The Steps to Healing Begin With You

I saw something today that got me thinking, it was something that struck a cord within. It actually frustrated me a bit, so I feel the need to speak a few words on the subject. Please allow me a moment to speak on what trauma means to me.
This goes out to all of those who are presently suffering or who have suffered some sort of traumatic experience or illness.
First of all, let me begin by saying that people who are mentally strong are unable to comprehend what trauma is, how it resonates within. Not to say that they themselves have not been a victim of trauma, most have, it is simply that it never consumed them. It never took hold of their mind and created a sickness. They are sympathetic to a point but cannot understand why others cannot simply “shake it off” or “move on”. What they fail to see is that we all heal in our own ways and in our own time. There are others of course who are ignorant and do not understand or want to understand so they throw judgement upon the suffering. A good thing to know is we cannot assume that if the reason behind the trauma has been removed, that a person should be okay or "all better". They are not okay, they have work to do. And the last thing that they need is someone telling them to get over it. This pertains to not just physical traumas, mental traumas, emotional traumas, but also to mental illness. I have been deeply affected by all. I choose not to let those traumas destroy me any longer, however, not everyone can bounce back right away and sadly some never do. I did not get over it quickly, nor did I get over all of them. Some still reside within deep crevices in my mind and every once in awhile come to the surface. The difference between the past and the present for me is that now I can usually recognize when they are coming forth and I can face them head on. And it is a difficult practice sometimes, sometimes I cry or scream or feel abandoned. I usually take a brisk walk, go for a car ride, lose myself in nature or put it into words. I write it all out. I free write until the pen stops moving. Most of these free writings end up shredded into tiny pieces and given to the wind in a manner of speaking (I do not literally toss bits of paper in the wind). I was diagnosed with clinical depression by age 17. Diagnosed with anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by age 19. I was a cutter by age 14 (mind you, this was before it was heard of). I was emotionally and mentally abused as a child and well into adulthood. I was bullied horribly from the ages of 8 until 15. I was molested at age 10. I was physically and sexually assaulted throughout adulthood. My self worth was never established you see. Do you understand that the basis of self worth is something that begins as a toddler? Do you understand that when you are crushed over and over as a child that you never develop a healthy mentality? Do you understand that sometimes, we cannot simply "get over it". Some of us do. Some of us are in life long counseling. Others self medicate. Others, turn it around and treat people the same way that they were treated. I chose to heal myself. I went in and out of counseling for at least 15 years of my life. I tried all of the anti depressants and anti anxiety medications that you could think of. I went to Al Anon meetings. I read every new self help book on the shelves. I reached out to others. I withdrew into my self. I took many turns along the way. I got inspired by others. After many twists and turns and some roadblocks, I finally realized that I was not willing to look at myself and not wanting to change myself. This is why all of my efforts were in vain. I never realized that we cannot heal ourselves unless we face ourselves. We have to take a look inside of ourselves and want to change. We have to want to get better. We have to desire to heal from within. But, most importantly we have to forgive ourselves. I know that seems strange but hear me out. When you experience trauma, you tend to blame yourself. You look at yourself and ask why. You look at yourself and call yourself names like ugly, fat, skinny, pimply, stupid and the like. Not realizing that you are harming yourself more because we really need to love ourselves. We are an amazing creature and we need to realize that. Why people cannot treat their children better from birth is beyond me. Why would you hurt such a precious thing? Why would you degrade something so beautiful?
So onto what got be all riled up today. I saw something. Something in which a person said to someone who is depressed, get over it. Life is not that bad. You really just have to tell yourself that everything is okay. You are just being weak, grow up. Now, since I have been on the receiving end of these words it struck a chord as I stated above. Depression is serious! Anxiety is serious! Mental health is not something to take lightly! To those of you who are fortunate enough to have never suffered from it or "got over it", just STOP! Stop belittling people for how they feel. You are not helping them. You are hindering the situation. They cannot simply snap out of it. Do you not think that if they could they would? Now, do not get me wrong I have seen the ugly side of this as well. You know, the people who need attention. The people who play "victim". I have come across many of those along the way. And, I think that we have a small group of people who think it is okay to play the victim. It is called manipulation and it is an ugly sickness all in its own. Also, there are others who have the previously mentioned problems but choose to stay victims for many reasons. With any situation, we should always remember that we should not cast judgement on others. We should mind our own business and live our own lives.
