.
Thank you all again, I truly appreciate all who support me, encourage me and love me!
Peace, Love and Happiness always!

A Path To Healing

I will start by saying that healing is a long, arduos journey. Healing from abuse can sometimes take a life time and many do not understand why it takes so long. If a person has never been abused, they will have a hard time comprehending it. They will judge you, ridicule you, berate you or just remain silent. They cannot understand how on Earth you allowed it to happen, this of course just adds to your suffering. The definition of abuse is the same whether used as a noun or a verb; it is to misuse, cruel or violent treatment of a human or animal. It creates a deeply distressing frame of mind for the abused victim.
Usually those that are victims of abuse have had a pattern set out at an early age. This is not a reason to be abused, but makes them an easy target to be abused. An example of this is: a lonely, withdrawn child who keeps to themselves and does not step out of their shell will usually more times than not become an easy target for bullies.
I will write about my own path to healing. Never a happy subject however, I feel it is the next step in finally shedding the stigma of a victim. I have worked very hard to overcome the trauma. I still struggle with things on a daily basis (meaning behaviors, triggers and the like) but the difference in my life now is that I can recognize when I am in that mindset and work to center myself and find my peace. Or those that love me will kindly let me know when I am actively reacting like a victim. I am thankful for all that are in my life that love me enough to be honest with me and tell me when I am behaving that way. I may not always like to hear it, but I listen. I check my ego and look within to pinpoint what it is that I am reacting to that brings that behavior out. Healing is a daily process and I believe, at least for me that it will be a lifetime journey but I can live a wonderfully, happy life without being miserable.
Early memories of abuse begin at home which statistically is the norm. Terrible, as home should be nurturing. Never damaging.
I was shy, unsure and eager to please. I wanted the approval of others always. Especially my father and my sister. My father was a HUGE influence in my life from a very young age and I always tried to be "good" so that he would like me. My sister and brother would get hit for whatever reason that my father saw that they were doing wrong. I watched and learned and made sure that I stayed away from the physical side of the abuse. I could not stop the mental abuse from happening though. It began at an early age. My father would ridicule me for not doing something correct, for being slow, for being too shy and many more things. He had a mental illness so this was why it was difficult for me to grasp, one day he loved me and I was the golden child and 10 minutes later, I was the worst form of a child. I never knew how to make him happy but I kept trying. My brother was not in my life long enough to be anything but cool to me. I looked up to him, I was devastated when he left to go back to living with his Mom. My sister was a typical big sister. I wanted to be like her, I wanted to be pretty and popular and talented just like her. I drove her nuts trying to always be around her but she would yell at me to leave her alone. She did not want to hang with a baby. Other times she would chase me, throw me down. That is normal sibling behavior but the degradation was not. She put me down all the time. I learned with her at least to ignore her, it was easier to do that with her. My mom was not abusive until my teenage years which was fueled by her alcoholism. She was my rock from an early age. In my younger years she had her way of letting me know that I disappointed her, my weight was always an issue. Other members of my family would let me know that I would be pretty like my sister if I just lost weight. That damn weight stigma stayed, and still remains to this day. People do not understand what happens with body degradation. They think that they are being nice or helpful or loving but not realizing that from a young age they are putting a tumor into someones mind that they do not look good enough to be accepted. And that they cannot be themselves, they have to conform to societal standards. This is a horrible form of abuse because it just spirals out of control. This leads to a different type of abuse and that is the abuse of self. Sometimes, you can not break free of it and it eats away at you your whole life, affecting all of your relationships, including friends, lovers, peers, educators and partners.
Throughout my young, impressionable years I formed friendships with stronger personalities than mine. I tend to still do this to a degree today, however, through healing I am discovering how wonderful I am and that I do deserve to be seen, heard and loved. This was a defense mechanism that I did as a way to hide. With them being so outgoing, I could stay in the shadows where I thought I belonged. If no one saw me, I would not stand out or worse, I would not be the butt of the jokes or pranks or bullying. I despise bullies. I despise the concept of someone feeling that they are better than someone else whom they deem weak or undeserving of a place in this world. I hated April Fools Day, I was the target of every practical joke throughout most of my grade school and middle school years. I was teased, given dog food, had my bra soaked from toilet water in gym class, I had mats pulled out from under me in gymnastics, chairs pulled out, boys pretending to like me, girls pretending to be friends, being the target of every dodge ball game, being picked last, my pants pulled down, you name it. But damn if they did not want answers in class from me at test time or homework time. I swear I felt like I was living every John Hughes movie ever made but without the comedy or happy ending. I never told my parents, ever. Especially my father. He would have been more disappointed in me than when I brought home a C. The cruelty of children is horrible and when there are large numbers banded together, there seems to be no escaping them. For anyone who has ever bullied someone, I hope that you learned from it and grew up. If you never learned and you still are, then Karma is taking notes. So sad, that most bullies grow up to be even bigger bullies. This leads to into my next part of this story.
