Popularity Rant

Lately, this has been invading my mind and I see no other way out of it other than to throw it out into the universe. Maybe it is the creative market being invaded by people who have no soul, no passion or love for what they are creating. Maybe it is my impending 30 year class reunion. Or maybe it is people who come out of the woodwork who never gave a fuck about me, trying to give a fuck now. Maybe it is fake ass people flooding social media.
I believe that I may have written about this before but always nice to revisit those issues that still gnaw away at people...it's me, I am people
The popularity syndrome is as old as time ( I believe anyway) and it has never faltered. Each decade, each generation has had their own form of it
It seems more rampant now since technology has brought forth the monster known as social media, the demon that we all love to hate
I have always hated the concept of popularity yet I always wanted to be accepted. I despised the "popular" kids just as they despised me (the misfit)
Now, do not get me wrong I had some great friends and I got along with everyone. I was not confrontational and I was sweet. I was a pushover and tried so hard to be cool but yet, still stay weird. It was a weird internal battle that always raged within me. I was weird and I embraced it, I actually never thought that there was anything wrong with me until I got to middle school. 7th grade changed my mind about people 100%
See, I was a product of a divorced home so I shuttled back and forth between parents. That took on a whole new level of chaos when my Dad moved to Pennsylvania. I had to leave my hometown and my dear friends behind. I was to spend my 7th grade year with him. I go to the Junior High there and they give me an academic test before enrolling me. After my testing they tell me that I am in the top percentile. I am like "uhm okay, can I just get this school thing over with" (Remember, I am now the dreaded new kid)
So in this school they divide kids based on their test scores. We had 7 sections of a seventh grade class, broken down like 7-1, 7-2 and so on. So, 7-1 and 7-2 were the cream of the crop, 7-3 through 7-5 were high to mid range, 7-6 and 7-7 were the "troubled kids" or learning impaired kids.
I was kind of in a shock, where I went to school in California we just went to school man, we all learned and those of us who could not grasp it, got tutoring or one on one time with a teacher or teachers aide. My 12 year old brain was trying to grasp this concept even after school began. I tested above average so I was put in the mid high range. And here was to be my first lessons in popularity.
I was in the "goody two shoes" group (as people so lovingly called us) however, I did not quite fit in. See, I was poor so I was not like "them" and they made sure that I knew it. They did not talk to me as we sat at our segregated lunch tables. We had to sit within our numbered groups. My fellow classmates were not very friendly, with me anyway. They ignored me and looked at me like I had a disease. It was lonely at that table.If we had friends in other groups (which I did), we were not allowed to sit with them.....tell me the logic in that.
Longest story short, this was my first lesson in not belonging or in not being popular enough to be around or even speak to certain people.
Now, I get back into my current popularity theme.
Being a poet, an artist, a musician or a creative leads us into another form of popularity. This is much like High School where you have the beautiful ones, the rich ones, the narcissistic ones, the humble ones, the viruses and the lot. Social media while it may be a necessary evil to some, can also do so much damage. We find ourselves in comparison mode many times "look how many likes they have, look how many followers they have, look at how perfect their lives are....and the list goes on. The bullies have snide remarks or degrading comments for others that they see below their standards. The insecure ones wallow in despair over not being good enough. The secure ones are looked at as trying to be all that....and again, the list goes on.
I have tried to fit in most of my life, tried to be cool, tried to be nice, tried to be mean, tried to be beautiful and popular. All that I ever wanted really was someone, anyone to accept me as I am. Weird, cold, funny, loving, sarcastic, creative, sappy, loud, unrefined and just plain Ti. The girl who just wanted to be something important in this big, wide World. To leave my mark and make an impression on the Universe. We all can say at one point, "if I knew then, what I know now I would have done so much better"
But you know what? I would not change it for the world. I grew up with so many different experiences, but they are my experiences. I was able to experience life on so many levels and it truly made me who I am today. I accept myself! I love myself! I am (dare I say) proud of myself! And I have left my mark on this world by bringing two amazing children into this world who are my best creation by far.
I guess the reason for this long winded( unapologetically long winded )rant is do not pay attention to the popular kids. Be you!
Be magnificently you! Create how you want, create what you want! Stop trying to be something or someone that you are not. Those that matter are paying attention and really, that is the best kind of attention. To hell with the naysayers! To hell with the "cool" kids! To hell with the "in" crowd! To hell with the people who tell you to try something different so you get accepted! Fuck that! Do it your way. In the end you may or may not make it big but you know what? You will make it on your terms, how you are meant to make it. Follow your dreams no matter what they tell you. And never, ever change who you are to conform to someone else's standards of greatness! Fuck that! Fuck them!

