How Nature and Photography Inspire My Words

I have always been a natural girl. I have always been happiest when fully surrounded by nature.
I grew up mainly in Northern California, therefore I spent most of my time by the ocean. We lived in a navy town by the bay and surrounded by water. I have fond memories of rolling down hills covered in ice plants on cardboard and looking out across glistening waters with Mare Island Naval Shipyard looming eerily in the background. I would always look at the Submarines and think how creepy they looked just docked right across the water from us. We spent a lot of time on the waterfront. We would crab, fish and dare each other to jump in the black, bottomless water. We would go to the docks by the Yacht club where people had their fancy boats all tied up. We would run the length of the docks until we met the big, locked gates warning us to not trespass. We would climb under the docks when the tide was out and see what we could find embedded in the "muck". Frequently we would get stuck in the muck which, if you pulled hard would suck you in more. It was frightening as it was similar to quicksand. I lost shoes and socks in that stinky stuff. But, damn if I was not living the life. We were always wandering around, a group of us kids. Daring each other to do things, I would usually chicken out of the scary stuff. I was adventurous but had a cushion of security that I did not like to leave behind. Not to mention the fact that I was terrified of my father whom I knew would find out and I would be in BIG trouble. So, when the other kids would push boundaries I usually stayed behind and lost myself in song and my surroundings. I was always a seeker (as I like to call myself). I looked on the ground, I looked in the sky, I looked in nooks and crannies. I would find rusted nails, old bottles (some of which were antiques), bottle caps (which I collected) and many other treasures. The other kids would tease me and tell me that I was chicken but I was way too comfortable out of danger and therefore would not bring attention to myself. As I stated in a previous post, this was my normal thing to do. Slip by or out of a room or area completely unnoticed.
I also grew up for a bit in Pennsylvania. I lived in Lancaster County surrounded by lush green pastures, farmland, fresh food and the smell of flowers. I spent most of my time outdoors. Playing on swings, playing in old tractor tires, playing in the creek, helping pick vegetables from my Great Grammas' garden or tagging along with my Dad. I would play in his wood shop surrounded by wood shavings. I still remember the smell and how much it comforted me. I had many chances to be surrounded by nature. At my Nans' house I played in the spring house and caught Salamanders and played with spiders. We would pick berries down by the stream that ran through the property. We would play in the snow down the long driveway in winter. Snow always made me happy, it was always so beautiful to me. I loved just touching it.
Alright, long enough trip down memory lane. Thanks for taking a look back with me. So, now to present day. I am obsessed with taking pictures. I love to take organic photos and capture every little detail. Maybe that is due to my obsessive compulsive disorder that I have had since childhood. I love to capture the ant climbing out of the anthill, the rusted nail in the desert, the puddles reflecting oil slicked rainbows. I especially love to take pictures of flowers and sunsets. I can honestly say that of all the places that I have lived, Arizona sunsets still take my breath away with each and every one.
Recently I have been inspired to write to darn near every nature photograph that I take. It is an amazing feeling as I am looking at the picture of a rose and sit mesmerized by every detail, the color, the shape, I find myself starting to form words in my mind. I quickly reach for pen and paper and start free writing. As I look over what I wrote, I edit the words to form something as organic as the image in the photograph. I also tend to paint canvas the colors that I feel with my prose and poems. This has led me to a very fulfilling feeling and I feel that it has taken my writing to another level and is helping me to expand in so many ways.
Who knows where this path will lead but I am so very glad to have finally listened to the calling and started to take the journey. I thank all of you for taking the journey with me and giving me feedback, both positive and negative. I take it all in and grow from everything that comes my way.
Thank you all again, I truly appreciate all who support me, encourage me and love me!
Peace, Love and Happiness always!

Laughing in the Face of Fear Once Again, One Open Mic at a Time in Phoenix

Hello again, my apologies for such a delay since my last entry. I had to focus on a few other things going on in the personal life. But, this one is sure to be a good one so sit back and take a gander.
Do you remember where you first faced a massive fear? I have experienced that clenching feeling on a few occasions.
A few posts back I spoke of facing fears in regards to reading my poetry out loud to an audience. The first time that I read my poetry to an audience it was on the radio at KDIF 102.9 FM on my friends' program, the RoseWax Vinyl Club. This as I said before is an amazing community organization that is growing more every day and giving an outlet for many more voices in the community to be able to express themselves through music, art, poetry, for dj's, creating events and so much more! It was an amazing feeling to be able to conquer that fear that resonated within me for so long. This will lead me into the subject of this blog entry.
