A Decade Has Passed

Story time with Ti Been awhile, I know, but now is a good time to share as the words have been swirling for some time and that means I need to let them loose. Coming out of something that I had only begun to admit to myself let alone anyone else. You see, abuse was normal my whole life, I never saw it as anything different and surely thought I somehow deserved it. When I finally put on a brave face and walked away from that abuse, I was scared and uncertain and not sure that I should. I felt like I should stay there, at least it was familiar. But, I knew that it was my only chance to end it or the next thing ending would be my life. So, I walked away. I then was alone ( as best as I could be. I was still being harassed and stalked from afar) But I was relatively free, not from my own thoughts but free nonetheless. For quite awile it seemed as if I was spiraling out of control. Living life by the seat of my pants so to speak and pretty much just existing. Something was missing, something was "off". I did not realize that it was I who was "off". I started writing furiously, words flooding from my mind like water over a spillway. I could not shut them off. Then, I began to paint. The paintings turned into writing boards that the emotionally charged words would find their way onto canvas and paper boards. The writings back then were so much darker than today. The words were poison draining out of wounds inflicted over a lifetime. And so this is how the changes began. This is how one person in particular struck a nerve so deep that I was suddenly shaken to my core. 10 years ago, I did not see an escape. 10 years ago, I saw no hope. 10 years ago, I saw no future. You see, I was a different girl for sure. I had a different mindset for sure. I was clinging to existence yet keeping an ever brave face. If you know me, yeah that is normal. I was a ball of internal chaos with a life to match. In debt up to my ears, taking on a car loan was the LAST thing that I needed at the time. It seemed logical at the time but really, honestly, my intentions were not my own. I had found myself living for others as I almost always have. Never was one to live for myself. I never found myself important enough for that. I always thought that pleasing others would bring me joy, still getting smacked in the face with that reality, believe me. It brings no joy to me and the people I wish to keep happy usually end up taking advantage, betraying me or ignoring me. Never one to give up, I still pursued these twisted thoughts. I think back to those days fondly, even though I know it was a ball of confusion for everyone involved in my life. Especially my children. They had to handle more than they ever should have, they saw more than any child should ever see, they watched their mother fall apart and could not help me, which no child should ever see. I was growing though. I was learning that I had a voice. I was learning to trust myself a little more. Many, many mistakes were made 10 years ago. I have made amends to those necessary. I have made amends to myself, forgiving myself in that process. Forgiving oneself is one of the most difficult things to do. Learning to love yourself and find yourself worthy of love is a completely different struggle and one that I still struggle with to this day, but I have gotten better. I have learned to be a little nicer to myself these days. So this little, simple minded woman was learning that there much larger things out in this wolrd that would crush you silently. Venomous smiles, cruel intentions and people who target the weak willed. I was fortunate to have met an amazing person. In turn, meeting some more amazing people. And try as I might, I could not drive them away. I tried so hard to make myself invisible so that they would leave. I tried to tell myself that I was not worthy of decent people in my life. I thank every single one of you who have touched my life. I thank every single one of you who loved me when I could not love myself. Most importantly, I thank every single one of you who have helped me either by "helping" or by turning your back on me so that I could "learn", you helped me the most. You taught me more than you know. While chaos was swirling around me, I found peace in this person. While chaos was trying to cripple me, I found solace in new friends. While chaos was ripping my family to pieces, I knew the pieces would land as they were meant to. I had to learn to be quiet, I had to learn to accept, I had to learn to trust. I was still alive. I was still standing. I was still trying. I am looking fondly on how far I have come in a decade. How much I have grown, evolved and changed. I am very happy with the changes. I am happy with the good, the bad and the indifferent that have come throught these years. Still no regrets, only wishes for having used my brain a little better, shielded my soul and protected my heart a little better. I learned in a decade: to budget, to be financially aware, to make better decisions, to stand my ground, to use my voice, to create and share, to speak up, to laugh more, to love harder, to smile more, to be silly, to be lenient, to be happy and know that I deserve it. I have learned survival, I have also learned self reliance. Most importantly, I thank my children for saving me from myself, for forgiving me, for keeping me young, for keeping me grounded and for being in my life, I love you both more than you may ever know. You have both shown me a World I never knew existed and a love that I never knew before. You have both grown so much and risen above the traumas seen and experienced. You two are the best part of me. And, thank you to that special friend that I met a decade ago. You have shown me more than anyone could have ever done, you have cared for me more than many and you have given me the freedom to just be....Ti. Thank you to all who have read this far. Thank you to all who encourage me daily. Thank you to all who love me as I am. Thank you all for being a part of my World. Here is to the next 10 years. With this I leave you with Peace, Love and Happiness Ti

