A Love Note To The Friends That Have Come And Gone And Those That Remain

This is dedicated to the friends that I have made throughout my life.

Know that I cherish every laugh, every moment, every tear, every disagreement and every thought of you.

Although, I know that nothing lasts forever, my memories will remain as long as I am of sound mind. For the friendships that I currently have, know that I appreciate you being a part of my life. I am grateful for sharing a bond with you, no matter what that bond may be.

As time moves along, we have gotten closer. Others, we have drifted apart. This comes with growth and change. Some of us have moved far away. Some of us, sadly have passed away. Some have started families. Some of us have changed our lives completely. Others have changed our path. We are living the best life that we can, laughing, loving, exploring and creating a life for ourselves. We may not be on the same level as we used to be, we still shared a moment of a life shared.

We have grown and developed into a new person. We have been born again, we have been hurt, we have been awakened, we have been outcast, we have been damaged, we have been saved, we have been loved. We are constantly evolving, hopefully most of us into a better version of ourselves full of potential and love.

There may be a day that we hear a song and it brings back a memory of a shared moment together. Maybe it was a concert, an intimate moment, a laugh fest or an event. We may watch a movie and remember the trip to the movie theatre when we snuck into our first "R" rated movie. We may smell freshly cut grass and remember the time we tumbled down the hill after the janitor mowed the lawn at school. We may see a name that reminds us of our first crush that we only told you about. We may laugh over our memories. We may look fondly on those memories with a sly smile on our face. We may shed a tear for days lost but we will always hold onto those days as a gift. Current friendships are appreciated and cherished. We may hug one another just to let each other know that we care. We may smile at one another to brighten our day. Stolen glances, shy smiles, beaming smiles, warm memories, new memories in the making and a twinkle in the eye. I reflect on my friendships in many ways, both current and past.

I am fortunate that I still have friends from as far back as age 10. I still have friends who were in my life through awkward stages, through dark times and through times of growth. I have friends who have been there for me in ways that no money can buy. I look at times like when I spoke my first poem on the radio. I look at friends who were by my side when my life crumbled. I look at friends who were by my side when I published my first Zine.

I am so grateful for all of you both near and far. And I just wanted to say that I love you all in ways unspoken. I appreciate all of the moments that have passed and moments that have not yet happen. Thank you for being you, thank you for being real and thank you for the memories.

I leave you with some photos of those who have come into my life and that I am grateful for. I missed a lot of faces but they know who they are. I leave you always with peace, love and happiness