A good friend of mine and an inspiration may I add has done many Open Mic events. She is so free and wild and full of light and I am inspired and in awe of her fierce determination everyday. She was invited to be the featured poet at an Open Mic at the Fair Trade Cafe in downtown Phoenix. Well, she invited me to come out and check it out. I was nervous as she had asked me if I wanted to read! Of course I wanted to but I was paralyzed with fear. I talked myself out of reading but said I would go to support her. My daughter went with me because she had been invited as well and she actually wanted to read her poems. It made me so proud to hear her say that with no fear in her voice.
We arrived at the cafe, a little unsure but ready to check it out. We walked out onto the back patio and we suddenly were in another world. Soft lighting and smiles greeted us as soon as we walked into the courtyard. My friend Angelica runs up and gives us a huge hug. She gets us settled in and begins to introduce us to her friends. Everyone was so open and warm and friendly. It made me feel so at ease. The sign up sheet was presented by Renaissance and no pressure to sign up just letting us know that it was there. My daughter signed up and a few other people did as well. After little banter back and forth about how nervous I was, I finally decided to put my name on the list! Well, no turning back now. More people arrived and I saw a lot of familiar friendly faces ( Franco from KDIF, a huge supporter showed up) which eased my mind a bit.
Suddenly, Ren announced that it was time to begin. He asked the crowd, who wanted to go first. Before I could second guess myself or shut my mouth, I raised my hand and volunteered! What was I thinking? Well, let me tell you I was so scared but upon walking up to the mic I looked at my daughter face and saw her pride and smile, then scanned the crowd and saw Angelica smiling at me as if to say "go on, you got this".....I took a deep breath and spoke. After I finished my poem I felt elated, shaky and proud. There is no feeling like that to know that people actually listened to my words, clapped and smiled and I got some hugs as well. I knew that I was unstoppable at that point. No more fear, at least in the writing department. I watched my daughter go up and spill her heart out and she brought tears to my eyes both out of her words and pride. We officially became a mother daughter poetry powerhouse that night. Some amazing words were spoken that night which fueled my desire to read more and participate more. Everyone who read was a true inspiration. And the community is fantastic!
I read a poem of strength through survival and after I got done a lovely woman came up with tears in her eyes and asked if she could hug me because she said that she needed to hear those words that night. It was surreal and lovely and empowering!
My next experience with the Open Mic was again hosted by my friend Angelica at a great place simply called The Barbershop, because it is indeed a barbershop run by an amazingly talented young lady. She opens her shop up in the back for a quaint little Open Mic. When my daughter and I walked into this place my friend came up and embraced me with her warmth. Again, we signed up on the sheet and got settled in to begin the evening. We had food provided by the amazing Baja Roots with some of the best tacos I really have ever tasted. And some bomb Aguas provided by Aguas de Ari. All were signed up on the sheet and I once again volunteered to read first. I read about standing up for ourselves, love, hate and everything in between. My daughter read quite a few pieces and she never ceases to amaze me each and every time. This open mic had musicians, poets, artists and a lot of love and laughs. I met so many amazing people and felt so much love and warmth from these people that it brought me to tears upon reflection. It is wonderful to be a part of this community. We stand up for each other, we encourage each other and we love and support one another.
I now know that this is my purpose, where it will lead who knows. All that I know is that I am blessed to have met the people that I have, the opportunities that I have been given, the outlets that have have opened up for me and the supporters and dare I say fans that I have gained. This will continue to happen as I am realizing that my voice needs to be heard and maybe my words will help and inspire some one else to heal and speak up.
I want to thank Angelica, The Barbershop, Fair Trade Cafe, Baja Roots, Aguas De Ari and everyone who participates, shares and gives us the outlets to do this!
This girl feel like she is part of a huge community full of love and light! I am humbled, honored and full of pride. Thank you!! Please check out on Instagram or Facebook some of these amazingly talented people. feminaflower, bajarootsaz, aguas_de_ari, the barbershop, fair trade cafe, cheetah volcano, JUSTPOETRY, Justice That Works, KDIF.org . Until next time, I thank you again for reading. Peace!

A Path To Healing

I will start by saying that healing is a long, arduos journey. Healing from abuse can sometimes take a life time and many do not understand why it takes so long. If a person has never been abused, they will have a hard time comprehending it. They will judge you, ridicule you, berate you or just remain silent. They cannot understand how on Earth you allowed it to happen, this of course just adds to your suffering. The definition of abuse is the same whether used as a noun or a verb; it is to misuse, cruel or violent treatment of a human or animal. It creates a deeply distressing frame of mind for the abused victim.