When I finally began dating boys, I moved quickly. After living with my father until the 9th grade, I was forbidden from dating. I ended up moving to my mothers house and there I stayed through graduating high school. I was a little boy crazy as they were finally starting to notice me. I of course chose all of the wrong kinds. Most were bullies, abusers, users or just sex crazed. I ended up getting a "serious" boyfriend, he was everything to me. Well, I refused to have sex. I was not ready for all that. He used to put me down and try to belittle me to make me do it. I stayed strong. Well, one night he ended up coming into my room, we usually did this every night so nothing was out of the ordinary there. My mom never knew as she was usually pretty out of it by then. This night, he would not take no for an answer. Tore my clothes, held me down and raped me. Then he got up and left without a word. I was in shock and mortified and embarrassed. Next day, he told the whole damn school! I told my best friend that I did "it" and I lied. I told her that I liked it! This is where the lying to myself and others started. I became a great actress. To make this situation worse, I went to a close friend of the both of us to hang out after school. I walked in and guess who was sleeping together? It was a triple whammy. And a part of me fell apart.
Next run of boyfriends were no better than him minus rape. They were just bullies who told me to be this, be that, change this, change that. I ended up meeting my best friends step brother and he was like a breath of fresh air. Oh my God was he nice. We were together for 2 years and he made me feel beautiful, loved and worth something. My mother was getting worse with the alcoholism and he was my escape. I actually was beginning to like myself and bullies were finally a memory from the past. We experienced most of our firsts together in a completely loving relationship. I felt for sure that I was going to be with him forever. Well, of course some good things have to come to an end. He ended the relationship with me and I was devastated but then began to think that it was me and that I really was a piece of crap. Self hatred is a horrible monster that would continually pop up in my life. By this time my mom went to rehab and I found myself essentially homeless. I lived with our family friend for a time but her husband kicked me out. And then luckily my friends mother found out my life and took me in. Who knows where I would have ended up without her. My mom got out of rehab and we began to work on repairing our relationship. All the while I ended up with another mentally abusive guy and a few flings. At this point I was done. I decided to move to Pennsylvania to live with my Dad. Yes. even though he never opened his house up to me when I became homeless, I thought he was all better by then. Was I wrong! I was under strict rules with him and I was 18 with a job. I mean I got a job 2 weeks after moving there! So, really he just got worse with me. I turned into the 13 year old Tianne who was meek and shy and unsure of herself. He screwed with my mind terribly. I ended up meeting a guy in the inner city. Well, there were a few factors involved with this meeting. He was nothing that I should have gone near. Street guy, addict, alcoholic, abuser, mentally unstable and just got out of a rehab and burn unit for attempting suicide! Where are you in your own mind when you think this is normal? I left my Dads into the arms of a much larger enemy and never looked back.
I guess all of the abuse that I endured as a youngster and teenager was prepping me for the abuse that was to come. You find out your strength and will to survive after awhile. Some do not get out, some do not know their strength and in many cases some do not survive. I thank God that I made it out alive. I am so grateful to all who helped me realize my worth so that I could get out of the situation and grow. It was a struggle and I did not leave for 20 years!
During the courtship he was charming and sweet and unstable. I thought that I could fix him since he was a victim too right? He wanted to have a kid right away! I was not ready to be a Mom but he kept telling me that we were together till death do us part (we were not married, never did get married)so we had to have a kid, he wanted a family. I began to believe that he was the best man that I could get so I should do what he says. The mental abuse and bullying began around the same time that I got pregnant.We were too young and not mentally able to become parents. My pregnancy was stressed. Things were violent daily and the only reason that he did not beat me was the baby that I was carrying. He verbally and mentally abused me and made sure that I was docile enough to do as I was told and realize that I was his property to do what he wanted with me. He frequently would rape me since that was the only abuse that he could inflict on me that would not leave marks. Surprisingly, I did deliver my baby. She had a lot of complications and was born purple. Trauma after trauma after trauma. He even blamed me for her issues saying that I was a bad mother while pregnant. And I actually believed him!
I ended up leaving for a short time and went back to California so that he could make things "right". But, I went back and knew that we were to be together forever. Now, the downward spiral began.