The Steps to Healing Begin With You

I saw something today that got me thinking, it was something that struck a cord within. It actually frustrated me a bit, so I feel the need to speak a few words on the subject. Please allow me a moment to speak on what trauma means to me.
This goes out to all of those who are presently suffering or who have suffered some sort of traumatic experience or illness.
First of all, let me begin by saying that people who are mentally strong are unable to comprehend what trauma is, how it resonates within. Not to say that they themselves have not been a victim of trauma, most have, it is simply that it never consumed them. It never took hold of their mind and created a sickness. They are sympathetic to a point but cannot understand why others cannot simply “shake it off” or “move on”. What they fail to see is that we all heal in our own ways and in our own time. There are others of course who are ignorant and do not understand or want to understand so they throw judgement upon the suffering. A good thing to know is we cannot assume that if the reason behind the trauma has been removed, that a person should be okay or "all better". They are not okay, they have work to do. And the last thing that they need is someone telling them to get over it. This pertains to not just physical traumas, mental traumas, emotional traumas, but also to mental illness. I have been deeply affected by all. I choose not to let those traumas destroy me any longer, however, not everyone can bounce back right away and sadly some never do. I did not get over it quickly, nor did I get over all of them. Some still reside within deep crevices in my mind and every once in awhile come to the surface. The difference between the past and the present for me is that now I can usually recognize when they are coming forth and I can face them head on. And it is a difficult practice sometimes, sometimes I cry or scream or feel abandoned. I usually take a brisk walk, go for a car ride, lose myself in nature or put it into words. I write it all out. I free write until the pen stops moving. Most of these free writings end up shredded into tiny pieces and given to the wind in a manner of speaking (I do not literally toss bits of paper in the wind). I was diagnosed with clinical depression by age 17. Diagnosed with anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by age 19. I was a cutter by age 14 (mind you, this was before it was heard of). I was emotionally and mentally abused as a child and well into adulthood. I was bullied horribly from the ages of 8 until 15. I was molested at age 10. I was physically and sexually assaulted throughout adulthood. My self worth was never established you see. Do you understand that the basis of self worth is something that begins as a toddler? Do you understand that when you are crushed over and over as a child that you never develop a healthy mentality? Do you understand that sometimes, we cannot simply "get over it". Some of us do. Some of us are in life long counseling. Others self medicate. Others, turn it around and treat people the same way that they were treated. I chose to heal myself. I went in and out of counseling for at least 15 years of my life. I tried all of the anti depressants and anti anxiety medications that you could think of. I went to Al Anon meetings. I read every new self help book on the shelves. I reached out to others. I withdrew into my self. I took many turns along the way. I got inspired by others. After many twists and turns and some roadblocks, I finally realized that I was not willing to look at myself and not wanting to change myself. This is why all of my efforts were in vain. I never realized that we cannot heal ourselves unless we face ourselves. We have to take a look inside of ourselves and want to change. We have to want to get better. We have to desire to heal from within. But, most importantly we have to forgive ourselves. I know that seems strange but hear me out. When you experience trauma, you tend to blame yourself. You look at yourself and ask why. You look at yourself and call yourself names like ugly, fat, skinny, pimply, stupid and the like. Not realizing that you are harming yourself more because we really need to love ourselves. We are an amazing creature and we need to realize that. Why people cannot treat their children better from birth is beyond me. Why would you hurt such a precious thing? Why would you degrade something so beautiful?
So onto what got be all riled up today. I saw something. Something in which a person said to someone who is depressed, get over it. Life is not that bad. You really just have to tell yourself that everything is okay. You are just being weak, grow up. Now, since I have been on the receiving end of these words it struck a chord as I stated above. Depression is serious! Anxiety is serious! Mental health is not something to take lightly! To those of you who are fortunate enough to have never suffered from it or "got over it", just STOP! Stop belittling people for how they feel. You are not helping them. You are hindering the situation. They cannot simply snap out of it. Do you not think that if they could they would? Now, do not get me wrong I have seen the ugly side of this as well. You know, the people who need attention. The people who play "victim". I have come across many of those along the way. And, I think that we have a small group of people who think it is okay to play the victim. It is called manipulation and it is an ugly sickness all in its own. Also, there are others who have the previously mentioned problems but choose to stay victims for many reasons. With any situation, we should always remember that we should not cast judgement on others. We should mind our own business and live our own lives.
I offer light to those who need it. I offer a sympathetic ear to those who need to vent. I offer empathy to those who need kindness. I offer a place to vent, I offer a place to cry, I offer a place to scream, I offer a place to create. I understand you and I understand where you are and where you have come from. I learned that writing was my escape. I also learned that creating was a wonderful place to begin. Writing always came naturally so I got so good at it that I even wrote fiction so that just in case something ever happened to me, no one would know how bad I really was. That is frightening is it not? I mean, I wrote "fake" truths so if I died no one would know how fucked up I really was. Talk about being removed from reality. But, none of those chapters exist today. They burned and turned to ash like the pain that was removed from my life. Some of my poems remain as they are reminders of how much I grew. They remind me of my strength and my desire to live. They also serve as a reminder to never return to that way of life.
Please seek help, please find a way to begin the healing process. It is NEVER too late to work on YOU! You are worth it! You are amazing! Your past does not define you, it only molds your future so live your life for you today! Do something nice for yourself everyday. Even if it means a smile, a clean start, nourishing yourself, start with something, anything. But do it for you, you matter here and someone loves you!
I leave you with this: to those of you who do not suffer or have healed, please remember to be kind. Please remember how powerful your words and actions are. Remember that your words can do serious damage to others who may be in a highly fragile state. Remember that some can not simply "get over it".
And to those who are suffering, to those who have separated from the trauma but it still lingers. Know that it will be okay and you can turn it around. Know that there is help, and know that there is kindness in this world. Most importantly, know that you are a precious gift and you are worthy. Know that you are loved!
I leave you all with peace, love and light always!