Usually those that are victims of abuse have had a pattern set out at an early age. This is not a reason to be abused, but makes them an easy target to be abused. An example of this is: a lonely, withdrawn child who keeps to themselves and does not step out of their shell will usually more times than not become an easy target for bullies.
I will write about my own path to healing. Never a happy subject however, I feel it is the next step in finally shedding the stigma of a victim. I have worked very hard to overcome the trauma. I still struggle with things on a daily basis (meaning behaviors, triggers and the like) but the difference in my life now is that I can recognize when I am in that mindset and work to center myself and find my peace. Or those that love me will kindly let me know when I am actively reacting like a victim. I am thankful for all that are in my life that love me enough to be honest with me and tell me when I am behaving that way. I may not always like to hear it, but I listen. I check my ego and look within to pinpoint what it is that I am reacting to that brings that behavior out. Healing is a daily process and I believe, at least for me that it will be a lifetime journey but I can live a wonderfully, happy life without being miserable.
Early memories of abuse begin at home which statistically is the norm. Terrible, as home should be nurturing. Never damaging.
I was shy, unsure and eager to please. I wanted the approval of others always. Especially my father and my sister. My father was a HUGE influence in my life from a very young age and I always tried to be "good" so that he would like me. My sister and brother would get hit for whatever reason that my father saw that they were doing wrong. I watched and learned and made sure that I stayed away from the physical side of the abuse. I could not stop the mental abuse from happening though. It began at an early age. My father would ridicule me for not doing something correct, for being slow, for being too shy and many more things. He had a mental illness so this was why it was difficult for me to grasp, one day he loved me and I was the golden child and 10 minutes later, I was the worst form of a child. I never knew how to make him happy but I kept trying. My brother was not in my life long enough to be anything but cool to me. I looked up to him, I was devastated when he left to go back to living with his Mom. My sister was a typical big sister. I wanted to be like her, I wanted to be pretty and popular and talented just like her. I drove her nuts trying to always be around her but she would yell at me to leave her alone. She did not want to hang with a baby. Other times she would chase me, throw me down. That is normal sibling behavior but the degradation was not. She put me down all the time. I learned with her at least to ignore her, it was easier to do that with her. My mom was not abusive until my teenage years which was fueled by her alcoholism. She was my rock from an early age. In my younger years she had her way of letting me know that I disappointed her, my weight was always an issue. Other members of my family would let me know that I would be pretty like my sister if I just lost weight. That damn weight stigma stayed, and still remains to this day. People do not understand what happens with body degradation. They think that they are being nice or helpful or loving but not realizing that from a young age they are putting a tumor into someones mind that they do not look good enough to be accepted. And that they cannot be themselves, they have to conform to societal standards. This is a horrible form of abuse because it just spirals out of control. This leads to a different type of abuse and that is the abuse of self. Sometimes, you can not break free of it and it eats away at you your whole life, affecting all of your relationships, including friends, lovers, peers, educators and partners.
Throughout my young, impressionable years I formed friendships with stronger personalities than mine. I tend to still do this to a degree today, however, through healing I am discovering how wonderful I am and that I do deserve to be seen, heard and loved. This was a defense mechanism that I did as a way to hide. With them being so outgoing, I could stay in the shadows where I thought I belonged. If no one saw me, I would not stand out or worse, I would not be the butt of the jokes or pranks or bullying. I despise bullies. I despise the concept of someone feeling that they are better than someone else whom they deem weak or undeserving of a place in this world. I hated April Fools Day, I was the target of every practical joke throughout most of my grade school and middle school years. I was teased, given dog food, had my bra soaked from toilet water in gym class, I had mats pulled out from under me in gymnastics, chairs pulled out, boys pretending to like me, girls pretending to be friends, being the target of every dodge ball game, being picked last, my pants pulled down, you name it. But damn if they did not want answers in class from me at test time or homework time. I swear I felt like I was living every John Hughes movie ever made but without the comedy or happy ending. I never told my parents, ever. Especially my father. He would have been more disappointed in me than when I brought home a C. The cruelty of children is horrible and when there are large numbers banded together, there seems to be no escaping them. For anyone who has ever bullied someone, I hope that you learned from it and grew up. If you never learned and you still are, then Karma is taking notes. So sad, that most bullies grow up to be even bigger bullies. This leads to into my next part of this story.