I offer light to those who need it. I offer a sympathetic ear to those who need to vent. I offer empathy to those who need kindness. I offer a place to vent, I offer a place to cry, I offer a place to scream, I offer a place to create. I understand you and I understand where you are and where you have come from. I learned that writing was my escape. I also learned that creating was a wonderful place to begin. Writing always came naturally so I got so good at it that I even wrote fiction so that just in case something ever happened to me, no one would know how bad I really was. That is frightening is it not? I mean, I wrote "fake" truths so if I died no one would know how fucked up I really was. Talk about being removed from reality. But, none of those chapters exist today. They burned and turned to ash like the pain that was removed from my life. Some of my poems remain as they are reminders of how much I grew. They remind me of my strength and my desire to live. They also serve as a reminder to never return to that way of life.
Please seek help, please find a way to begin the healing process. It is NEVER too late to work on YOU! You are worth it! You are amazing! Your past does not define you, it only molds your future so live your life for you today! Do something nice for yourself everyday. Even if it means a smile, a clean start, nourishing yourself, start with something, anything. But do it for you, you matter here and someone loves you!
I leave you with this: to those of you who do not suffer or have healed, please remember to be kind. Please remember how powerful your words and actions are. Remember that your words can do serious damage to others who may be in a highly fragile state. Remember that some can not simply "get over it".
And to those who are suffering, to those who have separated from the trauma but it still lingers. Know that it will be okay and you can turn it around. Know that there is help, and know that there is kindness in this world. Most importantly, know that you are a precious gift and you are worthy. Know that you are loved!
I leave you all with peace, love and light always!

A Path To Healing

I will start by saying that healing is a long, arduos journey. Healing from abuse can sometimes take a life time and many do not understand why it takes so long. If a person has never been abused, they will have a hard time comprehending it. They will judge you, ridicule you, berate you or just remain silent. They cannot understand how on Earth you allowed it to happen, this of course just adds to your suffering. The definition of abuse is the same whether used as a noun or a verb; it is to misuse, cruel or violent treatment of a human or animal. It creates a deeply distressing frame of mind for the abused victim.
Usually those that are victims of abuse have had a pattern set out at an early age. This is not a reason to be abused, but makes them an easy target to be abused. An example of this is: a lonely, withdrawn child who keeps to themselves and does not step out of their shell will usually more times than not become an easy target for bullies.
I will write about my own path to healing. Never a happy subject however, I feel it is the next step in finally shedding the stigma of a victim. I have worked very hard to overcome the trauma. I still struggle with things on a daily basis (meaning behaviors, triggers and the like) but the difference in my life now is that I can recognize when I am in that mindset and work to center myself and find my peace. Or those that love me will kindly let me know when I am actively reacting like a victim. I am thankful for all that are in my life that love me enough to be honest with me and tell me when I am behaving that way. I may not always like to hear it, but I listen. I check my ego and look within to pinpoint what it is that I am reacting to that brings that behavior out. Healing is a daily process and I believe, at least for me that it will be a lifetime journey but I can live a wonderfully, happy life without being miserable.
Early memories of abuse begin at home which statistically is the norm. Terrible, as home should be nurturing. Never damaging.