Bittersweet Moments in Going Home

Hometown visits are always bittersweet in my eyes. I recently went on a trip with my daughter to my hometown of Vallejo, California and the surrounding Bay Area. This will tell the tale and take you on a journey, I hope you enjoy some of my memories and moments.
I have lived in many places in my life, but I consider Vallejo my home. California born, transplanted to NJ, then Vallejo, then PA, then back to Vallejo, then to Merced, then to Vallejo, back to PA and resting in Vallejo until I was old enough to make another move and adult mistakes. Vallejo, out of everywhere that I have lived remains "home" and I have a love for it like no other place that I have been. It was where I forged friendships that still exist today. It was where I found my rebellious side, where I started drinking and smoking and discovering marijuana. Where I lost my innocence, where violence first scarred me and where I became an adult (way too quickly). I remember walking to school down the railroad tracks, I would not ever recommend that nowadays but back then, it was slightly less sketchy. I remember eating dry ramen noodles with mustard for breakfast while walking to school, being teased by all my classmates running in their packs of cool people. I remember not eating in the lunchroom, walking to The Plunge which was the middle school and high school swimming pool. Walking up to Circle park at the tippy top of Vallejo on Coughlin Hill. I remember playing in marsh fields by the Marina and walking close to the waters edge. I remember the zoo and peacocks at Blue Rock Springs. Tripping with my friends on Gravity Hill on Lake Herman Road and freking ourselves out that this was where the Zodiac Killer had killed. I remember the record shop on Georgia Street and the Empress Theatre. Running along the waterfront and climbing on the ladders and almost touching the dark water. I remember walking Springs Road, drinking with my friends and ducking out to avoid getting busted by cops. I have the best memories and the worst memories in Vallejo but most of them are what have molded me. I left in 1991 eager to grow and stand on my feet further and really grow up.
I had a whirlwind trip planned for 3 full days. I was full of anxiety and excitement the day we landed at the Oakland International Airport. We hit the ground running that first day. We grabbed our rental car and sped off to the Bay. I told Briahna okay, we are going to do this, this,this and this. She was mainly overwhelmed with seeing the ocean on the horizon and with her Mom yelling at her to take this picture and that picture,what a great time. I am sure that her memories of this trip will last within her for a very long time. Our first stop was The Wharf and Pier 39 and Fishermans Grotto. I told her all of the history of San Francisco and of all of my adventures there. When I took her to see the battleship and submarine, I got a pleasant surprise. The Musee Mecanique was there! I had told her all about it but I thought that it was gone. We put quarters in damn near every machine. They are antiques, most of them and there is nothing like seeing the cherry wood, the maple and the beveled glass. She got to see the Sea Lions and eat crab chowder. We hiked the Sutro Bath ruins. And we spent hours at Lands End on Ocean Beach. Bri built a sand castle and we both collected sand and shells and driftwood. After that we drove through Golden Gate Park and drove over the Golden Gate Bridge. We got turned around quite a bit in the streets of San Francisco thanks to Google maps.
Later after we were over exploring, we headed to where we were to be staying the night. We stayed with family and got to enjoy precious moments with the whole family. It was a perfect visit and such a warm and loving house. The next day we hit my hometown and Benicia. Benicia is a beautiful town surrounded by the water. Protected waterways for wildlife and sunken barges. It is chock full of fond memories for me. We walked the pier and the waterfront and we went to see the house that she used to live in when she was 2.
What wonderful times. Off to Vallejo we go. Seeing the city as we rolled through brought back a flood of emotions and memories. Briahna enjoyed all the stories and seeing the crazy streets. I took her to see the old Victorian haunted house that I lived in and most of my old houses. I showed her my schools. We topped it off with meeting my dearest friend and his wife who I have been long time friends with as well. We ate seafood, laughed, cried and reminisced. We spent hours chatting when finally it was time to go on more adventures. We spent more time exploring Vallejo and then headed back to the family.
Our third full day was to be spent with my dear friend Tonni and her family. It has been years since I saw her. And I could not wait to catch up, my daughter and her daughter were going to meet for the first time. It was a great day. I got to see the whole family and we laughed and reminisced. Amazing day for sure. We ended up staying the night and I was sad that our trip was coming to an end. I embraced my friend and told her next time it cannot be years and she should come visit me. As we left her neighborhood I was sad but so happy and grateful. I am grateful that most of my friendships have lasted as long as they have. I am grateful that Tonni and I can pick up right where we left off. I am grateful that Mike and Jennifer are still such a huge part of my life. These are friends that I rarely talk to but the connection is strong.
I did not get to see everyone that I wanted to but there simply was not enough time to see everyone or everything. That is where Briahna and I made the decision to go back next year and stay longer this time. Goals!
As I was driving to the airport, the fog began to roll in through the hills. Briahna got to experience so much on this trip. Really, it felt like a dream. And I was so full of joy. We got to Oakland Airport and we were able to catch the sunrise. I bid goodbye to my valley, my bay and my home. It seems as if this was a trip that changed my mind about things and opened my heart more. I will cherish this trip and the experience with my daughter.r
I simply state here that sometimes, it is good to go home. It is good to remember where you began, where your hopes and dreams were formed. It is a reminder to yourself of how far that you have come.
Thank you all for going on this trip with me and reading into my whirlwind of words. With this I leave you with Peace, Love and Happiness always!