We decided after a few years to have another child. This pregnancy brought more stress. He learned ways to hurt me without hitting me. Shoving, wrestling moves, grabbing my face and neck, pulling my hair, torture and the verbal abuse became a regular thing so much like it was welcome to me. At this point I learned of how far his addiction had grown. It was so out of control. He continued with rape as it was his way of showing love to a cold-hearted woman as he called me. I had my son, who was luckily very healthy and seemed to change things for a bit. I did leave him again for almost a year. I actually got bold and put a protection from abuse order on him. He violated it and went to jail for a bit. I was terrified of what he would do to me when he got out. Statistics again state that domestic violence ends in death very often. I took him back after he got clean and sober. I thought he was all better and thought that maybe I could be a better woman and do what he wanted. We moved to another state, I thought that the change would be better. I was wrong, he drank more than ever. Over the years the verbal and mental abuse moved to include my children. I shielded them from as much as I could. I did their chores so they would not get in trouble for doing them wrong. I did their homework so it was done by the time he got home. I did everything that I was supposed to do.
My life began to go on a different path, I was slowly beginning to find myself. I started to grow. I got my drivers license. I went back to school and got a career. I lost 80 pounds and started to think for myself.
Due to my growth things began to unravel and spiral so far out of control. After a particularly rough time he decided to move back to his home state. All of this with promises of change and providing for us. After he left he kept his finger on me at all times. I was under a huge cloud of doubt and fear. I was realizing that I needed to end things with him but I was too scared of the outcome so I stayed "with" him. I was such a great actress. To everyone I was still looking to the future with this guy. And he had no idea that I was thinking of leaving the relationship.
He came back into our lives for a brief time around the time of my daughters graduation. He was still an addict, an alcoholic and abusive. One night, it escalated in front of the kids and I was done! I waited for him to pass out and we fled in the middle of the night. I hid out, delivered a protection order and had a cop friend let him know that he needed to leave. That was it, I was finally asserting myself. But damn if that fear was stronger than ever.
He left the state with promises of change and grandeur. I began to loosen the chains that bound me. It took me another 7 months to end it, but I finally did it! Through all of this I had many ups and downs and second thoughts because it is so ingrained in you that no one out there will love you like they do. There is so much mind control that it seems there is no way out. I got stronger, I learned to survive. I had a lot of help from great people in my life who encouraged me all the way and helped me when I was at my lowest points. The kids and I struggled, but we made it. He still tried to abuse me through phone calls, letters, reaching out to people who he thought would change my mind and even degrading me on social media but I stayed strong.
I have no way of shortening this story because I think that it is important to put in all aspects from the beginning to the current situations in life. We need to share our stories so that people understand where it begins, how it begins and how it embeds itself so deeply some of us do not make it out. I NEVER thought that I would make it out. Do I regret it or any decisions that I made? No, I have NO REGRETS! Do I wish that I would have made better choices? Hell yes! But, out of this I have 2 amazing children. They loved me unconditionally when no one else would, including myself. They are the reason I am here. I was made to be a Mom and they are my life above anything else.
My children suffered abuses that I did not see. I am only finding out about them now that they are older and learned to share. I encourage them to accept what happened, talk about it, learn from it, never make those choices and grow, grow, grow! We are open and honest with each other and this is the bond that I share with them. They make me proud to be their Mother. They could have gone down a darker path but they both are doing pretty darn good. I also have met a kind man that I share my life with and he encourages me every step of the way on my path of enlightenment. It has not been easy for him to handle my behaviors that are so embedded within me. But again, he is one of those great people in my life who will kindly remind me that I am subservient to no one. I am thankful for him everyday.
I just wanted to share this story so that it may help someone else to realize that they can make it. I also want to be able to finally put this damn story to rest. This chapter is closing and I am grateful for being able to tell it. I am grateful to have had a great support system through the ending of that chapter. I never had support during the relationship as I told NO ONE, I was a great actress, remember? I only told people after I was finally done. I had no choice I ran.
All that I can say is please tell someone. Please let someone know that you are being abused. Some one will help you. You DO NOT deserve it! You are worthy and deserve to be loved. It starts as a child, if you are abused please reach out to some one. If you know of a child who is being abused please help them. If you are a teenager and someone hurts you please tell some one. Please TELL! Death is permanent and most times domestic violence does lead to this. It is not okay to be hurt and if you do not tell, someone else will become the victim. They do not just wake up one day and stop hurting people. And it will not get better if you ignore it. Statistically I know that most times people will say that a victim asked for it due to situations, the way they dress, the way they act, that is ALL bullshit. Victims do not ASK to be hurt. Please stop the cycle, so not let it happen to others. I should have told on my first abuser. I did not, who knows if he did it again? I should have stopped my ex, who knows who else he may have done this to. Do not stay quiet,that is the worst pain. It will consume you. Guilt is a horrible demon that lives within your mind consuming you and injuring more than a fist ever could. Speak Up, Speak Out, Survive, Thrive and Live!
I leave you all with a thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. To those of you who are in my life, thank you. You make my life rich and you make me feel worthy and loved and safe.