I was shy, unsure and eager to please. I wanted the approval of others always. Especially my father and my sister. My father was a HUGE influence in my life from a very young age and I always tried to be "good" so that he would like me. My sister and brother would get hit for whatever reason that my father saw that they were doing wrong. I watched and learned and made sure that I stayed away from the physical side of the abuse. I could not stop the mental abuse from happening though. It began at an early age. My father would ridicule me for not doing something correct, for being slow, for being too shy and many more things. He had a mental illness so this was why it was difficult for me to grasp, one day he loved me and I was the golden child and 10 minutes later, I was the worst form of a child. I never knew how to make him happy but I kept trying. My brother was not in my life long enough to be anything but cool to me. I looked up to him, I was devastated when he left to go back to living with his Mom. My sister was a typical big sister. I wanted to be like her, I wanted to be pretty and popular and talented just like her. I drove her nuts trying to always be around her but she would yell at me to leave her alone. She did not want to hang with a baby. Other times she would chase me, throw me down. That is normal sibling behavior but the degradation was not. She put me down all the time. I learned with her at least to ignore her, it was easier to do that with her. My mom was not abusive until my teenage years which was fueled by her alcoholism. She was my rock from an early age. In my younger years she had her way of letting me know that I disappointed her, my weight was always an issue. Other members of my family would let me know that I would be pretty like my sister if I just lost weight. That damn weight stigma stayed, and still remains to this day. People do not understand what happens with body degradation. They think that they are being nice or helpful or loving but not realizing that from a young age they are putting a tumor into someones mind that they do not look good enough to be accepted. And that they cannot be themselves, they have to conform to societal standards. This is a horrible form of abuse because it just spirals out of control. This leads to a different type of abuse and that is the abuse of self. Sometimes, you can not break free of it and it eats away at you your whole life, affecting all of your relationships, including friends, lovers, peers, educators and partners.
Throughout my young, impressionable years I formed friendships with stronger personalities than mine. I tend to still do this to a degree today, however, through healing I am discovering how wonderful I am and that I do deserve to be seen, heard and loved. This was a defense mechanism that I did as a way to hide. With them being so outgoing, I could stay in the shadows where I thought I belonged. If no one saw me, I would not stand out or worse, I would not be the butt of the jokes or pranks or bullying. I despise bullies. I despise the concept of someone feeling that they are better than someone else whom they deem weak or undeserving of a place in this world. I hated April Fools Day, I was the target of every practical joke throughout most of my grade school and middle school years. I was teased, given dog food, had my bra soaked from toilet water in gym class, I had mats pulled out from under me in gymnastics, chairs pulled out, boys pretending to like me, girls pretending to be friends, being the target of every dodge ball game, being picked last, my pants pulled down, you name it. But damn if they did not want answers in class from me at test time or homework time. I swear I felt like I was living every John Hughes movie ever made but without the comedy or happy ending. I never told my parents, ever. Especially my father. He would have been more disappointed in me than when I brought home a C. The cruelty of children is horrible and when there are large numbers banded together, there seems to be no escaping them. For anyone who has ever bullied someone, I hope that you learned from it and grew up. If you never learned and you still are, then Karma is taking notes. So sad, that most bullies grow up to be even bigger bullies. This leads to into my next part of this story.
When I finally began dating boys, I moved quickly. After living with my father until the 9th grade, I was forbidden from dating. I ended up moving to my mothers house and there I stayed through graduating high school. I was a little boy crazy as they were finally starting to notice me. I of course chose all of the wrong kinds. Most were bullies, abusers, users or just sex crazed. I ended up getting a "serious" boyfriend, he was everything to me. Well, I refused to have sex. I was not ready for all that. He used to put me down and try to belittle me to make me do it. I stayed strong. Well, one night he ended up coming into my room, we usually did this every night so nothing was out of the ordinary there. My mom never knew as she was usually pretty out of it by then. This night, he would not take no for an answer. Tore my clothes, held me down and raped me. Then he got up and left without a word. I was in shock and mortified and embarrassed. Next day, he told the whole damn school! I told my best friend that I did "it" and I lied. I told her that I liked it! This is where the lying to myself and others started. I became a great actress. To make this situation worse, I went to a close friend of the both of us to hang out after school. I walked in and guess who was sleeping together? It was a triple whammy. And a part of me fell apart.
