This may have a somber feel but it really has a positive light. What death has taught me about forgiveness was a priceless life lesson for me. Today marks the anniversary of my fathers' death. I am going to celebrate his memory by writing this post. Last year I celebrated his memory by having my very talented friend Chris draw a caricature of my father. And my amazing friend Zack printed the images onto a shirt for me.
First of all let me say that my father was not a great man. He had a mental illness and he did not want to take care of it properly. He always thought that he was too strong for all of that nonsense, as he called it. He also had an addiction problem which just added to the already complicated mind. I never knew if he would be angry or sad or thoughtful or happy. As a child I idolized him. I wanted to be strong like him and I also wanted his ultimate approval. I would do everything that he said so that I could make him proud. I looked past the fact that he was loud, angry, mean and daunting. He was abusive verbally and physically but no matter what I wanted to be near him all the time.
For all of the wrongs, there were so many rights. He was intelligent and taught me so much. He was a survivor and he showed me skills to survive. He was always reading and showed me "grown up" books to read at a very young age, thus fueling my desire to devour anything that had words on it. I would read cereal boxes, medicine bottles, dictionaries, Playboy magazines....anything I could get my hands on. I would ask him questions, I would talk non stop and he would tell me to be quiet and think a little bit. I still remember pushing his buttons and he would get up and tell me to stay. I was very precocious and this made him happy. He would challenge me all the time to be better and do more. He was larger than life and had a laugh that was as big as he was! He had a great toothless smile and a crooked nose from too many times broken. I adored my father and looked up to him. Even when he punished me, I forgave him and moved on.
When I got older I started to see how he really was and my innocent, naive mind began to process the things that were not positive. He hurt me more times than I can say. He destroyed my confidences, he belittled me and crushed my heart. And in the next breath he would try to lift my spirits. I began to distance myself when I realized the toxicity of the relationship with him. When I became a mother for the first time I really saw what he was. He also disowned me due to me becoming pregnant to a man of another race. This crushed me as I was trying to mend our shaky relationship and it went against everything that he and my mother taught me about diversity. It was a horrible truth that came to light but I moved on. Again, years went by without speaking and I became a mother again. This time, we were able to mend things. For a temporary time anyway. Long story short, our relationship was off and on my whole life. He never did approve of me or the way I lived my life. He said horrible things about me and completely turned his back on me in moments when I needed a father the most. He stole from, he lied to me, he hurt the people that I love and did more harm to himself than anything else. When I decided to finally turn my back to him for the last time, I was in my 30's. The last time he called me he said I do not know if I can talk to you anymore. Do not call me, I will call you.
Years go by and I never hear from him. Not knowing where he is or how he is. Through my brother I at least knew he was alive. And ironically that is how I found out that he was dying. When my brother told me that my father was dying I was numb. Not really having a feeling at first. I finally did call him. He actually picked up the phone and talked to me. We talked off and on for the few weeks leading up to his death. Very briefly but we did talk. He said that he made mistakes as a father. He said that he regretted not knowing his grandchildren. Which is funny as my son is the spitting image of my father, pretty ironic. He said that he regretted turning his back on me. And the craziest twist was that he forgave me! And he also made sure to tell me that he makes no excuses for his behavior and that he lived his life on his terms no matter what. This is a typical Frank move. Believe me, I have heard that one before. I spoke to him a day before he died. He told me that he was proud of me as a mother and as an adult. He said he was sorry and he hoped that I could forgive him. I forgave him and it was not a forced forgiveness, it was genuine. I felt a warmth go through me and a force cleared my heart up and brightened my thoughts of him. I do not know what it was that came over me. But it still resonates within me.
So, what does this experience mean? What does it say about me? The experience was a change for me. I grew up and grew out of a particular mindset that I had held onto for so long. It says that I have grown, it says that I am stronger and it makes me a better person for forgiving him. Again, I make no excuses for all the bad that he had. I make no excuses for his behavior and the hurts that he caused. This taught me a lesson in forgiveness and it made me a better person. My heart is full and I have no regrets in regards to him or his memory. What I can do now is only focus on all of the positive moments of my life with him. I do not focus any energy on the negative. This in turn helped me to forgive the most negative force that occurred in my life. I save that story for another time.
I can remember going along with him on his trips when he drove truck. I can remember deep sea fishing with him. I can remember cross country driving adventures and seeing national parks. I can remember him going on class trips with me. I can remember his writing, which I have developed a talent for and I love sharing that bond.
Forgiveness makes you whole. It makes you grow. It brings positive into your life in so many ways. I love you Dad no matter where you may be and I send you hugs and loving light always. I love you Frank.
Love, TiBoom