When I finally began dating boys, I moved quickly. After living with my father until the 9th grade, I was forbidden from dating. I ended up moving to my mothers house and there I stayed through graduating high school. I was a little boy crazy as they were finally starting to notice me. I of course chose all of the wrong kinds. Most were bullies, abusers, users or just sex crazed. I ended up getting a "serious" boyfriend, he was everything to me. Well, I refused to have sex. I was not ready for all that. He used to put me down and try to belittle me to make me do it. I stayed strong. Well, one night he ended up coming into my room, we usually did this every night so nothing was out of the ordinary there. My mom never knew as she was usually pretty out of it by then. This night, he would not take no for an answer. Tore my clothes, held me down and raped me. Then he got up and left without a word. I was in shock and mortified and embarrassed. Next day, he told the whole damn school! I told my best friend that I did "it" and I lied. I told her that I liked it! This is where the lying to myself and others started. I became a great actress. To make this situation worse, I went to a close friend of the both of us to hang out after school. I walked in and guess who was sleeping together? It was a triple whammy. And a part of me fell apart.
Next run of boyfriends were no better than him minus rape. They were just bullies who told me to be this, be that, change this, change that. I ended up meeting my best friends step brother and he was like a breath of fresh air. Oh my God was he nice. We were together for 2 years and he made me feel beautiful, loved and worth something. My mother was getting worse with the alcoholism and he was my escape. I actually was beginning to like myself and bullies were finally a memory from the past. We experienced most of our firsts together in a completely loving relationship. I felt for sure that I was going to be with him forever. Well, of course some good things have to come to an end. He ended the relationship with me and I was devastated but then began to think that it was me and that I really was a piece of crap. Self hatred is a horrible monster that would continually pop up in my life. By this time my mom went to rehab and I found myself essentially homeless. I lived with our family friend for a time but her husband kicked me out. And then luckily my friends mother found out my life and took me in. Who knows where I would have ended up without her. My mom got out of rehab and we began to work on repairing our relationship. All the while I ended up with another mentally abusive guy and a few flings. At this point I was done. I decided to move to Pennsylvania to live with my Dad. Yes. even though he never opened his house up to me when I became homeless, I thought he was all better by then. Was I wrong! I was under strict rules with him and I was 18 with a job. I mean I got a job 2 weeks after moving there! So, really he just got worse with me. I turned into the 13 year old Tianne who was meek and shy and unsure of herself. He screwed with my mind terribly. I ended up meeting a guy in the inner city. Well, there were a few factors involved with this meeting. He was nothing that I should have gone near. Street guy, addict, alcoholic, abuser, mentally unstable and just got out of a rehab and burn unit for attempting suicide! Where are you in your own mind when you think this is normal? I left my Dads into the arms of a much larger enemy and never looked back.
I guess all of the abuse that I endured as a youngster and teenager was prepping me for the abuse that was to come. You find out your strength and will to survive after awhile. Some do not get out, some do not know their strength and in many cases some do not survive. I thank God that I made it out alive. I am so grateful to all who helped me realize my worth so that I could get out of the situation and grow. It was a struggle and I did not leave for 20 years!
During the courtship he was charming and sweet and unstable. I thought that I could fix him since he was a victim too right? He wanted to have a kid right away! I was not ready to be a Mom but he kept telling me that we were together till death do us part (we were not married, never did get married)so we had to have a kid, he wanted a family. I began to believe that he was the best man that I could get so I should do what he says. The mental abuse and bullying began around the same time that I got pregnant.We were too young and not mentally able to become parents. My pregnancy was stressed. Things were violent daily and the only reason that he did not beat me was the baby that I was carrying. He verbally and mentally abused me and made sure that I was docile enough to do as I was told and realize that I was his property to do what he wanted with me. He frequently would rape me since that was the only abuse that he could inflict on me that would not leave marks. Surprisingly, I did deliver my baby. She had a lot of complications and was born purple. Trauma after trauma after trauma. He even blamed me for her issues saying that I was a bad mother while pregnant. And I actually believed him!
I ended up leaving for a short time and went back to California so that he could make things "right". But, I went back and knew that we were to be together forever. Now, the downward spiral began.