Next run of boyfriends were no better than him minus rape. They were just bullies who told me to be this, be that, change this, change that. I ended up meeting my best friends step brother and he was like a breath of fresh air. Oh my God was he nice. We were together for 2 years and he made me feel beautiful, loved and worth something. My mother was getting worse with the alcoholism and he was my escape. I actually was beginning to like myself and bullies were finally a memory from the past. We experienced most of our firsts together in a completely loving relationship. I felt for sure that I was going to be with him forever. Well, of course some good things have to come to an end. He ended the relationship with me and I was devastated but then began to think that it was me and that I really was a piece of crap. Self hatred is a horrible monster that would continually pop up in my life. By this time my mom went to rehab and I found myself essentially homeless. I lived with our family friend for a time but her husband kicked me out. And then luckily my friends mother found out my life and took me in. Who knows where I would have ended up without her. My mom got out of rehab and we began to work on repairing our relationship. All the while I ended up with another mentally abusive guy and a few flings. At this point I was done. I decided to move to Pennsylvania to live with my Dad. Yes. even though he never opened his house up to me when I became homeless, I thought he was all better by then. Was I wrong! I was under strict rules with him and I was 18 with a job. I mean I got a job 2 weeks after moving there! So, really he just got worse with me. I turned into the 13 year old Tianne who was meek and shy and unsure of herself. He screwed with my mind terribly. I ended up meeting a guy in the inner city. Well, there were a few factors involved with this meeting. He was nothing that I should have gone near. Street guy, addict, alcoholic, abuser, mentally unstable and just got out of a rehab and burn unit for attempting suicide! Where are you in your own mind when you think this is normal? I left my Dads into the arms of a much larger enemy and never looked back.
I guess all of the abuse that I endured as a youngster and teenager was prepping me for the abuse that was to come. You find out your strength and will to survive after awhile. Some do not get out, some do not know their strength and in many cases some do not survive. I thank God that I made it out alive. I am so grateful to all who helped me realize my worth so that I could get out of the situation and grow. It was a struggle and I did not leave for 20 years!
During the courtship he was charming and sweet and unstable. I thought that I could fix him since he was a victim too right? He wanted to have a kid right away! I was not ready to be a Mom but he kept telling me that we were together till death do us part (we were not married, never did get married)so we had to have a kid, he wanted a family. I began to believe that he was the best man that I could get so I should do what he says. The mental abuse and bullying began around the same time that I got pregnant.We were too young and not mentally able to become parents. My pregnancy was stressed. Things were violent daily and the only reason that he did not beat me was the baby that I was carrying. He verbally and mentally abused me and made sure that I was docile enough to do as I was told and realize that I was his property to do what he wanted with me. He frequently would rape me since that was the only abuse that he could inflict on me that would not leave marks. Surprisingly, I did deliver my baby. She had a lot of complications and was born purple. Trauma after trauma after trauma. He even blamed me for her issues saying that I was a bad mother while pregnant. And I actually believed him!
I ended up leaving for a short time and went back to California so that he could make things "right". But, I went back and knew that we were to be together forever. Now, the downward spiral began.
We decided after a few years to have another child. This pregnancy brought more stress. He learned ways to hurt me without hitting me. Shoving, wrestling moves, grabbing my face and neck, pulling my hair, torture and the verbal abuse became a regular thing so much like it was welcome to me. At this point I learned of how far his addiction had grown. It was so out of control. He continued with rape as it was his way of showing love to a cold-hearted woman as he called me. I had my son, who was luckily very healthy and seemed to change things for a bit. I did leave him again for almost a year. I actually got bold and put a protection from abuse order on him. He violated it and went to jail for a bit. I was terrified of what he would do to me when he got out. Statistics again state that domestic violence ends in death very often. I took him back after he got clean and sober. I thought he was all better and thought that maybe I could be a better woman and do what he wanted. We moved to another state, I thought that the change would be better. I was wrong, he drank more than ever. Over the years the verbal and mental abuse moved to include my children. I shielded them from as much as I could. I did their chores so they would not get in trouble for doing them wrong. I did their homework so it was done by the time he got home. I did everything that I was supposed to do.