Peace, Love and Light Always!

What Death Has Taught Me About Forgiveness

This may have a somber feel but it really has a positive light. What death has taught me about forgiveness was a priceless life lesson for me. Today marks the anniversary of my fathers' death. I am going to celebrate his memory by writing this post. Last year I celebrated his memory by having my very talented friend Chris draw a caricature of my father. And my amazing friend Zack printed the images onto a shirt for me.
First of all let me say that my father was not a great man. He had a mental illness and he did not want to take care of it properly. He always thought that he was too strong for all of that nonsense, as he called it. He also had an addiction problem which just added to the already complicated mind. I never knew if he would be angry or sad or thoughtful or happy. As a child I idolized him. I wanted to be strong like him and I also wanted his ultimate approval. I would do everything that he said so that I could make him proud. I looked past the fact that he was loud, angry, mean and daunting. He was abusive verbally and physically but no matter what I wanted to be near him all the time.
For all of the wrongs, there were so many rights. He was intelligent and taught me so much. He was a survivor and he showed me skills to survive. He was always reading and showed me "grown up" books to read at a very young age, thus fueling my desire to devour anything that had words on it. I would read cereal boxes, medicine bottles, dictionaries, Playboy magazines....anything I could get my hands on. I would ask him questions, I would talk non stop and he would tell me to be quiet and think a little bit. I still remember pushing his buttons and he would get up and tell me to stay. I was very precocious and this made him happy. He would challenge me all the time to be better and do more. He was larger than life and had a laugh that was as big as he was! He had a great toothless smile and a crooked nose from too many times broken. I adored my father and looked up to him. Even when he punished me, I forgave him and moved on.
When I got older I started to see how he really was and my innocent, naive mind began to process the things that were not positive. He hurt me more times than I can say. He destroyed my confidences, he belittled me and crushed my heart. And in the next breath he would try to lift my spirits. I began to distance myself when I realized the toxicity of the relationship with him. When I became a mother for the first time I really saw what he was. He also disowned me due to me becoming pregnant to a man of another race. This crushed me as I was trying to mend our shaky relationship and it went against everything that he and my mother taught me about diversity. It was a horrible truth that came to light but I moved on. Again, years went by without speaking and I became a mother again. This time, we were able to mend things. For a temporary time anyway. Long story short, our relationship was off and on my whole life. He never did approve of me or the way I lived my life. He said horrible things about me and completely turned his back on me in moments when I needed a father the most. He stole from, he lied to me, he hurt the people that I love and did more harm to himself than anything else. When I decided to finally turn my back to him for the last time, I was in my 30's. The last time he called me he said I do not know if I can talk to you anymore. Do not call me, I will call you.
Years go by and I never hear from him. Not knowing where he is or how he is. Through my brother I at least knew he was alive. And ironically that is how I found out that he was dying. When my brother told me that my father was dying I was numb. Not really having a feeling at first. I finally did call him. He actually picked up the phone and talked to me. We talked off and on for the few weeks leading up to his death. Very briefly but we did talk. He said that he made mistakes as a father. He said that he regretted not knowing his grandchildren. Which is funny as my son is the spitting image of my father, pretty ironic. He said that he regretted turning his back on me. And the craziest twist was that he forgave me! And he also made sure to tell me that he makes no excuses for his behavior and that he lived his life on his terms no matter what. This is a typical Frank move. Believe me, I have heard that one before. I spoke to him a day before he died. He told me that he was proud of me as a mother and as an adult. He said he was sorry and he hoped that I could forgive him. I forgave him and it was not a forced forgiveness, it was genuine. I felt a warmth go through me and a force cleared my heart up and brightened my thoughts of him. I do not know what it was that came over me. But it still resonates within me.
So, what does this experience mean? What does it say about me? The experience was a change for me. I grew up and grew out of a particular mindset that I had held onto for so long. It says that I have grown, it says that I am stronger and it makes me a better person for forgiving him. Again, I make no excuses for all the bad that he had. I make no excuses for his behavior and the hurts that he caused. This taught me a lesson in forgiveness and it made me a better person. My heart is full and I have no regrets in regards to him or his memory. What I can do now is only focus on all of the positive moments of my life with him. I do not focus any energy on the negative. This in turn helped me to forgive the most negative force that occurred in my life. I save that story for another time.
I can remember going along with him on his trips when he drove truck. I can remember deep sea fishing with him. I can remember cross country driving adventures and seeing national parks. I can remember him going on class trips with me. I can remember his writing, which I have developed a talent for and I love sharing that bond.
Forgiveness makes you whole. It makes you grow. It brings positive into your life in so many ways. I love you Dad no matter where you may be and I send you hugs and loving light always. I love you Frank.
Love, TiBoom