We decided after a few years to have another child. This pregnancy brought more stress. He learned ways to hurt me without hitting me. Shoving, wrestling moves, grabbing my face and neck, pulling my hair, torture and the verbal abuse became a regular thing so much like it was welcome to me. At this point I learned of how far his addiction had grown. It was so out of control. He continued with rape as it was his way of showing love to a cold-hearted woman as he called me. I had my son, who was luckily very healthy and seemed to change things for a bit. I did leave him again for almost a year. I actually got bold and put a protection from abuse order on him. He violated it and went to jail for a bit. I was terrified of what he would do to me when he got out. Statistics again state that domestic violence ends in death very often. I took him back after he got clean and sober. I thought he was all better and thought that maybe I could be a better woman and do what he wanted. We moved to another state, I thought that the change would be better. I was wrong, he drank more than ever. Over the years the verbal and mental abuse moved to include my children. I shielded them from as much as I could. I did their chores so they would not get in trouble for doing them wrong. I did their homework so it was done by the time he got home. I did everything that I was supposed to do.
My life began to go on a different path, I was slowly beginning to find myself. I started to grow. I got my drivers license. I went back to school and got a career. I lost 80 pounds and started to think for myself.
Due to my growth things began to unravel and spiral so far out of control. After a particularly rough time he decided to move back to his home state. All of this with promises of change and providing for us. After he left he kept his finger on me at all times. I was under a huge cloud of doubt and fear. I was realizing that I needed to end things with him but I was too scared of the outcome so I stayed "with" him. I was such a great actress. To everyone I was still looking to the future with this guy. And he had no idea that I was thinking of leaving the relationship.
He came back into our lives for a brief time around the time of my daughters graduation. He was still an addict, an alcoholic and abusive. One night, it escalated in front of the kids and I was done! I waited for him to pass out and we fled in the middle of the night. I hid out, delivered a protection order and had a cop friend let him know that he needed to leave. That was it, I was finally asserting myself. But damn if that fear was stronger than ever.
He left the state with promises of change and grandeur. I began to loosen the chains that bound me. It took me another 7 months to end it, but I finally did it! Through all of this I had many ups and downs and second thoughts because it is so ingrained in you that no one out there will love you like they do. There is so much mind control that it seems there is no way out. I got stronger, I learned to survive. I had a lot of help from great people in my life who encouraged me all the way and helped me when I was at my lowest points. The kids and I struggled, but we made it. He still tried to abuse me through phone calls, letters, reaching out to people who he thought would change my mind and even degrading me on social media but I stayed strong.
I have no way of shortening this story because I think that it is important to put in all aspects from the beginning to the current situations in life. We need to share our stories so that people understand where it begins, how it begins and how it embeds itself so deeply some of us do not make it out. I NEVER thought that I would make it out. Do I regret it or any decisions that I made? No, I have NO REGRETS! Do I wish that I would have made better choices? Hell yes! But, out of this I have 2 amazing children. They loved me unconditionally when no one else would, including myself. They are the reason I am here. I was made to be a Mom and they are my life above anything else.
My children suffered abuses that I did not see. I am only finding out about them now that they are older and learned to share. I encourage them to accept what happened, talk about it, learn from it, never make those choices and grow, grow, grow! We are open and honest with each other and this is the bond that I share with them. They make me proud to be their Mother. They could have gone down a darker path but they both are doing pretty darn good. I also have met a kind man that I share my life with and he encourages me every step of the way on my path of enlightenment. It has not been easy for him to handle my behaviors that are so embedded within me. But again, he is one of those great people in my life who will kindly remind me that I am subservient to no one. I am thankful for him everyday.
I just wanted to share this story so that it may help someone else to realize that they can make it. I also want to be able to finally put this damn story to rest. This chapter is closing and I am grateful for being able to tell it. I am grateful to have had a great support system through the ending of that chapter. I never had support during the relationship as I told NO ONE, I was a great actress, remember? I only told people after I was finally done. I had no choice I ran.
All that I can say is please tell someone. Please let someone know that you are being abused. Some one will help you. You DO NOT deserve it! You are worthy and deserve to be loved. It starts as a child, if you are abused please reach out to some one. If you know of a child who is being abused please help them. If you are a teenager and someone hurts you please tell some one. Please TELL! Death is permanent and most times domestic violence does lead to this. It is not okay to be hurt and if you do not tell, someone else will become the victim. They do not just wake up one day and stop hurting people. And it will not get better if you ignore it. Statistically I know that most times people will say that a victim asked for it due to situations, the way they dress, the way they act, that is ALL bullshit. Victims do not ASK to be hurt. Please stop the cycle, so not let it happen to others. I should have told on my first abuser. I did not, who knows if he did it again? I should have stopped my ex, who knows who else he may have done this to. Do not stay quiet,that is the worst pain. It will consume you. Guilt is a horrible demon that lives within your mind consuming you and injuring more than a fist ever could. Speak Up, Speak Out, Survive, Thrive and Live!