The Steps to Healing Begin With You

I saw something today that got me thinking, it was something that struck a cord within. It actually frustrated me a bit, so I feel the need to speak a few words on the subject. Please allow me a moment to speak on what trauma means to me.
This goes out to all of those who are presently suffering or who have suffered some sort of traumatic experience or illness.
First of all, let me begin by saying that people who are mentally strong are unable to comprehend what trauma is, how it resonates within. Not to say that they themselves have not been a victim of trauma, most have, it is simply that it never consumed them. It never took hold of their mind and created a sickness. They are sympathetic to a point but cannot understand why others cannot simply “shake it off” or “move on”. What they fail to see is that we all heal in our own ways and in our own time. There are others of course who are ignorant and do not understand or want to understand so they throw judgement upon the suffering. A good thing to know is we cannot assume that if the reason behind the trauma has been removed, that a person should be okay or "all better". They are not okay, they have work to do. And the last thing that they need is someone telling them to get over it. This pertains to not just physical traumas, mental traumas, emotional traumas, but also to mental illness. I have been deeply affected by all. I choose not to let those traumas destroy me any longer, however, not everyone can bounce back right away and sadly some never do. I did not get over it quickly, nor did I get over all of them. Some still reside within deep crevices in my mind and every once in awhile come to the surface. The difference between the past and the present for me is that now I can usually recognize when they are coming forth and I can face them head on. And it is a difficult practice sometimes, sometimes I cry or scream or feel abandoned. I usually take a brisk walk, go for a car ride, lose myself in nature or put it into words. I write it all out. I free write until the pen stops moving. Most of these free writings end up shredded into tiny pieces and given to the wind in a manner of speaking (I do not literally toss bits of paper in the wind). I was diagnosed with clinical depression by age 17. Diagnosed with anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by age 19. I was a cutter by age 14 (mind you, this was before it was heard of). I was emotionally and mentally abused as a child and well into adulthood. I was bullied horribly from the ages of 8 until 15. I was molested at age 10. I was physically and sexually assaulted throughout adulthood. My self worth was never established you see. Do you understand that the basis of self worth is something that begins as a toddler? Do you understand that when you are crushed over and over as a child that you never develop a healthy mentality? Do you understand that sometimes, we cannot simply "get over it". Some of us do. Some of us are in life long counseling. Others self medicate. Others, turn it around and treat people the same way that they were treated. I chose to heal myself. I went in and out of counseling for at least 15 years of my life. I tried all of the anti depressants and anti anxiety medications that you could think of. I went to Al Anon meetings. I read every new self help book on the shelves. I reached out to others. I withdrew into my self. I took many turns along the way. I got inspired by others. After many twists and turns and some roadblocks, I finally realized that I was not willing to look at myself and not wanting to change myself. This is why all of my efforts were in vain. I never realized that we cannot heal ourselves unless we face ourselves. We have to take a look inside of ourselves and want to change. We have to want to get better. We have to desire to heal from within. But, most importantly we have to forgive ourselves. I know that seems strange but hear me out. When you experience trauma, you tend to blame yourself. You look at yourself and ask why. You look at yourself and call yourself names like ugly, fat, skinny, pimply, stupid and the like. Not realizing that you are harming yourself more because we really need to love ourselves. We are an amazing creature and we need to realize that. Why people cannot treat their children better from birth is beyond me. Why would you hurt such a precious thing? Why would you degrade something so beautiful?
So onto what got be all riled up today. I saw something. Something in which a person said to someone who is depressed, get over it. Life is not that bad. You really just have to tell yourself that everything is okay. You are just being weak, grow up. Now, since I have been on the receiving end of these words it struck a chord as I stated above. Depression is serious! Anxiety is serious! Mental health is not something to take lightly! To those of you who are fortunate enough to have never suffered from it or "got over it", just STOP! Stop belittling people for how they feel. You are not helping them. You are hindering the situation. They cannot simply snap out of it. Do you not think that if they could they would? Now, do not get me wrong I have seen the ugly side of this as well. You know, the people who need attention. The people who play "victim". I have come across many of those along the way. And, I think that we have a small group of people who think it is okay to play the victim. It is called manipulation and it is an ugly sickness all in its own. Also, there are others who have the previously mentioned problems but choose to stay victims for many reasons. With any situation, we should always remember that we should not cast judgement on others. We should mind our own business and live our own lives.
I offer light to those who need it. I offer a sympathetic ear to those who need to vent. I offer empathy to those who need kindness. I offer a place to vent, I offer a place to cry, I offer a place to scream, I offer a place to create. I understand you and I understand where you are and where you have come from. I learned that writing was my escape. I also learned that creating was a wonderful place to begin. Writing always came naturally so I got so good at it that I even wrote fiction so that just in case something ever happened to me, no one would know how bad I really was. That is frightening is it not? I mean, I wrote "fake" truths so if I died no one would know how fucked up I really was. Talk about being removed from reality. But, none of those chapters exist today. They burned and turned to ash like the pain that was removed from my life. Some of my poems remain as they are reminders of how much I grew. They remind me of my strength and my desire to live. They also serve as a reminder to never return to that way of life.
Please seek help, please find a way to begin the healing process. It is NEVER too late to work on YOU! You are worth it! You are amazing! Your past does not define you, it only molds your future so live your life for you today! Do something nice for yourself everyday. Even if it means a smile, a clean start, nourishing yourself, start with something, anything. But do it for you, you matter here and someone loves you!
I leave you with this: to those of you who do not suffer or have healed, please remember to be kind. Please remember how powerful your words and actions are. Remember that your words can do serious damage to others who may be in a highly fragile state. Remember that some can not simply "get over it".
And to those who are suffering, to those who have separated from the trauma but it still lingers. Know that it will be okay and you can turn it around. Know that there is help, and know that there is kindness in this world. Most importantly, know that you are a precious gift and you are worthy. Know that you are loved!
I leave you all with peace, love and light always!