A Decade Has Passed

Story time with Ti Been awhile, I know, but now is a good time to share as the words have been swirling for some time and that means I need to let them loose. Coming out of something that I had only begun to admit to myself let alone anyone else. You see, abuse was normal my whole life, I never saw it as anything different and surely thought I somehow deserved it. When I finally put on a brave face and walked away from that abuse, I was scared and uncertain and not sure that I should. I felt like I should stay there, at least it was familiar. But, I knew that it was my only chance to end it or the next thing ending would be my life. So, I walked away. I then was alone ( as best as I could be. I was still being harassed and stalked from afar) But I was relatively free, not from my own thoughts but free nonetheless. For quite awile it seemed as if I was spiraling out of control. Living life by the seat of my pants so to speak and pretty much just existing. Something was missing, something was "off". I did not realize that it was I who was "off". I started writing furiously, words flooding from my mind like water over a spillway. I could not shut them off. Then, I began to paint. The paintings turned into writing boards that the emotionally charged words would find their way onto canvas and paper boards. The writings back then were so much darker than today. The words were poison draining out of wounds inflicted over a lifetime. And so this is how the changes began. This is how one person in particular struck a nerve so deep that I was suddenly shaken to my core. 10 years ago, I did not see an escape. 10 years ago, I saw no hope. 10 years ago, I saw no future. You see, I was a different girl for sure. I had a different mindset for sure. I was clinging to existence yet keeping an ever brave face. If you know me, yeah that is normal. I was a ball of internal chaos with a life to match. In debt up to my ears, taking on a car loan was the LAST thing that I needed at the time. It seemed logical at the time but really, honestly, my intentions were not my own. I had found myself living for others as I almost always have. Never was one to live for myself. I never found myself important enough for that. I always thought that pleasing others would bring me joy, still getting smacked in the face with that reality, believe me. It brings no joy to me and the people I wish to keep happy usually end up taking advantage, betraying me or ignoring me. Never one to give up, I still pursued these twisted thoughts. I think back to those days fondly, even though I know it was a ball of confusion for everyone involved in my life. Especially my children. They had to handle more than they ever should have, they saw more than any child should ever see, they watched their mother fall apart and could not help me, which no child should ever see. I was growing though. I was learning that I had a voice. I was learning to trust myself a little more. Many, many mistakes were made 10 years ago. I have made amends to those necessary. I have made amends to myself, forgiving myself in that process. Forgiving oneself is one of the most difficult things to do. Learning to love yourself and find yourself worthy of love is a completely different struggle and one that I still struggle with to this day, but I have gotten better. I have learned to be a little nicer to myself these days. So this little, simple minded woman was learning that there much larger things out in this wolrd that would crush you silently. Venomous smiles, cruel intentions and people who target the weak willed. I was fortunate to have met an amazing person. In turn, meeting some more amazing people. And try as I might, I could not drive them away. I tried so hard to make myself invisible so that they would leave. I tried to tell myself that I was not worthy of decent people in my life. I thank every single one of you who have touched my life. I thank every single one of you who loved me when I could not love myself. Most importantly, I thank every single one of you who have helped me either by "helping" or by turning your back on me so that I could "learn", you helped me the most. You taught me more than you know. While chaos was swirling around me, I found peace in this person. While chaos was trying to cripple me, I found solace in new friends. While chaos was ripping my family to pieces, I knew the pieces would land as they were meant to. I had to learn to be quiet, I had to learn to accept, I had to learn to trust. I was still alive. I was still standing. I was still trying. I am looking fondly on how far I have come in a decade. How much I have grown, evolved and changed. I am very happy with the changes. I am happy with the good, the bad and the indifferent that have come throught these years. Still no regrets, only wishes for having used my brain a little better, shielded my soul and protected my heart a little better. I learned in a decade: to budget, to be financially aware, to make better decisions, to stand my ground, to use my voice, to create and share, to speak up, to laugh more, to love harder, to smile more, to be silly, to be lenient, to be happy and know that I deserve it. I have learned survival, I have also learned self reliance. Most importantly, I thank my children for saving me from myself, for forgiving me, for keeping me young, for keeping me grounded and for being in my life, I love you both more than you may ever know. You have both shown me a World I never knew existed and a love that I never knew before. You have both grown so much and risen above the traumas seen and experienced. You two are the best part of me. And, thank you to that special friend that I met a decade ago. You have shown me more than anyone could have ever done, you have cared for me more than many and you have given me the freedom to just be....Ti. Thank you to all who have read this far. Thank you to all who encourage me daily. Thank you to all who love me as I am. Thank you all for being a part of my World. Here is to the next 10 years. With this I leave you with Peace, Love and Happiness Ti