I leave you all with a thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. To those of you who are in my life, thank you. You make my life rich and you make me feel worthy and loved and safe.
Peace, Love and Light Always!

My Very Own First Friday!

The Melancholy Musings of a Misfit Girl has evolved into Love Is a Sometimes Distorted Journey into a gal realizing a dream of sharing her words with the outside world.
As you know from my previous blog regarding producing my very first Zine, I have now produced another one titled "Love is a Sometimes Distorted Journey". This one is more special to me as I did write most of them fresh, some were older ones that I revamped. I am extremely proud of this one.
As I went to Wasted Ink to drop it off, I finally got to meet Charissa Lucille the amazing owner of the Distro! I happened to go on First Friday which was her first one setting up in The Hive (the little art collective where the Distro is housed). I was so impressed by the turnout, the vibe, the people and the energy that I right away had to ask how I could be a part of it. Well, it just so happens that it was a fluid movement, very much like getting my Zine in there.
I was walking on air! I stopped by to see my friends over at SNOH and shared my excitement with them. It is really a blessing to have people who believe in what you are doing and stand behind you in your adventures.
I went home and immediately began throwing my efforts into painting my canvases and adding poems onto them. I forgot how much I really enjoyed doing that. So, I got myself prepared for the upcoming First Friday event. There were so many other amazing shows going on that Friday, the energy surrounding the days leading up the it were off the charts. My friend Monique was setting up her AzNm Connection show at two venues that brought together so many amazing artists and SNOH had a great line up of artists and vendors as well. Sure to be a First Friday to remember. Also my friends Alto and Haps were putting on their radio show called Contents Under Pressure (good old KDIF 102.9 FM...in case you have not checked out their line up of shows, you should)featuring my good friends from Crates Records and Gear as the guests.
I had my daughter aka my side kick Briahna along with me for the excitement at The Hive. When we went in, first let me tell you that I was so nervous that I tried to open a door that was closed off for a reason, almost knocking it down....oh my how funny for my grand entrance so to speak. I go in and Charissa directs me to an amazing little spot and we get to work. Now, luckily with doing shows alongside my other artist friends and setting up at toy conventions, I felt at home once I put the table up. The whole experience was a beautiful surreal moment. I swear, a smile never left my face all night.
My vision of how the table would look was realized and we were ready to go! As people began to flow in, they would stop and chat about my Zines but they were really interested in the canvas that I hand paint the poems onto. I had so much fun talking to people about my work and it felt amazing! I really enjoyed sharing the moment with my daughter as well.
My friends and my boyfriend all showed up to support me and laugh with me and basically just brighten my whole night. It truly was an amazing experience and it felt so well deserved. I actually took pride in doing it as I did it on my own as far as bringing it all to fruition and to think it all started with an idea and a chance encounter with an amazing little Zine Distro. I am forever grateful and humbled to have experienced this. I am so grateful to those who showed up and to my friends who came by to show love and to those who were with me in spirit as well. You have made this lady very happy and I am forever grateful for all of you. Briahna, Jason, Locke, James, Serg, Todd, Raymond, Darrell D, Angel and Angelica mi femina. I LOVE you all! And appreciate you in more ways than you know. Thank you to Charissa, Wasted Ink, The Hive, The Bees Knees and the whole amazing collective over there, thanks to you for allowing us this amazing space to set up away from downtown craziness. And thank you again Charissa for allowing me to be a part of something to special and meaningful. You really have no idea how much I appreciate this opportunity and look forward to next month :)
The best part of doing the show was actually doing it because it was something I wanted to do and knew that I could do it. Fear is a thing of the past...let us all face our fears and plow on through this life living it the way that we want! Stay positive, Stay focused, Stay real, Stay humble and always face the world head on!