My life began to go on a different path, I was slowly beginning to find myself. I started to grow. I got my drivers license. I went back to school and got a career. I lost 80 pounds and started to think for myself.
Due to my growth things began to unravel and spiral so far out of control. After a particularly rough time he decided to move back to his home state. All of this with promises of change and providing for us. After he left he kept his finger on me at all times. I was under a huge cloud of doubt and fear. I was realizing that I needed to end things with him but I was too scared of the outcome so I stayed "with" him. I was such a great actress. To everyone I was still looking to the future with this guy. And he had no idea that I was thinking of leaving the relationship.
He came back into our lives for a brief time around the time of my daughters graduation. He was still an addict, an alcoholic and abusive. One night, it escalated in front of the kids and I was done! I waited for him to pass out and we fled in the middle of the night. I hid out, delivered a protection order and had a cop friend let him know that he needed to leave. That was it, I was finally asserting myself. But damn if that fear was stronger than ever.
He left the state with promises of change and grandeur. I began to loosen the chains that bound me. It took me another 7 months to end it, but I finally did it! Through all of this I had many ups and downs and second thoughts because it is so ingrained in you that no one out there will love you like they do. There is so much mind control that it seems there is no way out. I got stronger, I learned to survive. I had a lot of help from great people in my life who encouraged me all the way and helped me when I was at my lowest points. The kids and I struggled, but we made it. He still tried to abuse me through phone calls, letters, reaching out to people who he thought would change my mind and even degrading me on social media but I stayed strong.
I have no way of shortening this story because I think that it is important to put in all aspects from the beginning to the current situations in life. We need to share our stories so that people understand where it begins, how it begins and how it embeds itself so deeply some of us do not make it out. I NEVER thought that I would make it out. Do I regret it or any decisions that I made? No, I have NO REGRETS! Do I wish that I would have made better choices? Hell yes! But, out of this I have 2 amazing children. They loved me unconditionally when no one else would, including myself. They are the reason I am here. I was made to be a Mom and they are my life above anything else.
My children suffered abuses that I did not see. I am only finding out about them now that they are older and learned to share. I encourage them to accept what happened, talk about it, learn from it, never make those choices and grow, grow, grow! We are open and honest with each other and this is the bond that I share with them. They make me proud to be their Mother. They could have gone down a darker path but they both are doing pretty darn good. I also have met a kind man that I share my life with and he encourages me every step of the way on my path of enlightenment. It has not been easy for him to handle my behaviors that are so embedded within me. But again, he is one of those great people in my life who will kindly remind me that I am subservient to no one. I am thankful for him everyday.
I just wanted to share this story so that it may help someone else to realize that they can make it. I also want to be able to finally put this damn story to rest. This chapter is closing and I am grateful for being able to tell it. I am grateful to have had a great support system through the ending of that chapter. I never had support during the relationship as I told NO ONE, I was a great actress, remember? I only told people after I was finally done. I had no choice I ran.
All that I can say is please tell someone. Please let someone know that you are being abused. Some one will help you. You DO NOT deserve it! You are worthy and deserve to be loved. It starts as a child, if you are abused please reach out to some one. If you know of a child who is being abused please help them. If you are a teenager and someone hurts you please tell some one. Please TELL! Death is permanent and most times domestic violence does lead to this. It is not okay to be hurt and if you do not tell, someone else will become the victim. They do not just wake up one day and stop hurting people. And it will not get better if you ignore it. Statistically I know that most times people will say that a victim asked for it due to situations, the way they dress, the way they act, that is ALL bullshit. Victims do not ASK to be hurt. Please stop the cycle, so not let it happen to others. I should have told on my first abuser. I did not, who knows if he did it again? I should have stopped my ex, who knows who else he may have done this to. Do not stay quiet,that is the worst pain. It will consume you. Guilt is a horrible demon that lives within your mind consuming you and injuring more than a fist ever could. Speak Up, Speak Out, Survive, Thrive and Live!
I leave you all with a thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. To those of you who are in my life, thank you. You make my life rich and you make me feel worthy and loved and safe.
Peace, Love and Light Always!