The Melancholy Musings of a Misfit Girl

Good day people! I am writing this week on a subject that is near and dear to me. I, as most of you know by now, am a writer by nature. It embodies so much of me that my early memories go back as far as age 5. I used to write letters to my imaginary friend Deena, also I would write little stories and sing songs that I had made up the words to. I was a shy, solitary child. I was clumsy and always unsure of myself. I found when I disappeared into reading and writing and singing, nothing could touch me. I could blend into the words and leave wherever I was. Strange thing is that I had an innate ability to disappear into my surroundings, I actually am able to do this quite easily still to this day. I loved to read, well I still do. And back then, I absorbed everything that I could read including cereal boxes and milk jugs. I was reading newspapers as early as age 7 and encyclopedias by age 8, wanting to be smart like my mom and dad. At age 10 I would write and sing songs and then record them on my cassette recorder. I made friends easily but usually picked the wrong friends. I had a few very dear friends during my younger years and they were misfits just like me. Something that I learned from a young age is that some of the best people in the world were always considered odd, weird, nerds, outcasts and the like. This has given me some of the most amazing friends in the world that I still have to this day along with the new ones that I have made over the years. I just find that people who are down to Earth and unafraid to be different are more genuine and accepting. I am grateful that there are so many in this world, otherwise who knows if this planet would still exist. We have enough problems, but imagine how bad it could be.
So here we will get back into the writing. I have many notebooks and sketch pads full of poems, prose, doodles, sketches, short stories and free writes. I had at one point dreamed of publishing a book. I also have submitted my writings to various publishers, magazines and publications which has led to a folder full of rejection letters. Now, the rejection letters did not deter me from writing and did not stop me from looking into other outlets to share my writing. I do not get crushed from rejection, especially when someone gives me pointers and constructive criticism. I take the advice and absorb it like a sponge. I go back to what I wrote, read it and let it resonate within me and then I will tweak it, not with all of them of course because again, they are my words and some will only be for my eyes. I hope that my words can reach others in many ways. I hope that for some it gives them joy, peace, strength, inspiration and courage. Everyone will take away what is specific to them and others of course it may mean nothing at all and to that I am alright with. I realize that some people do not get touched by words but stick with only visual stimulation. By understanding this it has led me to another path. I am so very proud of myself for finally beginning to find the outlet that I have been seeking. By showing vulnerability, by being positive when the negative wants to take over (which sometimes does happen) and more importantly believing in myself, I have realized that there is an audience out there waiting.
So, what has happened most recently is I have written and produced a Zine. A Zine for those of you that do not know is a small publication like a magazine but smaller. There is no rhyme or reason, there is no right or wrong to how it must be. It is a perfect outlet for people who have something to say and are not ready or have no desire to publish a novel, a book of poetry or what have you. They come in all different shapes, colors, styles and forms (just like people).
I chose to hand write mine and spread little illustrations of flowers and like throughout the pages. There is also a page of positive affirmations that I free wrote out of my head and decided to add it to the Zine. I titled it " The Melancholy Musings of a Misfit Girl" which is a title that is very personal to me. I have spent a large majority of my life swimming in melancholy thoughts and actions. There is a reason that people thought of me as Eeyore and I guess that is also why he was my favorite character for most of my life, I could relate to him. Even though I smiled and had a good time, I was weighed heavy with sadness, self doubt and fear. I have come so far from who I was that the melancholy musings are now turning more and more into inspirational words. I decided to produce the first Zine as my melancholy writings which will lead into the positive ones. My next one will be uplifting, full of happiness and vibrant colors and of course, good vibes.
I was drawn to a local place in Phoenix called Wasted Ink Zine Distro thanks to Instagram and following local businesses and writers, as you all know how much I support local! I went to visit there for the very first time and perused the shelves. There was something for everyone! The shop is quaint, warm and welcoming. There are little baby Zines hanging on the walls with colorful string and paperclips. There are Zines on shelves and on top of bookcases. There are stickers, buttons, handmade cards (better than Hallmark) and so much more! I fell in love instantly. I asked the young lady how to submit a Zine to the shop. I took the leap! She was so helpful and supportive and super excited! I knew at that moment what I needed to do. I had a place for my words to flourish under someones watchful, loving eye. I went home and took out all of my books and selected the prose that I felt would make a great debut. With help from a friend, I got the paper the size that I envisioned. With encouragement from the few that I told, I went forward. I completed my Zine and put all of my love into creating it. Again, with the help of my friend, I then had copies made to submit to Wasted Ink. After a little bit of time to gather myself together, I prepared the package. I emailed Charissa, the founder and owner of Wasted Ink Zine. I was making sure to cross the T's and dot the I's. She was so amazing and helpful and welcoming that I knew I had to go get it in there. Then one bright, sunny day I grabbed the paperwork, the Zines and went to Wasted Ink along with my biggest supporter and side kick, my daughter Bri. She is always there by my side and is along on this crazy journey with me.
I walked into the shop and spoke with Denise. She actually remembered me from the first time that I had gone into the shop! She was very helpful and made sure that I had everything that I needed to get my paperwork off to Charissa. After all was said and done, I felt like I was walking on air. It was such a feeling of elation. A bright light was bouncing around inside of me and I felt like everyone could see it. Now if that is not a rush, I do not know what is.
A short time later, I received notice on my Instagram that my Zine was getting put on the shelves! Another amazing feeling believe me. My Zine was featured in a most amazing photo in a plant and surrounded by green and brown earthy hues that wrapped it in it's warm embrace. I shared my good news with everyone and now I am super inspired to work on the next one. I even had the opportunity to share my news and the information on the airwaves through my friends on KDIF 102.9 FM local South Phoenix radio. My friend Angelica aka RoseWax Vinyl Club has provided me an outlet to read my poetry live on her Sunday broadcast. I have read a few times but this time, I was also interviewed and read from the Zine. I also of course let everyone know where they could find the shop since it is so cool! You can check out KDIF on kdif.org or tune in for one of the many programs on 102.9 FM which streams live on kdif.org if you are not in listening range.
After my trial one, I am going to make some format changes and add more writings. I am excited to see what happens next. Thank you Charissa! Thank you Denise! And thanks to WastedInk Zine Distro and the arts and the local scene that encourages individuality and the format for people to pursue a dream.
You can catch Wasted Ink on Instagram: Wasted Ink Zine Distro and on Facebook: Wasted Ink Zine Distro. And of course,through their website: wizd-az.com
Peace, Love and Happiness always kids! Follow your path and do what brings you joy <3