The Melancholy Musings of a Misfit Girl

Good day people! I am writing this week on a subject that is near and dear to me. I, as most of you know by now, am a writer by nature. It embodies so much of me that my early memories go back as far as age 5. I used to write letters to my imaginary friend Deena, also I would write little stories and sing songs that I had made up the words to. I was a shy, solitary child. I was clumsy and always unsure of myself. I found when I disappeared into reading and writing and singing, nothing could touch me. I could blend into the words and leave wherever I was. Strange thing is that I had an innate ability to disappear into my surroundings, I actually am able to do this quite easily still to this day. I loved to read, well I still do. And back then, I absorbed everything that I could read including cereal boxes and milk jugs. I was reading newspapers as early as age 7 and encyclopedias by age 8, wanting to be smart like my mom and dad. At age 10 I would write and sing songs and then record them on my cassette recorder. I made friends easily but usually picked the wrong friends. I had a few very dear friends during my younger years and they were misfits just like me. Something that I learned from a young age is that some of the best people in the world were always considered odd, weird, nerds, outcasts and the like. This has given me some of the most amazing friends in the world that I still have to this day along with the new ones that I have made over the years. I just find that people who are down to Earth and unafraid to be different are more genuine and accepting. I am grateful that there are so many in this world, otherwise who knows if this planet would still exist. We have enough problems, but imagine how bad it could be.
So here we will get back into the writing. I have many notebooks and sketch pads full of poems, prose, doodles, sketches, short stories and free writes. I had at one point dreamed of publishing a book. I also have submitted my writings to various publishers, magazines and publications which has led to a folder full of rejection letters. Now, the rejection letters did not deter me from writing and did not stop me from looking into other outlets to share my writing. I do not get crushed from rejection, especially when someone gives me pointers and constructive criticism. I take the advice and absorb it like a sponge. I go back to what I wrote, read it and let it resonate within me and then I will tweak it, not with all of them of course because again, they are my words and some will only be for my eyes. I hope that my words can reach others in many ways. I hope that for some it gives them joy, peace, strength, inspiration and courage. Everyone will take away what is specific to them and others of course it may mean nothing at all and to that I am alright with. I realize that some people do not get touched by words but stick with only visual stimulation. By understanding this it has led me to another path. I am so very proud of myself for finally beginning to find the outlet that I have been seeking. By showing vulnerability, by being positive when the negative wants to take over (which sometimes does happen) and more importantly believing in myself, I have realized that there is an audience out there waiting.
So, what has happened most recently is I have written and produced a Zine. A Zine for those of you that do not know is a small publication like a magazine but smaller. There is no rhyme or reason, there is no right or wrong to how it must be. It is a perfect outlet for people who have something to say and are not ready or have no desire to publish a novel, a book of poetry or what have you. They come in all different shapes, colors, styles and forms (just like people).
I chose to hand write mine and spread little illustrations of flowers and like throughout the pages. There is also a page of positive affirmations that I free wrote out of my head and decided to add it to the Zine. I titled it " The Melancholy Musings of a Misfit Girl" which is a title that is very personal to me. I have spent a large majority of my life swimming in melancholy thoughts and actions. There is a reason that people thought of me as Eeyore and I guess that is also why he was my favorite character for most of my life, I could relate to him. Even though I smiled and had a good time, I was weighed heavy with sadness, self doubt and fear. I have come so far from who I was that the melancholy musings are now turning more and more into inspirational words. I decided to produce the first Zine as my melancholy writings which will lead into the positive ones. My next one will be uplifting, full of happiness and vibrant colors and of course, good vibes.
I was drawn to a local place in Phoenix called Wasted Ink Zine Distro thanks to Instagram and following local businesses and writers, as you all know how much I support local! I went to visit there for the very first time and perused the shelves. There was something for everyone! The shop is quaint, warm and welcoming. There are little baby Zines hanging on the walls with colorful string and paperclips. There are Zines on shelves and on top of bookcases. There are stickers, buttons, handmade cards (better than Hallmark) and so much more! I fell in love instantly. I asked the young lady how to submit a Zine to the shop. I took the leap! She was so helpful and supportive and super excited! I knew at that moment what I needed to do. I had a place for my words to flourish under someones watchful, loving eye. I went home and took out all of my books and selected the prose that I felt would make a great debut. With help from a friend, I got the paper the size that I envisioned. With encouragement from the few that I told, I went forward. I completed my Zine and put all of my love into creating it. Again, with the help of my friend, I then had copies made to submit to Wasted Ink. After a little bit of time to gather myself together, I prepared the package. I emailed Charissa, the founder and owner of Wasted Ink Zine. I was making sure to cross the T's and dot the I's. She was so amazing and helpful and welcoming that I knew I had to go get it in there. Then one bright, sunny day I grabbed the paperwork, the Zines and went to Wasted Ink along with my biggest supporter and side kick, my daughter Bri. She is always there by my side and is along on this crazy journey with me.
I walked into the shop and spoke with Denise. She actually remembered me from the first time that I had gone into the shop! She was very helpful and made sure that I had everything that I needed to get my paperwork off to Charissa. After all was said and done, I felt like I was walking on air. It was such a feeling of elation. A bright light was bouncing around inside of me and I felt like everyone could see it. Now if that is not a rush, I do not know what is.
A short time later, I received notice on my Instagram that my Zine was getting put on the shelves! Another amazing feeling believe me. My Zine was featured in a most amazing photo in a plant and surrounded by green and brown earthy hues that wrapped it in it's warm embrace. I shared my good news with everyone and now I am super inspired to work on the next one. I even had the opportunity to share my news and the information on the airwaves through my friends on KDIF 102.9 FM local South Phoenix radio. My friend Angelica aka RoseWax Vinyl Club has provided me an outlet to read my poetry live on her Sunday broadcast. I have read a few times but this time, I was also interviewed and read from the Zine. I also of course let everyone know where they could find the shop since it is so cool! You can check out KDIF on kdif.org or tune in for one of the many programs on 102.9 FM which streams live on kdif.org if you are not in listening range.
After my trial one, I am going to make some format changes and add more writings. I am excited to see what happens next. Thank you Charissa! Thank you Denise! And thanks to WastedInk Zine Distro and the arts and the local scene that encourages individuality and the format for people to pursue a dream.
You can catch Wasted Ink on Instagram: Wasted Ink Zine Distro and on Facebook: Wasted Ink Zine Distro. And of course,through their website: wizd-az.com
Peace, Love and Happiness always kids! Follow your path and do what brings you joy <3

An adventure at First Friday with my Art Crew at SNOH Ice Shavery

This post is about...shock...the ARTS! I cannot stress it to you enough how important the arts are in our community. The art classes in schools are being fazed out and made smaller and less important. Art is the most powerful form of self expression, it can heal us, harm us, frighten us, lift us up and so much more! I myself am a writer and I love to draw. This has helped me to find a voice within myself that was hiding. This has also helped me to find strength that I never knew that I had. I have faced fears, expressed myself and healed myself from it.
This past Friday, I had the pleasure of supporting and hanging out with some amazing artists. The gathering was in downtown Phoenix at SNOH Ice Shavery for the monthly First Friday event. SNOH Ice Shavery has been a great supporter of local businesses, local artists, local chefs, musicians and so much more! Ireally love the vibe there as it is a positive environment, family friendly, upbeat and lively place to be. It does not hurt that they offer BOMB desserts and Boba and Tea and more desserts.
In attendance at the event this month I accompanied my friends and fantastic local talent to keep the art scene alive in Phoenix. My friend Durokski set up the line up and it was fantastic! Durok had graffiti art, canvas art and photos. My friends Siek, Julio and Mario aka 3S were set up with T shirts, Original Artwork and stickers that feature original artwork. My friend Ray aka Primo Craftworks was set up with his custom handmade canvases. Just a little background information on the artists that I just named. Durok is an amazing DJ, blogwriter and artist and all around talented, approachable guy. Rey is from South Phoenix and his canvases are affordable and great quality. Siek, Julio and Mario are from South Phoenix as well and all have amazing talent. The best thing about these guys is that they believe in community, quality craftsmanship, giving back and supporting each other and others to be the best that they can be.
Also as I meandered around the event I met some amazing local artists that I had previously only seen around town but had never had the pleasure of meeting. I purchased a shirt from Imagine Thread Co which was designed by local artist ark9one, and it is HOT! It is Pennywise the clown, so dope! Ark9One was painting live and what a production indeed. Chuck the Rippa painted live and did a great rendition of Cuphead. Local artist Enuf was also painting live. LetterJunkies was set up with stickers, apparel and more! And wow...the lettering is phenomenal! There were food vendors and one was serving up some awesome Elote in a cup, the best I have had in forever! Also, had to get the hook up with Thai Tea and Boba from Snoh, best stuff around!
Now that I have filled you in on all the great talent, I just want to touch a little bit more on how important it is to support our local artists. They are family, friends, members of our community, neighbors and people from all over our great city of Phoenix. I wholeheartedly support my local artists. They have provided me with not only great artwork to fill my home but they have become some of my most dear friends.
All of the above mentioned can be found on social media such as Instagram and Facebook. siek_von_doom, durokism, _mario_3s, primocraftworks, letterjunkies, ark9one, imaginethreadco, snohiceshavery. Check them out, if you see something you like let them know. Support local everything!! Peace out my fine people!